It's Friday! (yet again)

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday, 3 weeks later, and I am humbled and privileged to quote my dear Sunday school friend, the right honorable, His Holiness Pope “Eggs” Benedict, immediately after his latest (and last) public appearance as the Head (neck and shoulders) of the Roman Catholic Church: “Good God, I’m glad this week is over!”

His Holiness quoted another famous icon of our time, Obelix the Gaul, when he walked out onto the Vatican verandah overlooking St Peter’s Square, seeing the throngs of people who had come to see him…: “These Romans are crazy!”

Of course he said this in Latin so most people thought it very profound…

If I had a choice I would have preferred quoting Robinson Crusoe: “I always have all my work done by Friday!”

The world is full of them – quotes (and Fridays) – not Romans (well, not so much nowadays)! Some quotes are famous, others not so much. For some or other bizarre reason I suddenly find a couple of very interesting ones forcing their way into my (slightly befuddled) mind. And because you are forced to read this they are (less than insidiously) forcing their way into your mind too. Beauts like:

“Where the #%@& are we?”    (Amelia Earhart)

“Now let’s not lose our heads here!”    (Mari-Antoinette)

“Yes, I CAN!!!”    (Wile E Coyote)

“It’s all downhill from here!”    (Edmund Hillary)

“Another day, another $7,000,000!”    (Sir William “Bill” of Gates)

“Huuhh….?!”    (Scooby Doo)

“When next I consider marriage, I’ll just find a woman I hate and buy her a house.”    (Rod Stewart)

“Only 100% pure beef* in our burgers!”  (His Royal Highness the Burger King)

“It wasn’t me.”    (judogirl, wee man, peanut, and the dog)

“And so on and so forth…” (that’s not a quote, just me trying to get back to my writing).

By Jupiter, I don’t know what it is about this year – I seem to run out of days every week. I hardly have time for this dribble (as you may have noticed).

“Ya finally grew up?” (that there was a quote again – the Human Waterski from Scotland thinking I had stopped writing). Now THAT would be an absolute tragedy!!!

While I didn't manage to update the blog, another tragedy occurred on our doorstep, traversed the globe in a media frenzy (social and otherwise) and left the beautiful Reeva Steenkamp dead and our own Oscar Pistorius, a.k.a. Bladerunner, fighting for what is left of his shattered world.

Whatever the facts, whatever the outcome – everybody involved lost.

The worst thing about this whole Oscar Pistorius business is the way in which people make light of it – it’s absolutely prosthetic… agh, I mean pathetic!

Apparently they held an Oscar evening somewhere in Hollywood, but I don’t know whether it went ahead or was cancelled – Oscar’s bail conditions didn’t allow him outside Pretoria…

Anyhoo…

Everybody wondered how the news broke of the horse meat in burgers – well wonder no more: it was ME! I had to go to hospital after eating a horse burger. Don’t worry, I'm in a stable condition now. I have to admit: it did give me the trots!

And finally we can end off the week in the company of Burger Kings, hungry bears, a group of shipwrecked islanders and the Irish!! Pick of the Week goes to Farmer John of Aus and the smartest kid in the world!

Thanks also to Sharkbait, friend moonstone, and of course, babydoll.

Have a lekker weekend!

Breaking news

With the Pistorius clan now embroiled in a dispute regarding their guns, I thought an article on responsible gun use would be in order…

Woman thwarts Grizzly Bear attack with .25 caliber pistol

A young woman showed remarkable self-control and superior marksmanship under intense pressure facing an attack by a fierce predator…

In this exclusive interview, the woman shares her story:

“While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend John, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive and was after us. If I had not had my little .25 Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!”

Elaborating on the daring escape she continued: "Just one shot to John's knee cap was all it took. It was quite an ordeal and I am just happy to be unharmed."

Smiling shyly she concluded: "I don't think I'll be hiking in the wilderness again any time soon."

Burger anyone?

