It's pre-Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, pre-Friday, as in it's actually Thursday, but I can't go about nilly-willy changing the name on a weekly basis just because my timing stinks. However, seeing I’ll be spending most of Friday at 30,000 feet I thought I’d send you this early, therefore pre-Friday! Rather early than late, and rather late than never and all that jazz… or something to that effect. The clan is off to the bushveld: dust at dawn, sunstroke by tea, tick bite for fun, elephant stampede as entertainment, and mosquitoes all through the night… HEAVEN!!

Of course our holiday shouldn’t stand in the way of your weekly gaggle of giggles, but if it does… I don’t think it’ll bother me too much. I will however be thinking of you guys every day... well, I’ll try. But if I don’t manage it, I don’t think it’ll bother me too much… Look, I’ll try and write – honestly – so visit every now and then for an update or follow along on twitter… but if I don’t manage that… you get it, I’m sure.

Unfortunately I have to cut things short as I need to finalise the trip, i.e. go pack! Strange how things change eh? When “us” consisted of judogirl and me, packing for a two week holiday in the bushveld was easy:

2 x standard toothbrush

1 x standard bikini (that's for judogirl)

board shorts (optional)

t-shirts (optional)

flipflops

and we’re off – two minutes flat!!

But since the kung-fu-kids joined the clan, a two week holiday (or a trip to the mall) requires five weeks of planning, fitting, packing, repacking, financing, upgrading, crying, buying, and several trips to the psycholocologist.

So I’m off, leaving in my wake a few snippets sent to me by babydoll, friend moonstone and the Medicine Man (seeya soon, ol’ man). It’s about rugby, old age, and an ugly woman. There are free drinks and a Chinese guy. The Irish feature as this Week’s Pick.

Enjoy, and see you later… much later!!

ps: if you don't know where the bushveld is, the photo below will help...

Rugby down under…

Richie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down.

“What’s up guys?” he asks.

“Well Richie, to be honest we’re having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia. We know it’s important but we’ve just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let’s be honest, it’s only the Aussies this week. They’re crap and we simply can’t be bothered”.

Richie looks at them and says “Okay, I hear what you’re saying. The way I’ve been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don’t you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself”

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree.

So Richie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on. A huge cheer goes up as, 25 minutes into the game, the screen reads:

New Zealand 7 - Australia 0

So the beers keep flowing and the telly goes off - the game temporarily forgotten.

Suddenly someone remembers, “Heck guys, it must be full time now. How do you think Richie got on?”. They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly. There on the screen is the result:

Full-time from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (Try: McCaw, Conversion: McCaw) - Australia 7, (Try: Sharpe, Conversion: Cooper).

They can’t believe it – it’s a draw! Richie McCaw single-handedly managed a draw against the Wallabies!

Delighted, they rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

“I’ve let you down guys,” he mumbles disconsolately. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve really let you down.”

“Don’t be an idiot skipper, you got a draw against Australia, and that all by yourself. And you held them scoreless up to the 79th minute! That’s phenomenal!!”

“No, no, guys, I really let you down,” says Richie. “I hope you can forgive me. My lack of discipline let you all down… Five minutes from full time, I got sent off!”

The lady and the hat

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam… I do not intend to be forward but I think you should know your dress is blowing up in this high wind."

"Yes, I know," said the lady looking out over the waters. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any… um… panties and your… uhm… private bits are um… exposed!" said the gentleman blushing wildly.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Without blinking Larry replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network.”

Summer holiday

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Confucius say:

Man who sleep like baby does not have one

He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man

Man who sit on hot stove will rise again

Man who read woman like book prefer braille

The baker man can

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He answered, "I'd like five loaves please."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! You know that by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

"I can't believe it,” he replied. “Everybody knows about this shit but me!"

Reincarnation

Every Friday evening after work, Gamat would braai a big, fat juicy steak. But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore not allowed to eat meat on a Friday, suffered agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on the evening breeze.

They persuaded the priest to try and convert Gamat, and the priest was successful in doing so.

When Gamat attended mass, the priest sprinkled holy water over him and said: "You were born a Protestant. You were raised a Protestant. But now you are a Catholic."

