It's Friday! (Aug3112)

Ola all,

Eish, it's almost Spring and I’m typing as fast as I can because this week’s edition is almost late – and what would your weekend be without a couple of new jokes to share with your friends/family/pet hamster around an open fire?

Yes, an open fire because it’s fairly wintry here… but knowing where this email gets too, it’s pretty wintry where you are too – even you Scots, because it’s kinda ALWAYS wintry where you are (some bloke bet me I couldn’t fit in a word like “wintry” three times in one sentence, but technically I nailed it 4 times because the full stop is only coming up…. now). ←There it is!

You might think that intro a tad odd. However, I am a tad knackered: judogirl and I have two sick kids and an allergic dog. This means they colonise our bed and I am exiled to every other bed in the house. The nanny is nervous......

No, she doesn't stay in our house, but she is convinced we are having marital problems. And now I can’t even sleep in the guest bedroom… well, technically I could, but it would be awkward… my mother-in-law is staying with us… and that would just be weird!

If it was only the flu I could probably handle it, but the wee man wakes up in the middle of the night (in the middle of MY bed) and starts wailing. For no obvious reason. And because I don’t have the ability, at 02:30 in the morning, to put it to him in plain toddler language that normal working class men who sleep on the couch every night needs their sleep, he gets upset and howls at the moon.

You giggle – that can only mean ONE thing: you’ve never met the young man. Do yourself a favour – meet the Glacier.

Fortunately I received some excellent advice from someone at work, utilising some very effective parenting techniques and have posted it for your benefit….

Apart from parenting advice, I have also taken it upon myself to return balance to the Universe: recently I twit…. I tweet…. I wrote about Mitt Romney’s Olympic feat (you gotta admit, he just made it o-so-easy), so this week some inside info from the other side of the political spectrum. The shorts are actually pearls of wisdom and the Irish are painting nudes. There’s something about matrimonial finances (so to speak) and my Pick of the Week.

Enjoy!

Behind every great man…

One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you?”

She replied that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant?”

To which Michelle responded, "No Dear, if I had married him, he would now be President!"

Paddy the Painter

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the “au naturel”.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euros.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says 'tis okay. I'll paint ya in da au naturel alright, but can I at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes?"


Father & Son
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney."


Tough Love vs Spanking

Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPad, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

Apparently this technique also works well with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

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“Use it – don’t use it” Shorts

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman - neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation - the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Pick of the Week:

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. I love the game and recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read. This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my many years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

• A Kate Winslett:      a bit flat but otherwise perfect

• A Kate Moss:          bit thin

• A Gerry Adams:      playing a Provisional

• An O.J. Simpson:    got away with it

• A sister-in-law:        up there but I know that I shouldn't be

• A Paris Hilton:         an expensive hole

• A Diego Maradona:  a very nasty 5 footer

• A Salman Rushdie:   an impossible read

• A Rock Hudson:      thought it was straight, but it wasn't

• A Cuban:                 needs one more revolution

• An Elton John:         a big bender that lips the rim

• A Yasser Arafat:      in the sand and ugly

• An Adolf Hitler:       two shots in the bunker

It's Friday! (Aug2412)

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday and Peanut (a.k.a. Stella) turned 2 this week… which technically means that judogirl and I have now officially exited the baby phase of our life. Please take a quick cursory glance around you and touch ANYTHING made of wood – NOW!!!

Phew, thanks.

OK, so Stella turned two and curiosity seems to have doubled. She already knows more about judogirl’s ipad than judogirl does, and now also cooks her own chicken viennas in the microwave oven… I can but hope that the wee man assists or we may have another little house fire issue to explain…

This week therefore it is all about curiosity and Curiosity, a couple of shorts from the recent Edinburgh Festival, and something about old age (and beyond). The Irish come as standard.

Pic of the Week is with compliments from my friend Sharkbait – thanks dude, keep ‘em coming!

My mother-in-law is visiting this week…

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve. They had children, and so was all mankind made.'

Later, the little girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family. Your mother told you about hers.'

The shorts

I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics… just got Bronze.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

My mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.

Up the Irish

Superior Milk

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

" DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW."

Paddy visits New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians!'

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He did this several times but Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Another Miracle

An Irish priest is driving to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord, He's done it again!'

These could be my parents…

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 30 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Peg’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the den. He thinks to himself, 'I'm about 30 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 20 feet away and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For heaven’s sake Bert, for the FOURTH time: CHICKEN!'