I don’t understand people. For years they’ve been saying “I’m so hungry I can eat a horse”. Now everyone’s complaining!

This whole horse meat thing is getting out of hand....I just heard that buffalo wings contain chicken!!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Durban July.

With all the meat related revelations of the past week, I'm waiting in anticipation to hear the truth about Monkey Gland sauce.

And I am also wonderıng what about Black cat peanut butter.

Not to mention Mrs. Balls Chutney.

Food labels will no longer use "kilojoule content" to describe the energy value, it will now be referred to as "horse power".

To all the ladies waiting for their knight in shining armor, get on with your life, the horse was eaten a long time ago.

Horse meat found in burgers! What are the odds on that?

Burger company investigates reported traces of zebra on their barcodes.

Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted!

Burger King are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

Horsemeat has real flavour – makes a great spaghetti bolo-neighs.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'

Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of these burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

To beef, or not to beef? That is the equestrian.

People should stop eating horse and donkey meat. With the 81c increase in fuel prices we’re gonna have to start riding them soon!

Shipwrecked Islanders

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 South African men and 1 South African woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two South African men are contemplating suicide because the South African woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Welcome back Paddy!!

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell over when he saw him – Murphy had never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Covet thy neighbour’s wife ' I remembered where I left me hat."

Pick of the Week

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

It's (a Pontifical) Friday!

Ola all,

I should rather say Ciao a tutti, quello che una settimana folle che stiamo avendo, because it’s really been a Pontifical post-Valentino bombshell of a week!!

Firstly, I’m not a big fan of the rogue little angel flying around, in his nappy, with a loaded bow and arrow taking pot shots at innocent souls better left to their own, lonely devices…. I’m not even a little fan. However, my personal view of this specific economy inducing Hallmark day is exactly that – mine – and you probably enjoyed it thoroughly.

And only you will know what you got up to this St Valentines eve newly past, but if you are Roman you were probably sobbing your eyes out. And who could blame you?

Gli Azzuri got their light blue arses handed to them – by the Scots. That’s gotta hurt – ask King Edward II.

His Holiness Pope Benedict (fondly known as “Eggs” by his closest buddies but no relation to Humpty Dumpty) resigned – the first Pontiff to do so since 1415. And I’m pretty darn sure that some poor Roman blighter got hit by one of those stray arrows previously mentioned. In fact, things have gone so badly for the Romans this week that I would risk a wager backing Bafana-Bafana to beat Italy in a soccer match should we manage to arrange the fixture before the week is out!

Bafana what?!

Bafana-Bafana. Arguably (or maybe not) one of the world’s worst soccer teams – and our nation’s pride!

Going into the recent Africa Cup of Nations tournament, I must admit I supported the boys like someone searching for landmines by tapping the ground with a tentative toe: eyes shut, hands sweaty, cheeks puffing half-heartedly through my Vuvuzela, other cheeks clenched tight…

But by Dingaan, they showed guts and grit, and even a level of skill, which I haven’t seen from them for yonks! You made us proud guys – way beyond expectations. Well done Gordon and the boys!!

And today is the start of the Super Rugby Season!

The gurus of SANZAR (and their media conglomerate buddies) decided that Super14 was for poofs and added the Southern Kings, amongst others, to the mix. The Super15 therefore runs till just before Christmas…

Southern who’s?

Kings – Southern Kings. SARU’s direct intervention in uplifting previously disadvantaged rugby players from the Eastern Cape into the international arena. I agree wholeheartedly with the idea, a necessary and groundbreaking initiative, but I’m afraid they may be on their way to a couple of hidings in the following months. What DID strike me while watching their match against the MTN Lions (whom they replace in the Super Series and who put more than 40 points past them in the match…) was the lack of local players… for whom this project was established. It seems odd. And when you hear that the whole process is managed, driven, nay near monopolised, by none other than SARU friend and Eastern Cape confidant Cheeky Watson – father of our own Puke “he’s-just-not-good-enough” Watson – the lack of local players raises a bit of a question mark over the whole things – for me. But again, that’s just me.

