It's (a final) Friday!

Ola all,

OK, so nothing happened last Friday – no Apocalyptic catastrophe… well, at least not from where I’m standing… which is still here. I can but hope that that holds true for you too – and if you’re reading this, it probably does. Congratulations.

So, life goes on as per usual. We work, we live, we love, we thank our lucky stars that we are happy and healthy…and that we’ve made it through another year.

2013 was just like a Pick-n-Pay steak: lekker and juicy, with really tough bits throughout!

And now it’s the holiday season. Most of you are blissfully unaware of us minions keeping the gears moving as you sun your buns, sip your sauce, and generally care less about anything else. Enjoy, you deserve it!

And then there’s the Scots – eish, you guys can never catch a break, can you? Here we are: sun, sand, sea, shorts, and slipslops (and this is at work) while you freeze your proverbials off… again!

Sorry about that. But enjoy, nevertheless.

It’s the end of 2012 and this is the final instalment of this specific publication for the year: I’ve enjoyed bringing you these weekly updates and hope to do so again next year (when you’re all back and start contributing again)!

It's a quieter time of year so I'm keeping it short and sweet (much like judogril) - a gem, generously supplied by babydoll. Thanks for that - you've been an insiration!

Thanks to all the contributors throughout the year, and to all the readers who’ve made this endeavour such a pleasurable one – “spit happens” has now been read far and wide, and in the East.

Have a grand 2013, from all the citizens of waynnesworld!!

Pick of the Week

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed then visibly shuddered for about ten seconds. She took out a tissue and gently wiped her nose.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later the woman sneezed again, shuddered violently once more, took a tissue and wiped her nose.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. This time the shudder continued for about 15 seconds before she took a tissue and gently wiped her nose as before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity the man turned to the woman and said, "My apologies for being nosy, but I am a behaviourist and couldn't help but notice the strange shudders every time you sneezed… are you OK?"

"I’m sorry,” she sniffled. “I hope I didn’t disturb you. I have a very rare medical condition: whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, couldn't help but stammer "I have never heard of that condition before, are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

It's (Apocalypse) Friday!

Ola all,

 

The Apocalypse is just about upon me, so I’m writing as fast as I can – have no idea when this event is supposed to happen. There is something going around about 11:11 UK time… which I assume would mean Greenwich Time… oooh, just imagine people’s reaction in Greenwich today if a boiler bursts or a bus backfires at the stroke of 11:11 (GMT)… WOW!

 

If they’re right, it allows me just enough time to grab lunch!

 

However, things could already have gone awry without me noticing: it’s Pastor Bob’s birthday today. I’ve phoned – he hasn’t answered……

 

That got me assuming stuff. I assumed one of two things:

1. He’s been raptured (remember, that bloke has a direct line upstairs – big red telephone right there in his house. I’ve seen it!);
2. He knew about the 11:11 GMT thing and went to town on the church’s grape juice; or
3. He was busy.

 

Yes, I know I said “one of two things” but I just thought about that third one while writing and I don‘t have the time to go back and correct grammar and stuff – GMT is approaching FAST!!!

 

Talking of time (and birthdays): it’s the wee man’s birthday tomorrow – jeepers, can you believe it’s been 4 years ALREADY – and he wants a watch. I got a great deal on a Mayan watch at a local shop. However, while wrapping the present this morning the watch suddenly stopped…!

 

President Putin (yes, of Russia) told his people that the world will definitely not end today. He indicated that he knew exactly when the world would come to an end and it will indeed happen in about 4,5million years from now. That managed to calm the Russians because as every Russian knows: if you can’t believe your politicians, who the heck can you believe?

 

All I know is that it’ll happen – one day. Any day between now and President Putin’s prediction (gotta love the ‘p’ ‘p’ ‘p’ right there – try saying that three times fast before the world ends). It might even happen while I si

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, car backfired in the street – had to change my shorts.

Apocalypse Now or Apocalypse Not, Nostradamus and my Mayan Calendar chiselling friend could definitely back me up on this: it’s Christmas day on Tuesday! The kids are stoked: the lights are up, the decorations are flying, the dog’s got his Reindeer horns on, and I have yet to get judogirl something nice… any suggestions?