A Cowboy's Tombstone

Here are the 5 Rules for men to follow for a happy life… Russell J. Larsen had these inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women should never meet, or you could end up dead like me.

Pick of the Week

This week’s Pic of the Week is a radical change to my normal postings in this section. It’s not really funny, but 4 spectacular images of Mars captured by NASA’s robot Curiosity. I can however tell you that these early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn. This makes it very clear that, indeed, men are NOT from Mars!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's Friday! (Aug1712)

Ola all,

Yes it’s Friday, although to me it kinda feels like a Wednesday, but in a good way. I was the lucky winner of a 3-day working week this week! Yip, I turned 40 and judogirl took it upon herself to surprise me with quite a few surprises. You may know this about me: I hate surprises!

Surprisingly though, most of these surprises were very much like any other surprise judogirl manages to throw at me from time to time – very stressful! (if you think I’m trying to be funny, you’ve obviously never read “All is fair...”)

The one very spectacular surprise though was our first ever night away from the kids… phenomenal! First night I've slept through in years… seriously! There were some other surprises too, but I won’t bore you with the details….

Chatted to my long-time friend, Tin Roof (another story) the other day - seems he ALSO had a surprise: received a call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if he was still around. Apparently they lost track of time as they chatted about the wild, romantic times they used to enjoy together.

He couldn't believe it when she asked if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", he said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure he would "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah," he said "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging. My teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told him to stop being so silly. She teased him saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure he would still be a great lover.

“Anyway,” she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So of course he told her to get lost and smashed the phone down.

But enough about our surprises – this week it’s about current financial terminology (to assist in those times when spare cash is abundant and you feel the urge to give it to some blokes in suits…), there's a bit about polls and Poles, two cartoons, something about taking a shower (although Jacob Zuma doesn't feature) and my Pick of the Week.

Have a good weekend!

Of polls and surveys – we all love them…

A recent international survey turned into a miserable debacle as months of work and development was flushed down the tubes due to the developers’ ignorance toward various cultural factors:

The question posed was "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Financial Terms in the current economic Meltdown

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing

BROKER -- What my financial advisor made me

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

 

 

JZ’s favourite pastime…

How to shower like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner (enhanced formula).

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed – shoot socks across the room and leave clothes in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her while making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee while scratching your bum, again.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off, or drip dry.

Admire the size of your willy in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound.

Leave wet towel next to pile of clothes on floor. Or on bed – doesn’t matter.

And today’s Pick of the Week:

A Polish immigrant went to the OPTICIAN to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

“Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

It's (almost) Friday!

Ola all,

Not quite Friday just yet. It’s actually only a couple of minutes after midnight on a cold and wet Wednesday morning. Yes, I'm up. Kids woke up – as they tend to do more often than is required of them – and I am now the gold medal winner of an alertness spell that makes sleep a mere dream...

However, I may not be able to send you this on Friday (as I may not BE here on Friday), so the kids waking me up in the middle of the night is actually your good fortune, or this edition may never have seen the light of (Fri)day!

In celebration of another truly South African pastime – wonderful and wacky ways to come up with national holidays – I bring you the National Woman’s Day It’s Friday! Edition… on a Wednesday.

And wouldn’t it be fitting if our own Caster Semenya could bring South Africa another Olympic Gold Medal right before Women’s Day? She’s running in the 800m and I don’t want to hear any lame jokes about it – that girl has worked her balls off to get where she is today!

So to all women out there, big and small, near or far, related or not - we love you ALL!! We don't understand you - we never could - but we love you nevertheless! *

This edition is for you – women everywhere – it just wouldn’t be right anyway else:

Marital Bliss

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Emergency

The husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room: "Please come fast! I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!"

Manager: "Sir that's a personal matter.”

Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That’s a maintenance matter!"

Of hobbies and pastimes

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on decoys for duck hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Guts and Balls

This may have been around for a while, but a lot of us guys tend to forget the distinction between the two concepts:

GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife holding a broom, looking her over and asking: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?”

BALLS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt saying: “You're next, Chubby!”

(the distinction might be fuzzy, but there is absolutely no confusion about the exact outcome…)

Woman's revenge

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the lady wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

Understanding women

We know that’s impossible because we’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?!'

Creation

A (very brave) man said to his wife one day, “I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

“Allow me to explain,” the wife responded. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

(oh, judogirl’s so gonna use that one…!)

Who does what
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'What?! I don't believe that. Show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages...