Enough about rugby – we’re gonna get waaay to much of it over the coming months anyway.

Let’s talk about Pope Benedict. Only the 9th Pontiff EVER to resign… Can you imagine the atmosphere when he told his boss? (and here we were all wondering why the weather was so topsy-turvy…)

There is much speculation about the reasons behind the Pontiff’s decision – medically or otherwise. However, I have it on good authority that, indeed, he was struggling a lot with wind.

Anyhoo……

Things are going swimmingly. Which is good for Olympic swimmers – not so good for people whose middle name is “swims-like-stone” a.k.a. Bladerunner... a.k.a. Oscar Pistorius...

I just through that in there... use it, don't use it...

Today we look at grandparents babysitting, faceless wives, a couple of shorts, Tony & Yvonne are installing a PC, and my Pick of the Week.

Thanks to Angel Lady, Staminos, babydoll, and the entire Scottish Rugby Team!

Hope you all have a grand weekend!

Kids and their grandparents

A couple of gems I picked up while the oldies were here looking after the kung-fu-kids…:

Weeman: “Oupa, how old are you?”

Grandad: “72”

Weeman: (stunned) “Did you start at 1?”

Grandma is not too sure how well Peanut knows her colours, so she decided to test her. Grandma would point out something and ask what colour it was. Peanut would answer and was always correct. It seemed like fun to Ouma so she continued. Eventually Peanut headed for the door, saying, "Ouma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours by yourself!"

The summer evenings were beautiful, so we kept windows and doors open most every night while trying to keep the lights off as much as possible so not to attract too many pesky bugs. One night a firefly ventured into the house. Noticing it the wee man whispered, "It's no use Oupa, the mosquitoes have flashlights."

Weeman: “Oupa, how old are you?”

Grandpa: “I’m not sure.”

Weeman: “Check your underpants Oupa.”

Grandpa: “What? Why?”

Weeman: “So you know how old you are – mine says 4 to 5.”

Grandparents picked up the kids from school and met their teachers.

Teacher (to Weeman): “Where do your grandparents live?”

Weeman: “Oh, they live at the airport, and when we want them, we just go get them. And when they’re done with their visit we take them back."

Faceless wives…

 

Shorts

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, 'Audi!'

My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.’

I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.

Tony & Yvonne

 

Tony and Yvonne eventually set up that PC their kids got them for Christmas. Yvonne reads the instruction manual while Tony connects everything as best he can. It is a frustrating business and tempers are frayed. Once completed, they sit together in front of the screen, following the prompts to complete the set up.

When asked to enter a password Yvonne tells Tony to select a password that he'll always remember.

Tony looks at Yvonne and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, selects a word: penis

Tony chuckles.

Yvonne’s face is unchanged.

Tony hits "enter" to validate the selection.

Tony chuckles

Yvonne looks at the screen and says, “Look, the thing knows you.”

Tony leans forward, his face almost against the screen to read the computer’s reply…

“TOO SHORT”

Pick of the Week

History has a tendency to repeat itself – we know this to be true (although I must admit I was MOST surprised when ‘80’s fashion managed that!!). And we will do well to learn from what history tries to teach us:

Year 1981 A.D.

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .

3. Australia lost the Ashes.

4. The Pope died.

Year 2005 A.D.

1. Prince Charles got married.

2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .

3. Australia lost the Ashes.

4. The Pope died.

What history teaches us:

The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope!

And why he really resigned…

(It’s either this, or the rumours coming from Buckingham Palace are true…)

 

It's (pre) Friday!

Ola all,

Yes, this is yet again a pre-Friday edition as it is Wednesday Thursday as I type. However, this may be none of your concern as it might indeed be Friday as you read. The situation could therefore be slightly confusing.