 

Santa got myself.....uhm, me... Santa got me surround sound… 4 years ago! But because the wee man didn’t like the noise while he was feeding – and all through his current, young, developing life – I have never been able to use it. So I’m ripping that box come hell, or high water… or volcanoes, or meteorites, or fire-breathing dragons – oooh, anyone seen the Hobbit movie yet?

 

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of shorts: they’re back! So without further ado, I leave you with this week’s giggles – they could be just that, or conversation starters around a make-shift fire while searching for food and shelter amongst other survivors…

No need to thank me – I aim to serve!

 

This week we’ll look at what to do when the end is near and how to cheat on your wife. Confucius has to be back for the Chinese New Year and leaves us with some parting words. After my recent expose on why parents shouldn’t text, a couple of techno oldies supplied me with texting genius. Then the shorts, and my Pick of the Week.

 

Thanks for reading and good luck with what lies ahead. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, health and happiness, and good cheer. Drive safe and live life to the full – ‘cause you never know when it’ll end (cue violins…)

 

 

Planning the end
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die someday and none of us really know when. But if we did, we would probably all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”
A gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house.”
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, trying to fathom the wisdom of his statement. The group leader finally asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
He answered “Because that’ll make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!”

 

 

And at the end…
Four blokes are having a beer, discussing the meaning of life (as blokes often do) and how they would be remembered. So one friend turns to the others and says: “Only in the end, when you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, will you know what the real meaning of life was. What would you want to hear them say about you?”
The other three friends nodded while this profound statement slowly settled upon them.
So the first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!”

 

 

Confucius say…

 

 

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose

 

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time

 

When man bring wife flowers for no reason, there usually reason

 

Confucius say too much

 

Confucius say bye-bye

 

 

 

 

Shorts

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet: 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'

 

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'OK, where is he then?'

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

 

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'

 

 

When oldies text
The kids all have their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBMA - Covered by Medical Aid
CUATMC - See You at the Medical Centre
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing....Can't get Up!
PSU – Please Speak Up
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!.

 

 

My Mayan friend

 

 

 

 

Wednesday afternoon…
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can't lie to you,” he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!”

 

 

Pick of the Week
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said and they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here, have this.” he said to the statue. “I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

It's (pre-Apocalyptic) Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday, and from what I hear this may have to be the second to last instalment of this particular publication. Or the last. Not sure yet. With the imminent apocalypse in the offing and no clear indication of whether it’ll be a morning or afternoon type event, I’m uncertain whether it’ll allow me enough time to get a final instalment out next week before…uhm…whatever happens. So we’re kinda winging it…

Now for those of you who are not so in tune with what’s what, the Mayans (an ancient developed culture who built phenomenal cities and temples, waterways and shopping malls……. in Mexico) developed a calendar that ended on December 21st, 2012. Yip, that’s next week.

This has sparked world-wide speculation that the end – the real end – may indeed be nigh.

Me, being the eternal realist (the glass is half), I view the possibilities as follows:

1)  The Mayan Calendarer (yes, that is my name for the Mayan bloke who sat with hammer and chisel working on the big black rock calendar thingy) broke his final chisel immediately after completing the date 2012/12/21, and while on his way to Mayan Builders Warehouse was hit by a bus… Nobody else had a clue how to work the calendar but reckoned that some other smart Mayan bloke with a chisel would figure it out before they eventually got to 2012/12/21. The “thing” was therefore shoved behind the shed and then one day, unfortunately, the Mayans disappeared – all of them. So we’re getting very excited about a rock behind a shed and nothing much is going to happen that isn’t possibly going to happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or in May 2013……;

OR

2)  The Mayans were right and we have a week to live it up like there’s no tomorrow!

It’s gonna happen at some stage – yip – but I’m not quite sure when.

There are however publications out there who have it on “good authority” that the prophecies foretell it:

“…residents are preparing for the worst, many saying that the Mayan apocalypse was foretold by Nostradamus, a prophecy which is clearly audible if you play ‘Sugar Man’ by Rodriguez backwards…”

Government has swooped on the opportunity of scoring some points with the public:

“…the Education Department has confirmed that it will announce this year’s Matric results on December 22, the day after the world ends. Spokesman Deemaz Pett added: “It’s going to be so nice not having any whiny DA killjoys around to question why every single learner in the country has achieved 43 distinctions.”