And indeed it says: ‘HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed...

It read: 'It's 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Manly tasks

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies!" he responded.

"Oh... killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

"How can you tell them apart?" she enquired, intrigued.

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded.

* Please read my personal contribution to women everywhere (and to every man who has any sense):  “The Venus thing”

And my Pic of the Week…

Thanks to babydoll and Pastor Bob for this - you both submitted the same contribution!! However, in the spirit of things, we’re gonna give this one to babydoll – because it’s Women’s Day an’ all that jazz... and she's much prettier!!

It's Friday! (Aug0312)

Ola all,

Jeepers, August already and the sport keeps getting better and better. Not only did the Sharks make it – almost miraculously – to the Super Rugby Final, but already South Africa has 3 Gold medals at the Olympics – one of them nogal for rowing!! Go Team RSA!!

Oh, unfortunately the Sharks victory on Saturday caused a bit of a housing crises in Cape Town as 2 million Stormers supporters suddenly came back to earth. We’re all behind the boys in Black & White though – it might be a hurdle too far, but they’ve pulled three rabbits out of a hat thus far, so I’m not giving up just yet. Go Sharks!!

Had a bit of a hair raising episode this week... actually there was a lot of hair going around… which would of course exclude me from any involvement in this particular incident… you’d think.

Judogirl wasn’t at the Olympics because she had to have her hair done. However, as she fears a hairdresser more than a drunk dentist, she dragged the wee ones along for moral support, distraction, and sommer to get their hair clipped too. Of course I saw this as an ideal opportunity to pull my usual “hair dresser stunt”… (it’s not that I have NO hair, but whenever I walk into a barber shop and ask for a haircut, it does cause a bit of confusion) *

So I walked into the hairdresser’s and said very calmly: “I need a haircut please.” (sniggering inside – you’re so funny waynnesworld)

When next I blinked I had a vague recollection of a swivel chair, a scissors and comb - zip-snip, zip-snip...

“That’ll be a R100, thank you very much!”

I looked 10 years younger and the world seemed less hazy.... she'd trimmed my eyebrows perfectly!!

Dunno why everybody was rolling on the floor laughing – it wasn’t THAT funny.

* If that didn’t make any sense, please read more about my particular theorem on hair migration at “There’s always something”

Anyhoo, this week it’s about living in South Africa, the customary Scots (and a few other blokes), and a piece involving Eistein – thanks for that Pastor Bob. Any other week and it would’ve been my pick!!

My pick of the week – courtesy of friend moonstone.

Please keep ‘em coming, and have a splendid weekend!

South Africa

I was going on holiday but was concerned about being away from my house for a fortnight, knowing I might be coming back to an empty shell. When I mentioned this to friend of mine he laughed.

“I don’t worry about stuff like that anymore. I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.”

I was astonished, “Why did you do that?”

“Ag, I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, a "God loves the AWB" sticker on my car and my sound system plays "De la Rey, De La Rey" at full blast. The local police, the Department of Home Affairs and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer!”

Just another day in SA

A man with a gun went into a bank in Cape Town and demanded money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to two people standing together right next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man replied, “No mister, I didn’t see a thing – but my mother-in-law here did!”

Of Scots (and a few other blokes…)

A Scotsman, an Irishman, a Lithuanian, 2 South Africans, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Englishman, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Nigerian, and 2 Welshman…

walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the Maitre D’ after scrutinizing the group, “but you can't come in here without a Thai."

Brain vs Bean

Einstein and Mr Bean are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

Einstein says, "Let's play a game.”

Mr Bean looks around perturbed as only Mr Bean can.

Einstein continues, “We ask each other questions. If you don't know the answer, you pay me R50. If I don't know the answer, I’ll pay you R500."

Mr Bean's face goes "huhHH?"

So Einstein asks the first question: "What is the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

Mr Bean doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket and pulls out R50.

He then asks Einstein: "What goes up a hill with 3 legs… and comes down on 4?"

Einstein thinks about this for a while, scratching his hair. He scribbles various formulas and theorems, then searches the net and asks all his smart friends. After an hour he takes out his wallet and gives Mr Bean R500.

After a silent moment Einstein, going nuts asks: "Well, what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?”

Mr Bean thinks for a while, then reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein R50.

And my Pick of the Week:

A group of Grade 3, 4 and 5 pupils, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the Greyville Racecourse to learn about thoroughbred race horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 5?'

'No', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'