Should you however have happened upon this blog not knowing who the heck is what, and have no actual concern about the day, OR (like me) you are totally confused most days about what day of the week it actually is (and therefore this scribble isn’t helping any), like everyone else you’re kinda befuddled. In short, if you know today what day will be tomorrow while remembering that yesterday was actually the today when written about on Wednesday Thursday, you’re doing well.

Alternatively, you don’t care and read on regardless.

So things have been a tad out of control so far and it’s not getting any better. The previous editions (that actually made it onto the blog) were miracles in themselves – and not of the good sort or standard. More of the kind that scrapes through when every action hero and Indiana Jones wannabe already went “Oops, too late!”

So, by Jupiter, I decided to try the pre-Friday route. However, even that is starting to go pear-shaped – seems every man and his dog (Cocker Spaniel) needs something done – urgently! On top of that I was almost murdered by Woolworth – twice! Nono, not IN Woolworths, BY Woolworths!!

You see, parking in this little hamlet of mine is always an issue – more so over holidays. With the BIG corporates moving in, “developing” parking space into shopping centres and shutting us off with huge booms and money sucker boxes, we’re left little choice than to shift our vehicles hour by hour, parking lot to parking lot, covertly, or use the bus. No buses in this little hamlet though. (and apparently I don’t really have to move the car so often – according to my colleagues I can leave my car in one spot. In the sun. All day… WTFluff??!!)

Anyhoo, back to the murdering. You see, this morning arriving at work and unable to find a shady spot for the car, I was forced to park in the most prime and shady free parking spot in front of Woolworths – beautiful! When I eventually returned there – many hours later – I wanted to buy cake for the kids (as you do when stealing parking and feeling guilty about it). So I bought cupcakes. And two shirts.

However, when trying on a shirt in the fitting room, the sleeves immediately wrapped my arms into a contortionist grip, the back rolled up and fused my shoulders to my ears, while the collar went for the jugular rendering me immobile and partly suffocated. Twisting every way and back didn’t help either – only exhausted me more. I felt like Houdini in a straitjacket. Well no, that would imply I had the ability to get out… I wasn’t going anywhere! And I was slowly losing consciousness. When things started going dark – through brute strength and desperate determination – I managed to undo some buttons on the shirt – with my teeth. OK, so at least now I could breath, but my arms were still wrapped tightly around my head, turning numb and losing all ability. I’ll spare you the details: suffice to say, if anyone were to record what went on in that cubicle I would most definitely have made a star appearance on YouTube’s Most Talented Breakdance charts.

Upon dragging myself from the cubicle, arms dangling helplessly at my sides, face red from exertion (and chafing) I grabbed the bag of cupcakes… well, kinda limply pawed at it with a helpless, lifeless limb until one fell out. I needed the sugar. With a flick of the tongue I had the cup off and cake in my mouth...

And in waltzes murder-with-vicious-intent-attempt #2: who in their right mind would place a second paper cup on a cup-cake?! Who in any mind??!!

Again, gonna spare you the detail, but when I eventually came to – with a sudden jolt in the midriff, in the steely grip of a gargantuan boere-tannie with tree-stump arms wrapped around me, my feet dangling inches above the floor, and a shop assistant 5 meters away with a soggy paper-cup on his face – I knew I had outstayed my parking. These corporates are mean!

Fortunately I’m married to judogirl and this is an almost everyday occurrence – a lesser mortal would probably never have made it out of there alive (or intact)!

So it’s been life as usual.

Thank you for the contributions received. It’s quite a cosmopolitan mix today: Australian Spin (no, not Shane Warn – political spin), dating in Africa, money from Japan, faceless sex everywhere, and a blonde orders a beer in Brakpan.

I have also included a set of very effective neck exercises as my pick of the week, very generously supplied by the Lawman. Thanks also to friend moonstone, babydoll and Staminos.

Have a grand weekend!