On the economic front, the Apocalypse could just be the solution to the global economic crises everybody's been waiting for:

“… this morning, consumer advisor Tata Shabinga van Rooyen urged shoppers to be on the lookout for pre-apocalypse bargains: “Just because a giant demigod with the head of a snake and the feet of an eagle is going to rise up out of the sea and obliterate us all, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the best deals,” she said, adding that sales of 2013 diaries were currently “sluggish” and that shoppers should try to haggle prices down…”

Even our beloved Pres is getting involved:

“The ANC has confirmed that Jacob Zuma is looking forward to the apocalypse. An aide for the President commented: “He’s going to be riding it out in his bunker at Nkandla. We’re under strict instructions to keep him limber and hydrated in case he needs to repopulate the planet afterwards. He’s been practicing these last few years, and he’s pretty stoked!”

Another, more local, publication ran the following comments:

“…with only 8 shopping days left before the world ends in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar, many holidaymakers are leaving Gauteng early to beat the pre-apocalypse rush to Cape Town…” (I saw them! And they caused traffic!! It was horrible!!!)

“Cape Town residents however say they are not particularly worried about the end of the world, as they experience an apocalypse every December when visitors from Gauteng start arriving: “It’s pretty much straight out of a Mayan prophecy,” said resident K.P. Oake. “These creatures arrive and start stomping around our city: boiled red like lobsters, gigantically fat, with nasty pork-sausage toes bursting out of crocs, wearing Springbok jerseys and board-shorts instead of real clothes. Utter obliteration will be kind of a blessing, really.”

International publications have headlines prepared for December 22nd, in anticipation of the event:

-USA Today:    WE'RE DEAD

-The Wall Street Journal:    DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

-Microsoft Systems Journal:    APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

-Victoria's Secret Catalog:    OUR FINAL SALE

-Sports Illustrated:    GAME OVER

-Wired:    THE LAST NEW THING

-Rolling Stone:    THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

-National Enquirer:    O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

-Playboy:    GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

-Readers Digest:    BYE

-Discover Magazine:    HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT

THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

-Lady's Home Journal:    LOSE 10 LBS BY NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

-America Online:    SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

-Inc. magazine:    TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

-Microsoft's Web Site:    IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Other than that I suppose it’s business as usual. Thank you to the contributors (including Hayibo – first contribution), and to you the reader for bearing with this.

With a view on the end, this week features a view from the past and something about a real live pilot. Confucius is a wise… man and says parents shouldn’t text. The millionaires are gone but we investigate when it's appropriate to use the f-word. And finally, I am happy to announce that the Irish, once again, feature as my Pick of the Week. Thanks for that one Sharkbait!

Hope you have a grand week… it could be your last!

Good luck and ENJOY!

The way it was…

Pilots wing it

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, and all kinds of planes. Flew a B-29 in WWII and a Sabre later in the Korean conflict. Taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Confucius say…

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

Don't eat snow where huskies go

Why parents shouldn’t text

Even the big names used it (some appropriate uses of the F-word):

"Any f***ing idiot could understand that."    - Einstein

"What the f*** was that bang?"    - Mayor Of Hiroshima

"Where the f*** are we?"    - Amelia Earhart

"It does so f***ing look like her!"    - Leonardo da Vinci

"How the f*** did you work that out?"    - Pythagoras

"Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?"    - General Custer

"Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!"    - Noah

Pick of the Week

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women were entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

It's Friday!

Ola all,

OK, it’s Friday and by the time you read this I’ve probably got my shoes off, drinking beer, waiting for the barefoot cook to bring me my lunch. No, that is not another name for judogirl or my mother, although…. yeah, let’s not go there: judogirl reads this stuff nowadays and she’s faster than me.

It’s silly season and I’m breaking bread with the rest of the office. The cook is really barefoot. Cool.