Everybody was delighted, but when Friday night came, the wonderful aroma of grilled steak again wafted over the neighbourhood. The priest rushed into Gamat’s garden just in time to see him clutch a small bottle of holy water, sprinkling it over the grilling meat and chanting:

"Djou was born a cow. Djou was raised a cow. But now djou's a Tuna!"

Pick of the Week:

Sitting in a New York bar, a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Dundee, there's a wee place called The Pillars. The landlord, Big Ed, goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Ireland there’s a pub where they’ll buy you a drink the moment you set foot in the place. Then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman are amazed although slightly suspicious of his claims. But the Irishman swore every word was true.

"Where exactly is this pub, Paddy?" they asked.

"Och I dunno, never been there meself. But me sister goes there and it’s happened to her quite a few times."

It's Friday! (and we're feeling perky...)

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday and it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!! I support it!

In saying that, it's been a beautiful week full of perks, laced with support (that right there is what I have newly invented: a pre-pun! It’s a pun, but because you have no idea why, I have to explain it... and then you’ll probably have to reread it… and then... ag, don't worry about it - it's a work in progress!)

However, it was a great week: judogirl forced me to think about women’s breasts much more than any other week! I also had to look at various wonderful pictures depicting some of the most gloriously beautiful lingerie and lingerie models that possibly anyone could imagine. And all of that in the name of science…

You see, judogirl and I both have a very keen interest in bras and we’re both passionate about educating women about the right choice and the right fit… bit of a boob-man, me… so while judogirl elects to speak to 600 girls packed into a hall about the subject, I favour a personal touch – the one-2-one approach… (if you spotted the pun there, well done. If not, you have an overactive mind… shame on you!).

Judogirl delivers these talks and workshops in an effort to educate ladies about the importance and manner of selecting the correct fit and size. Our various views compliment each other and I gladly assist where I can, offering advice and first-hand experience… She would say things like “I love the support in that” and “the straps are perfectly aligned with the shoulders” or “perfect cup for her morphology, wouldn’t you agree?” while I comment “yip, the intricate 57 panel design in that cup fits her curve perfectly” and “the lace in that should create a soft yet firm feel”. That’s what I say out loud. Internally the language is reduced to “wagawaga whoolahoola woopedy doodadaye…!!” and stuff like that.

It’s a grand passion we share and we try to keep abreast of any new developments in an effort to support, assist and educate. It’s a tough job, but I do it because I care. It’s a project that’s very close to my heart!

In keeping with this theme, this week’s contributions are predominantly from babydoll... and the Royal Hindness Princess Kate who single-handedly managed to substantially and immediately increase the value of the Great British Pound in an otherwise depreciating global economic environment. It’s pure GENIUS!

The Pound perks…

Apart from the above I tried to focus on other things, but it wasn’t easy.

Thank you also to the other lady contributors including the Angel Lady, and Insta’Gran! This week it’s about blondes, bras (of course), dead ducks, Little Larry, and best friends. I've also decided to branch into other markets and have contracted with an old Chinese bloke in an effort to draw an Oriental audience – one can but learn from other civilisations! And of course there's my Pick of the Week.

Hope you enjoy!

Blonde technology

I walked into the post office and saw a blonde yelling into an envelope.

“What are you doing?” I asked bewildered.

“Sending a voicemail,” she said.

A visit to the Vet

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman…

"R1,000?!" she cried, "R1,000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet replied, "No dear madam, don’t be silly, that only costs R100. The additional R900 is for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.”

9 Months later…

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don't worry,” John said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

Nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. He almost fainted as he read the letter. It took a few minutes to sink in, but he finally determined that the letter was from the attorney of that attractive widow they had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?”

“Yes, I do! Wow, that was a grand weekend. What was that... about 9 months ago? How time flies,” said Keith.

“Yeah, well. Did you… er… happen to… uhm… get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house to... uhm… pay her a… visit?”

“Er,… well… um… yes I did,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her yours?”

Keith's face turned beet red and he stammered, “Well , you see… um, it’s like this…. Yeah look, I'm sorry about that buddy, but you know if it came out and… you know the wife and… uhm, why do you ask?”

“Well, seems she just died and left me everything.”

Confucius say

Man walking naked through automatic airport door going to Bangkok.

Marriage like game of poker: start with pair – end with full house.

He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Virgin Active

An older guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a cute girl across the floor. So he asked the trainer standing next to him: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."