Politics, Aussie style

Doesn’t matter whatever industry you’re in, there are always the odd little bunch who are hard at work trying to give the rest a bad name. But then I think of politicians and realise that we really have a long way to go before we join their ranks. And what they are best at is the spin they place on events. The following story explains it better than I can:

Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in South East Queensland (Australia), was doing some work on her own family tree. She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Jail.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

“Remus Rudd: horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.”

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing, collapsed."

(now THAT's spin even Warnie would be proud of... when he’s not swearing at other players… or having another face-lift… Go AUS!!)

Dating in Africa

Two veld mice (a field mouse by any other name, but this is Africa after all) are snacking on a lost and lonely packet of cheese-puffs while chatting about their boyfriends.

The one veld mouse takes out a picture of her boyfriend and shows it to her friend.

“Ooh, he’s a sexy wee devil, isn’t he? Look at those dark stripes over his broad shoulders… wow, very handsome!” her friend says.

"Thanks. And he’s a real gentleman too. But show me what yours looks like then,” says the first veld mouse.

Her friend mouse takes a picture of her boyfriend from her little mouse handbag.

The veld mouse takes one look at the picture and exclaims “But that’s a bat, for goodness sakes!”

Shocked, her friend grabs the photo, looks at it, and hisses “That lowlife! And all this time he’s been telling me he’s a pilot!”

Faceless sex…

Shorts (you may want to have a beer or two before reading these…)

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, it’s for the custard.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I visited the offices of the SPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on and on…

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I phoned the local builders today, and asked, 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I won’t stop you!'

Now let’s exercise…

The following exercise regime was developed after years of research. The studies proved increased neck mobility and range of motion particularly in men (age group 12-97). Some candidates suffered severe muscle stiffness after participating in the study for the first time, although the fatality ratio was low (and it is believed the candidate involved actually had a neck fusion BEFORE participating in the study). Therefore, take care when considering to participate in strenuous exercise if you haven’t consulted with your medical practitioner first.

Repeat this easy-to-follow exercise regime as often as you like, and you too, could soon look like yourself… with a better, healthier neck!

The actual exercise chart follows as my Pick of the Week – enjoy!

Global finance

In my continued effort to educate on the ever changing state of current global financial affairs, the following best describes the concept of Forex Fluctuations…

I was at my bank today.

There was a short line: only one lady in front of me – an Asian lady – who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars.

It was obvious that there was a slight communication gap between client and teller and a lot seemed to be “lost in translation”.

The lady was a tad more than just a little irritated as the communication gap started to get to her. With hands going everywhere, much like an Italian man’s, she asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today you only gimmi hunat eighty dolla? What wong - why it change?"

The teller, having reached the end of his explanatory ability, and at total loss for words, shrugged his shoulders and in his best bank employee manner said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady stared at him, through her hands in the air, and shot back, "Fluc you Europeans too!” and stormed out.

Beers, Blondes & Boobs (and not necessarily in that order…)

A blonde walks into a bar, sits on a highchair and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and beer splashes all over them.

The bartender shakes his head, goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

A guy two chairs down looks on incredulously.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer, this happens.

So after the third beer, the guy is more than anxious to help the bartender out.

As the next mug of beer hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...

Without blinking she decks him!

He lies on the floor moaning, feeling his bruised jaw, “Jeez lady... what’s wrong? You let the bartender do it?”

“Duh,” says the blonde. “He’s gotta licker license…!”

Pic of the Week

Neck Exercises 101

Follow me on twitter @waynnesworld for regular updates and random thoughts

It's (a manic) Friday!

Ola all,

It’s a manic Friday – very apt, because it’s been a very manic week: lots has happened over the past 7 days but a lot more is yet to happen before the day is over...

The nanny search is a difficult task – gut wrenching and heart breaking. When looking for an employee you look for skills and qualities that can fulfil a certain requirement. When looking for someone to look after your entire world – the kung-fu-kids in this instance – the task is heaped with emotion, fear, trust… and lots of chicken Viennas.