Well, the biggest thing you may have missed last week was the last view of the moustache… well, technically you could check out last week’s post and miraculously it’ll still be there… (the picture, not the moustache… but you knew that… ). Yip, the mo was officially retired for the year. It was quite the ceremony. Clippers buzzing, hair flying, judogirl dancing… and hey, we found both Jimmy Hoffa AND Amelia Earhart in the process - jackpot!!

The one surprising thing that came out of the whole exercise is the reaction of the ladies to the whole mo shebang…: gents, if you didn’t go mo, you just wouldn’t know! (poet, know it - n’all that jazz)

On the same day the Poms absolutely clobbered the All Blacks in what can only be described as “stunning” fashion. Stunning, not in as a “wow, isn’t that fabulous!” kinda way, but rather a “WTF just happened?” kinda way. I’m sure the Kiwis are still trying to figure that out. Well done England (you have absolutely NO idea how hard that is to say without spitting on the ground)! To New Zealand – what a run! 10 years without a loss in the UK, and 20 matches without a defeat… until Saturday that is. The REALLY good thing though is that the Boks didn’t play the Poms on that Go-Mo-day, ‘cause I fear it could’ve gone very much the same way for us. But it didn’t – we beat them hands down: Go BOKKE!!

And of course I was forced to watch some Aussie sport: cricket actually. And did the Aussies wallop those Proteas? No, they didn’t. They actually got their behinds handed to them on a very dusty plate – exactly the way it should be! Great effort Gary and the Boys – worthy of that #1 spot in the world!!

And then of course there was the kids’ Christmas do at the school the other evening: we were all VERY excited as Santa Clause was visiting!! I thought it strange that he would come this early, but judogirl explained everything to me. Wee man and I just couldn’t contain ourselves; Peanut had no clue, she was just happy because there were swings!

The teachers had the poor kids singing songs but wee man, true to form, just mimed and snapped his fingers while he and I kept our eyes peeled for any signs of the fat man. Judogirl told him he was going to get a present for sleeping in his own bed for a whole week (yeah, I STILL get relegated to the couch or spare room on many nights by the kung-fu kids – yes, even while they sleep!). He managed it! And I am proud to say the logical-reasoning-gene is healthy and strong in that one: “Dad, I think you’re getting a present ‘cause you slept in your own bed too,” he exclaimed.

True as eggnog, Santa eventually arrived…

I must admit I did feel sorry for the bloke – he’s not looking himself this year. Me thinks the global recession has even hit the North pole... Santa’s lost weight. Lots of weight. And he’s shorter somehow. And his laugh is raspy: none of that jolly Ho-Ho-Ho stuff… it was more of a hee-hee-howzit-dude kinda thing… AND he didn’t bring me anything!

I’ve told judogirl we’re leaving a BIG BOX of cookies under our tree when he comes back later this month. And a chocolate. Maybe even a pack of biltong – although the Reindeer could frown upon that... Judogirl patted my hand softly and asked me not to speak to any of the other parents… think she thought the emotion would overcome me… bless her. But the poor bloke…

Anyway, apart from that all I can report is that I need to get to that lunch now. Thanks to the contributors....... the very FEW contributors this week. It's about kids (again), a couple of gals working, lawyers and our millionaires joking. Something of equine nature and why parents shouldn't text. My pick of the week focuses on wisdom and words to live by.

Hope you have a grand week - we'll chat again next week!

Kids and Religion

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Lawyers... we all know one

The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.

He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

Women in construction

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work for a construction crew. One day, they were on their lunch break, sitting on a beam thirty stories high.

“I dread lunch!” said the blonde. “Do you know I’ve had to endure exactly the same lunch every day for the last 6 months? It’s infuriating!”

“Me too!” wailed the redhead. “I can’t stand another day of facing a peanut butter and jam sandwich!”

“Wow, I agree – I just can’t stand facing the same lunch. Aaargh!” exclaimed the brunette.

They agreed if they opened their lunchboxes and found the same lunch, they would all hurl themselves off the beam (as girls do...)

The next day, the police are investigating the scene where the three women fell. When the police told the husbands the reason for their wives throwing themselves to their death, the brunette and the redhead's husbands both said, "If I had known, I would have given her something different."

The blonde's husband said, "Don't look at me, she packed her own lunch."

Horse play

 

Confucius says…

 

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

He who put face in punch bowl, get punch in nose.

Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Why parents shouldn’t text

 

It’s different when uber-millionaires joke…

 

Pick of the Week

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people – He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

It's (a final Movember) Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday (well it is while I’m typing – when you read this, time could actually, and inexplicably, have moved on) and I’ve been quite busy. I’m still busy. It’s been a busy week. Full of busyness, so to speak. However, while efficiently utilising time relative to the results achieved while utilising lots of time in doing it, a natural realisation dawned upon me that I may have bent the truth just a wee tad last week when I said “nothing really exciting actually happened…”

Quite a few things actually happened that I never lighted upon…

If you’re wondering where this language is coming from, wonder no more: I recently renewed my poetic licence! Worth every penny.

Back to things happening:

Firstly, the Reserve Bank threw me a curveball by releasing new bank notes into circulation while I was sunning my buns in the bushveld. The first I knew about them was when a new R20-bill was propped in my hand as change at a toll gate… (thing about toll gates: no time to argue!). I drove off feeling slightly cheated and totally confused – distinctly uncomfortable with the “foreign 20” in my possession and thinking of ways to get rid of it while staying out of Pollsmoor Prison.

At the first fuel station I used it to purchase a couple of litres – adding a little something to the attendant to sweeten the deal.

Short note: in considering my options to test the “blatant counterfeit”, my obvious choices for expert cash handlers fell between petrol pump attendant and traffic official… I chose the petrol attendant – no need to upset a traffic official during a “delicate negotiation”, eh?.... we do live in South Africa after all!

As I handed him a fistfull of do.... fistfull of notes, I waited, breath bated (question: does that mean my breath smells of anchovies, or I’m gonna catch something with it?), while closely monitoring his expression… My plan proved prudent when I saw his face contort as he noticed the “alien” among its older (and more familiar) friends. I was about to turn and run when a wide grin broke over his face as he exclaimed: “Eish, this new Madiba money catches me out – every time!”

So, we have new money – that’s something.

Oh, and even before that something else happened: while still IN the bushveld, Peanut, our wee gal, got bit by a snake (this is South Africa, after all… or did I say that already somewhere?) – right on the foot! In a bit of a panic I picked up the little one and we rushed off to the doctor… how fortunate that it happened in the ONLY camp where a medical practitioner has rooms… They dropped everything when they heard our news, rushing our bewildered party through reception, past the waiting throngs of two individuals, and immediately started an examination: they looked, palpated, and listened. They mouth-to-mouthed, listened, resuscitated, and listened again… A push here, a prod there, a few injections and we were told to wait… and watch… and hope…

But alas, they just couldn’t save that poor snake!

That’s gotta count for something, don’t you think?

Africa’s a tough country – definitely NOT for sissies! And that little girl is proving to be a carbon copy of her mother – tough and true! A mini-judogirl!

And then…

Wanting to feature somehow, I thought judogirl would appreciate a manly gesture - akin to Kingsley Holgate conquering the great Sahara - on foot! So I organised to collect a bakkie-load of the best Rooikrans braai wood the Western Cape has to offer. At a VERY reasonable price. Extremely reasonable. My "connection" "connected" me with a "supplier" (this licence thing is magic - how else can you get away with using so many of those "" thingies?). They led the way into the sandy wilderness with an instruction to meet them "at the top of the hill" – that statement was as broad as a politician’s promise. But I wasn’t concerned – I was driving "The Beast"! A 3.5litre rough-n-tough, go-where-you-want, beast of a bakkie with BF Goodridges allround. They pitched up with battered and broken rust-buckets running on 3 cylinders slowly drifting over the sandy terrain.

I’m not going to bore you with details…... No, I’m not..... Stop asking….!

OK, in short: I got stuck. Tried digging myself out. Got stuck more. They dragged me out. The end. See? Nothing happened.

And later that day the Springboks, against all odds and logic,  managed to trounce the English… by a single point. A trouncing nevertheless.

And while we’re talking about the Poms, it’s a very closely-guarded secret that I don’t have much gumption for the monarchy and what they actually do… or don’t do… or what they… eish, who again? Anyhoo, this week, I happened upon a recent correspondence which I thought quite impressive, thoughtful, and generous. It coming from the top Royal Hindness herself made it even more spectacular. It was a recent communication sent to the USA after their most recent elections. Fascinating reading:

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (Please look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with catsup, but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen! *

*from this face I think that's more of an instruction than a request...