 

 

Little Larry and his Grandpa goes to the mall. Little Larry manages to get lost while Grandpa is checking out the birds…

Little Larry walks up to a security guard and says: “I’ve lost my grandpa.”

“What’s his name?” asks the guard.

“Grandpa” answers Little Larry.

The guard smiles.

“What’s he like?” he asks.

“Johnny Walker Blue Label and women with big breasts.”

The Jewish Bra

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife. Size 34B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

"She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she meant," he repeated.

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"

"It’s all really quite simple,” she responded. “The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Oh, the Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills," she replied.

Pick of the Week:

When George Burns turned 97 years old he was interviewed by Tyra Banks.

Tyra asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable."

George Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Tyra said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."

Tyra said, "I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished, Tyra said, "That was amazing – you are a remarkable man!"

George said, "The second time is even better than the first."

Tyra asked, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Tyra was beside herself with joy, "Oh, Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. And at your age! Oh my, oh my, oh my!!"

George told her that the third time would be even better.

"You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Tyra asked, "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George replied, "No, but the last time I had sex with a supermodel she stole my wallet.”

It's Friday! (11 years on...)

Ola all,

It’s Friday yet again – can you believe they come around every week? As you’re reading this, I’m possibly sunning my buns or sipping cocktails under a summery Cape sky…

Two things, if you believe the above you have absolutely no idea where the Cape is – it’s in the middle of winter, that’s where it. Every other South African is already complaining about the heat and we’re wearing jumpers and wellingtons…

OK, that’s only one thing, but counting was never my strong suit – remember, I used to be a Trainer.

However, it’s a weekend of celebrations and I am taking the family to the farm… read into that what you like.

Celebrations…? Yip!

Celebration one: 11 short years ago judogirl and I tied the knot. A bit hasty, some murmured, as we’d only been attached to each other for five years at that stage. It feels like just the other day though… (probably because I only managed to put the wedding photos into an album two weeks ago…)

Celebration two: judogirl’s first EVER contribution to “spit happens”!!

Other than that, nothing much has changed: we’re still not sleeping because the wee man doesn’t like it when we do – he’s afraid he’ll miss out (I still have to figure out on what…)

The other night, particularly tired of the wee man’s nonsense, judogirl and I lay there side by side, eyes wide, waiting for sweet-sweet-sleep, which never comes as this is but the quiet before the storm… like every other night…:

"Daaaaad!" (that’s the wee man shouting).

"What?" (that’s me shouting back).

"I’m thirsty. Will you bring me some water? In a cup. A blue cup. The blue cup I like." (between you and me, doesn’t matter which blue cup I’ll take, it’ll be the wrong blue cup)

"No, you had your chance. Now go to sleep."

Judogril and I lie there – wide eyed… we know it’s not even close to being over. It’s but a matter of time... so after a matter of time...

"Daaaad!"

"What?!"

"I’m thirsty! Will you bring me some water? In a blue cup."

"I said NO, and if you ask me again I’m coming over there to smack your bottom!"

judogirl smiled at me softly – I could tell what she was thinking: “you really told him!” I felt all warm and fuzzy: the silence was an indication of a very rare victory. And victory was sweet…

Daaaaaad!!!”

“WHAT?!!” (I was gonna add $%^*#!!, but didn’t)

“When you come to smack my bottom, will you bring me some water? In a blue cup.”

“…….”

My mother says things will get better.

My mother said things would get better two years ago.

My mother has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about…

And the way the world is going, I can’t see how things are going to get better. Think about it:

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation… (you know them)

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers… (pre-TV)

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X… (yip – mirror, mirror...)

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y…

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

I think you can see where I’m going with this: wee man and the peanut were born after that… what generation will they become?

Generation ZzzzzZ?

Can’t be, ‘cause “ZzzzZ” would resemble sleep – AND WE ALL KNOW HE HATES THAT!!!

Anyhoo, enough about my troubles, I’m off to the farm. Thanks to the contributors: Medicine man, Phil Philharmonic (yip, another new contributor), Insta’Gran, friend Moonstone, babydoll, and of course…. (drumroll) ….JUDOGIRL (you almost forgot, didn’t you?).

It’s all about sirens, working late, some IT support shorts, charity, Little Larry, reincarnation and my Pick of the Week.