And in South Africa the task becomes even harder: there are literally millions of people desperate for any job. You may think this is a global situation – yes, it is – but there are very few economies that need to sustain an unemployment rate of (well over) 25%.

And when it stares you in the face… when I look at the desperation in the eyes of the people whom I interview, I cannot help but shed tears for them, and their children, and my country.

Fortunately though, this little growing democracy of the people for the people in my neck of the woods has cadres of peoples (or poepols, whatever suits best) that are hard at work making promises and exploiting their own. These same peoples (of the peoples) recently got together for their much advertised and debated conference somewhere near a fountain of flowers. They arrived there by truly South African public transport… commonly known here as the Gravy Train. Recorded in the car park at the conference was:

106 BMW X5's

211 BMW series 5 & 7

28 RANGE ROVER SPORTS

11 MASERATI's

103 MERCEDES BENZ

6 HUMMERS

9 FERRARI's.

etc

That was outside. Inside, our public servants, one and all, were hard at work:

Thanks guys – we appreciate the sacrifice!

Madiba, my dear Madiba, how different a place this land would be had you been given to us 20 years earlier.

However, this is not tickling anybody’s short ribs so I shoot the violinist (in a literary sense, of course) and present this week’s contributions. Thanks to babydoll, Insta’Gran, the Abmeister (1st timer), Staminos, and friend moonstone.

I really DO appreciate your efforts in supplying this content.

This week it’s about golf – Granddad is here and I’ve managed my annual quota in the first three weeks of the year, but I’m not complaining – buying milk, and Little Larry. We’re visited by an apparition and my Pick of the Week is an oldie, but an absolute classic.

Have a great weekend!

Perfect logic…

A wife asks her husband: “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6?"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados.”

(judogirl will NEVER get this one...)

and more perfect logic

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke:

"Tim darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."

Tim looked horrified.

"What's wrong, darling?" she asked seeing his reaction. 

"Phew, for a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife." Tim replied.

"Ex wife !" she gasped, "you didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

"I haven't!" he replied

Faceless Golf

Scottish surgery

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to obtain blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & a large sum of US dollars.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through an emergency corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "What’s become of the generosity, my fine Arab friend?”

The Arab replied: "Och laddie, just remember I have all this Scottish blood in ma veins."

Little Larry (incognito)

Pick of the Week

The Ambidextrous golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One of them transferred to another city and the weekly game was just never the same. One Saturday morning a new woman who joined their club overheard the guys talking about their golf round.

She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this would be fine, but that she may be fifteen minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30. But I could be 15 minutes late…"

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "You’re so good at this game, but how do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married, I started a little habit: my husband always sleeps in the nude, so right before I leave in the morning for golf I pull the covers off him. If his “Jetson” lies to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

"Then I'm fifteen minutes late," she said.

It's (a first) Friday!

Ola all,

It’s well into 2013 already and I’ve been resting my laurels… if I had been Caesar (Julius, that is) I’d probably have rested ON them, but I’m not, so I didn’t – you get it.

It’s not that I was lazy or anything, but while most of you were enjoying your end-of-year-Christmassy-New-Year’s-summer-holiday-break-thingy, or getting married, I had to put on my baggies, t-shirt and flip-flops EVERY day to go to work.

And even if I DID report on any work-related shenanigans, you wouldn’t have cared because you were on your end-of-year-Christmassy-New-Year’s-summer-holiday-break-thingy, or getting married. And it seems that every second holiday-taker decided to take said holiday in my little, sleepy, seaside village: traffic was horrendous, increasing ten-fold, making my daily commute an arduous journey taking three times longer than usual! And who – I ask you with tears in my navy blues – in this time and age has 10 minutes to spend in traffic? So I took the bicycle – front door to office: 4 minutes flat!

Eish, Africa is a tough country!