And then Movember has all but run its course: 30 days of stubble accumulated on my upper lip, and I am VERY glad to report that “Wilkinson Sword” does indeed NOT refer to a child’s birthday party. If you do not know what I’m talking about, it is blatantly obvious you didn’t read last week’s blog, or you have the memory of a carrot…. and with the world’s population currently in excess of 6 gazillion-trillion-million and the blog not receiving that many hits I can safely assume you didn’t……… go read it.

Tomorrow the Mo’s gonna go! It’s been fun and for a very good cause – one close to my heart… well, about 30-40cm due south from my heart actually. However… it is time! It itches, it irritates, it irks… it MOVES!!!

One last look…

OK, so I’ve talked much and said nothing. For the rest it’s about a very scary 4 year old, a minx of a 16 year old, and a Chinese bloke who’s very old. A final look at brand power and the millionaires share a chuckle, and my Pick of the Week graciously supplied by Insta’Gran. Thanks also to friend moonstone, the Lawman, and of course babydoll. Pastor Bob had a very later entry, but it made it - thanks!

Hope you all have a grand week!

Kids… ‘nuf said

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same. Forget about it, it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little *&#$%*# has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour, who babysits him every now and then, pregnant.”

"Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said the man. "The little sod stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

Brand power (if big brands made condoms…)

Brand power ignored!

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." (title making sense now?)

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie's pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!

Confucius says...

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone

Man wrapped up in himself make very small package

Man who wear g-string high on crack

It's different when uber-millionaires joke…

Pick of the Week

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,

but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'



It's (another Movember) Friday!

Ola all,

It’s that time of the week where you’re watching the clock, feverishly finding ways to seem productive while you’re planning the weekend ahead… I aim to assist in that endeavour. Not so much the preparing-for-the-weekend part (can’t help you there – have kids) but the looking-very-busy-reading-urgent-report bit!

Unfortunately that’s not going to be that easy this week because nothing really exciting actually happened: the Springboks played like a bunch of girls managing, by mere mercy alone, in avoiding another humiliating defeat to a very spirited Scottish side. Our very own BokDok put it very eloquently in a message sent to me during the match: “…there's so much individual sh*t out there - they can’t even play sh*t as a team!”

In their defence though: I have it on very good authority that the Springboks’ travel arrangements put them under some pressure as they arrived at the stadium a tad later than scheduled. This didn’t allow much time to do their hair and make-up before kick-off. We can but hope that the management cuts short beauty-sleep this coming Saturday, or at least arrange for pamper-packs on the bus to Twickenham. If not, things could go seriously wrong against the Souties.

Go Bokke, we’re right behind you! (together with Estee Lauder, Max Factor, and that Avon chick)

All jokes aside, we support you Bokke - 100% (and any other team that plays against England… even the Aussies)!

Talking of Aussies… apparently some of their cricket batsmen didn’t get the memo that it’s not very sportsmanlike to hog the batting crease for days on end scoring tons of runs against the Proteas… but that’s down in Aus and who watches Aussie sport anyway?

Other than that, Movember is running into its final week and very many very hairy upper lips have sprouted (say that three times out loud) all over the place. And having committed to this cause, enduring the fluff, the itch, the scratching, the comments and skin grafts, the moustache is actually starting to grow on me – we’ve become very attached in a way. I think it makes me look “Distinguished Gentleman” – Judogirl reckons “Baby Walrus”.

There’s only 1 week left of this Movember, so we’ll see what happens to the Mo after that… I notice Judogirl’s marked the calendar with a big red circle on December 1st - looks like a birthday party again… someone called “Wilkinson Sword”. Sheesh, what people don’t call their kids nowadays! Can’t recall meeting the Swords… they must be new in town. Maybe they’ll like the moustache…

How can they not – just look at it…

I’m a Mo Bro and proud of it! Please visit my MoBro space to contribute to the cause! Congrats and thanks also to all the Mo Sistas - ladies who support Movember by supporting their man or the cause in general!