Enjoy!!

One for the road...

An ambulance comes hurtling by, sirens blaring. A drunk bloke is running after it at full speed, stumbles and crashes heavily to the road.

He gets up groggily, bleeding lightly. Dusting himself off he shakes a fist at the speeding ambulance and shouts: “STUFF YOUR @*##$% ICE CREAM UP YOUR $&#*@, MAN!!!”

Computer shorts

Mom phoned this week because they couldn’t access their email: “Stupid computer thingy keeps saying it is an incorrect password or something…”

After a few short questions I realised they were trying to access their hotmail account via the gmail website… honest mistake for the Silent Generation.

You may have had similar conversations…:

Son: What kind of computer did you get Mom?

Mom: A white one.

Mom: I don’t know where to find the letter typing programme. Can you help?

Son: OK Mom, click on 'START' for me and….

Mom: Listen Mr Smartypants, don't get all technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!

Mom: The thing won’t print. Every time I try, it says “CAN'T FIND PRINTER”. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!

Mom: I have problems printing in red.

Son: Wow, did you guys get a colour printer?

Mom: Aaaah . . . . . . . . .thanks.

Son: What's on your monitor now, mom?

Mom: That teddy bear your dad bought me for Valentine’s day.

Mom: I can't get on the internet.

Son: Are you sure you used the correct password?

Mom: Yes, I'm sure. I saw your sister type it in last week.

Son: That’s odd. Can you tell me what the password was?

Mom: Yip, five dots.

Son: What anti-virus program do you use?

Mom: Netscape.

Son: That's not an anti-virus program.

Mom: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

Mom: I have a huge problem! My friend placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Son: Hi Mom, how can I help you?

Mom: I'm writing my first email.

Son: Well done! What seems to be the problem?

Mom: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

Mom: We bought a new printer for your dad’s photos but we can’t get it to work…

Son: Are you running it under Windows?

Mom: No, our desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point – our neighbour’s printer is next to his window and it works fine! Who knew?!

Son: Okay Dad, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Dad: Huh?

Son: Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Dad: I don't have a 'P'.

Son: On your keyboard, Dad.

Dad: What do you mean?

Son: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Dad.

Dad: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Working late

The beggar and the benefactor

Every day a man walks past a beggar and hands him R10. He does this for an entire year – so much so that the beggar even budgets around it.

One day though the contributions are reduced to R7.50….

"Well," the beggar concludes, “it’s still better than nothing. And it’s regular.”

Another year passes.

Then suddenly the daily contributions are reduced to R5…

The beggar accepts this for about two days before he pipes up.

“Tell me now, whatever happened here? First you give me R10 every day, then you reduce it to R7.50 and now you’ve cut me to R5 a day…. Inflation hits me too you know. So what’s the story?”

"Well," answers his benefactor, "Last year my eldest son went to university. That costs a lot of money so I had to cut my expenses. Then at the start of this year my daughter also went to university and I had to budget accordingly, cutting more expenses."

"And how many kids do you have?" the beggar wants to know.

"Four beautiful children," the man answers proudly.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you’re not planning on educating them all at my expense!"

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Little Larry, the liquor-store owner's son, brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," replied Little Larry.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”

"No," said Little Larry.

“What is in the box?” she smiled.

"It's a puppy!"

Pick of the Week:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”

He almost faints as his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher.”

And then

Judogirl… gotta love her! (no seriously, legally I have to love her – said I would in front of all those witnesses…)

Judogirl and I have never discussed reincarnation (probably because she thought it was a city in Peru), but somehow she knew...  

It's Friday! (finally...)

Ola all,

The past week (or two) has been fraught (vrot in Afrikaans) with sport. The Springboks were eventually given a chance to play and ran rings around the Aussies, leaving a couple of battered and bruised kangaroos limping from the field wanting for their mammas. It was beautiful!

Tomorrow it’s the mighty All Blacks in Soweto – an “away game” for both teams, but with the atmosphere usually associated with this venue I think it’s gonna be a scorcher!! Go Bokke!!