However, from the slow trickle of communications that are starting to rustle through the cobwebs and traffic jams of the cyber network to my collective inbox, I have to assume that some of you are also now back in your baggies, t’s and flip-flops contributing towards the stagnant economy. Welcome back – we missed you! Hope you have a very grand year!!

So far, it’s been quite an eventful year for the clan:

Mother-in-law and her coven left just before Christmas and the kung-fu-kids’ nanny had her holiday booked. She decided to take a break to Malawi – the nanny, not the Mother-in-Law – and left us with the little terrorists for a while. The wee man turned 4 and is adamant he wants his first Mercedes by age 5. And so, having to work (while everyone else wasn’t) we needed volunteers to play nanny to the kids.

And as no-one did, the grandparents were commandeered.

Flights were purchased and unceremoniously the airline went bust. So more flights were purchased with an alternate airline (and all held thumbs) and eventually the oldies arrived not quite knowing what they had let us get them into…

We celebrated our house-fire – 5 years of being thankful for everything we are blessed with – and the nanny indicated she was pregnant and possibly not returning. Grandparents were drafted, school started (Peanut’s first days – eish!), and I drove a Landrover over some of the roughest terrain and obstacles I have ever encountered – an advanced 4x4 course to some, a mere highway in our Northern Province to others. Go JuJu!!

So it’s been fun and games, beautifully hot and summery. Here.

It might not have been the same where you were. Ag shame (and of course I mean that in the nicest possible way… with a slight snigger…sincerely)!

The contributions have been kinda sparce – due to the above, I’m sure. However, I hope to bring you this weekly drivel throughout 2013 so I can continue to bore you with trivia and the very many new characters that enrich our lives on a daily basis.

Today there are a few giggles PLUS I endeavour to further educate on the ongoing global economic situation to which we all contribute so diligently. There’s something on cellphones, Dirty Dancing, a visit to the doctor, and my Pick of the Week. Thank you to babydoll, Sharkbait and friend moonstone.

Have a grand weekend!

Hello, Vodacom…

After a really tiring day, a young lady commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes, trying to recharge and while away the day’s stress as best she could. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric - I'm on the train….

Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting…….

No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office - with the boss….

Of course not…….

No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life…. Yes, I'm sure…. Cross my heart!"

Our young lady friend tried to shut herself off from the conversation, but Eric kept it up. Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, annoying everyone around him when the young woman had had enough.

She leaned over and in a begging voice said into the phone, "Eric, turn off that phone and come back to bed."

(Eric is looking for a new girlfriend and doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.)

You should be dancing…yeah!

A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

Husband: “Looks like he's still celebrating.”

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

A doctor is attending to a lady patient.

“Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all looking fine,” he says. “Now please let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

He turns to his desk, puts down his charts, his pen, and picks up his stethoscope that has just dropped to the floor. When he turns back to his patient, she has stripped down completely and is sitting “strategically positioned” on the examination table.

“No, no, NO, miss! Please put back your clothes... just show me your tongue!”

Economy 101 (in the 21st Century)

An understandable explanation of the Fiscal Cliff – not so much funny as hilarious fact:

Lesson #1:

US tax revenue:           $2,170,000,000,000

Federal budget:           $3,820,000,000,000

New debt:                  $1,650,000,000,000

National debt:             $14,271,000,000,000

Recent budget cuts:     $38,500,000,000

Let’s now remove eight zeros and pretend it is a household budget:

Annual family income:              $21,700

Money the family spent:           $38,200

New debt on the credit card:   $16,500

Outstanding credit card balance: $142,710

Total household budget cut:     $385

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Lesson #2

Here’s how to look at the Debt Ceiling

Let’s say you’ve come home from work and you find there has been a sewer back-up in your neighbourhood. And you know this because your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do?

a) Raise the ceilings

b) Remove the sh*t

Makes you wonder, I hope...

Pick of the Week

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own! After settling in, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled nervously at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears?!?!? Look at these breasts – they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.”