At work I’m looking to employ an administrator which means I’ve spent hours reading through stacks of resumés. Although this is an extremely responsible job, it can be very laborious. I had to give credit to a few candidates who managed to keep me sane during this process with the following few choice phrases:

Qualifications:

"I’m filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

Job Responsibilities:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

(I think this guy worked for Lehmann Brothers in 2007…)

Reasons for terminating previous employment:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I could not work under those conditions."

"I was met with a string of broken promises and lies. As well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

Physical Disabilities:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

(!!!)

General:

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I thought I should try stock brokerage."  (another Lehmann man!)

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

Personal Interests:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

(Previous employer: Dr A Cula of Transylvania perhaps?)

Small typos that could’ve changed the meaning… or maybe not:

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Northwest chain operation."

And my favourites – bonus points for originality:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"Marital Status: Often.   Children: Various."

In an interview I congratulated the candidate, a Mo Sista, on supporting the Movember cause:

"That fake moustache looks so real!" I congratulated.

"What fake moustache?" she asked.

The position hasn't been filled yet...

This week it’s about young love, naked men, Confucius and other South African celebs. Little Larry is on summer holiday, but a couple of millionaires are standing in for him over the next three weeks. There’s something on the power of branding and my Pick of the Week.

Thank you to the contributors: Insta’Gran, Lawman, Friend moonstone, BokDok and babydoll. And a special thank you to you for reading this drivel – what would it be without you?!

Have a lekker weekend!

(Oh by the way, I'm "going social" (whatever the tonsil that means), so if you like this, please tell your friends - facebook and twitter link now supplied.... somewhere around here... I think...)

Young Love

Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.

Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12… where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money. Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds. That's about 52 pounds a month so we should do just fine."

Mr Smith is impressed that Billy has put so much thought into this.

"Well Billy, it seems like you have everything worked out. But if you want to get married, you might end up having kids of your own. What then?"

Billy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

(Mr Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable)

Brand power (if big brands made condoms…)

A letter to Grandma

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo of himself in half and mails it to her.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent her the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother saying:

Dear Petie,

Thanks for your letter. I am very happy that you are enjoying your new home.

Thank you also for the lovely picture. You look fit. I think you might want to change your hairstyle though, it makes your nose look too short."

Love,

Grandma

Confucius say…

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

Man who jumps through screen door could strain himself

Don't eat snow where huskies go

Man who wish to make headlines should sleep on corduroy pillow

Truly South African

This is a truly South African gem. In order to make it global the following background:

Jacob Zuma is currently South Africa’s 3rd democratically elected President;

Ernie Els is one of South Africa’s greatest and most successful golfers of all time;

Naas Botha is, at the end of the day, South Africa’s most iconic (kicking) flyhalf of all…

Jacob Zuma walked into a branch of Standard Bank to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said, “Yes, good morning. Could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Zuma: "Well actually, I am Jacob Zuma, the President. Don’t you recognise me?"

Cashier: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations nowadays, monitoring of the banks, FICA, scrutinising of imposters, fraud and forgers, I must insist on proof of identity."

Zuma: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am. Serious!"

Cashier: "I am sorry sir, but these are the bank rules and I must abide by them. I’m sure you can understand."

Zuma: "Eish man, but I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Mmm… well, perhaps there's another way... You see, one day Ernie Els came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Ernie Els he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt that rolled right across the bank’s foyer, through the credit card department and into a cup in the manager’s office. With that shot we knew him to be Ernie Els and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Naas Botha came in without ID. He pulled out a rugby ball and made a fabulous drop kick. The ball flew through the air, right over this exact counter, and landed in my coffee mug without spilling a drop. With that spectacular kick we knew him to be Naas Botha and cashed his cheque.

So sir, is there anything that you can do to prove that it is you, and only you, our President?"

Zuma stood thinking for some time, and finally said: "Honestly madam, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Ah, welcome Mr President, will that be large or small notes?"

Of being Bill Gates and Steve Jobs (RIP)…

Pick of the Week:

Tony and Yvonne were both 85 years old and in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now!'

'How much is all this going to cost?' asked Tony.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' Tony grumbled.

'This is Heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free. Every day!'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your flippen Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'