The same could not be said for the Proteas in the ICC’s World T20 Cricket Championships in Sri Lanka. The poor okes couldn’t bat – not on the pitch or afterwards when the criticism was bowled their way after the unexpected exit from the competition. Saying however that the South Africans succumbed to the dreaded “choke” yet again is a tad harsh in my opinion. Surely you need to reach the knock-out phase of the competition first BEFORE you can succumb to “The Choke”.

Jokes aside – this is sport and these things happen. Whatever the reason: mental block, poor tactics, team selection, or scrambled eggs, we beat the Poms over and over just a few short weeks ago, so that remains in my mind. And that was beautiful!

Then, of course, there was the Ryder Cup… possibly my favourite sporting event. For the very few of you who (for some inexplicable reason) don’t know this, the Ryder Cup is a 3-day golf championship consisting of various team and individual format golf matches played every two years between Teams Europe and USA.

For the first two days Europe struggled and couldn’t buy a put for all money, while a brilliant USA took a commanding lead. Late on Saturday, Ian Poulter (yes, a Pom, but don’t linger on that) produced his usual Ryder Cup passion-play magic, sinking a phenomenal 5 birdies over the last 5 holes to save Europe from a 5 point deficit going into Sunday’s singles matches. Good on you, you old English sausage! By close of play Saturday evening USA (well deserved) led Europe 10-6.

On Sunday however, Team Europe displayed courage, skill, passion, grit and guts (no scrambled eggs) to pull off the greatest comeback in Ryder Cup history! I’m not going to bore you with the details, but it was BEAUTIFUL!!

Unfortunately, a portion of Team USA’s supporters again didn’t win them any international favour with their usual atrocious and unsporting conduct along the fairways and around the greens. It wasn’t quite Valhalla (may the world be spared THAT to ever happen again) but it did leave an unsavoury taste (could be the scrambled eggs again) while making the European victory all that much sweeter! Gleneagles in two year’s time… can’t wait!

Due to the above, of course I had to add some golfing content – my sincerest apologies if you’re not all too familiar with the terms and lingo of the greatest game ever played.

I am happy to announce that babydoll is back, having exchanged the home of the Hobbits for the cheery skies of the UK! I eagerly awaited her take on life as a Pom… and she hasn’t disappointed. Thanks for that! Medicine Man, you’re in here too, so is Little Larry.

I am having a bit of a moral dilemma about my choice for Pick of the Week – a cartoon. Although not really below the belt, it is a cartoon that could raise some uncomfortable questions from your kids. I dunno. It’s meant as mirth and a chuckle – see it in that light, or don’t read it.

Enjoy!

Golf in Africa…

An English businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. His hotel directed him to a golf course in the nearby bushveld. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could play on.

"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit.

"Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro. "His handicap is 16."

Without blinking, the caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. The businessman was surprised, but decided not to ask any questions.

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4.

"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.

Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found it eventually and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle… a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

"That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.

"Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.

Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.

"Eish, nice save that, eh?" said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

"Why didn't you kill it?" cried the man incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the stroke 17. You don't get a shot here."

Golf everywhere else…

 

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”

Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......”

(Golf) Shorts:

Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.   ~John Updike

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.   ~Horace G. Hutchinson

If you drink, don't drive…. don't even putt.   ~Dean Martin

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.   ~Bishop Sheen

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.   ~ Arnold Palmer

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.   ~Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.    ~Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they’re still rolling.   ~Mark Twain

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.   ~Hackers everywhere

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.   ~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.   ~Lee Trevino

Newspaper article:

The South African sport supporter is a tough nut. Our love for sport and achievement runs deep, so it does hurt when we don’t accomplish what we know we can. The below picture and caption was placed in a local newspaper by some bright spark who felt deeply disappointed by the Protea’s (SA’s National Cricket Team) premature exit from the ICC’s T20 Cricket Championship. Free press and an’all, you know…….?



He was the only athlete in the 100 metres, but was placed second.

A future Protea by any chance?



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pick of the Week:
If ever you've lived in a flat - anywhere - you will understand that privacy is treasured and comes at a premium. In this light, this week's pic scored (a possible pun right there) highly in my book and therefore renders babydoll victor among all!!

To the sensitive reader: this is your final chance to avert your eyes....

if you're reading this you're probably gonna scroll on and look at the cartoon....

have a good weekend!

last chance......

I almost had a conscience attack and deleted it, but...

don't ever say I didn't offer you various opportunities to not be offended... or look away...