March 08, 2013

It's Friday! (yet again)

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday, 3 weeks later, and I am humbled and privileged to quote my dear Sunday school friend, the right honorable, His Holiness Pope “Eggs” Benedict, immediately after his latest (and last) public appearance as the Head (neck and shoulders) of the Roman Catholic Church: “Good God, I’m glad this week is over!”

His Holiness quoted another famous icon of our time, Obelix the Gaul, when he walked out onto the Vatican verandah overlooking St Peter’s Square, seeing the throngs of people who had come to see him…: “These Romans are crazy!”

Of course he said this in Latin so most people thought it very profound…

If I had a choice I would have preferred quoting Robinson Crusoe: “I always have all my work done by Friday!”

The world is full of them – quotes (and Fridays) – not Romans (well, not so much nowadays)! Some quotes are famous, others not so much. For some or other bizarre reason I suddenly find a couple of very interesting ones forcing their way into my (slightly befuddled) mind. And because you are forced to read this they are (less than insidiously) forcing their way into your mind too. Beauts like:

“Where the #%@& are we?”    (Amelia Earhart)

“Now let’s not lose our heads here!”    (Mari-Antoinette)

“Yes, I CAN!!!”    (Wile E Coyote)

“It’s all downhill from here!”    (Edmund Hillary)

“Another day, another $7,000,000!”    (Sir William “Bill” of Gates)

“Huuhh….?!”    (Scooby Doo)

“When next I consider marriage, I’ll just find a woman I hate and buy her a house.”    (Rod Stewart)

“Only 100% pure beef* in our burgers!”  (His Royal Highness the Burger King)

“It wasn’t me.”    (judogirl, wee man, peanut, and the dog)

“And so on and so forth…” (that’s not a quote, just me trying to get back to my writing).

By Jupiter, I don’t know what it is about this year – I seem to run out of days every week. I hardly have time for this dribble (as you may have noticed).
“Ya finally grew up?” (that there was a quote again – the Human Waterski from Scotland thinking I had stopped writing). Now THAT would be an absolute tragedy!!!

While I didn't manage to update the blog, another tragedy occurred on our doorstep, traversed the globe in a media frenzy (social and otherwise) and left the beautiful Reeva Steenkamp dead and our own Oscar Pistorius, a.k.a. Bladerunner, fighting for what is left of his shattered world.

Whatever the facts, whatever the outcome – everybody involved lost.

The worst thing about this whole Oscar Pistorius business is the way in which people make light of it – it’s absolutely prosthetic… agh, I mean pathetic!

Apparently they held an Oscar evening somewhere in Hollywood, but I don’t know whether it went ahead or was cancelled – Oscar’s bail conditions didn’t allow him outside Pretoria…


Everybody wondered how the news broke of the horse meat in burgers – well wonder no more: it was ME! I had to go to hospital after eating a horse burger. Don’t worry, I'm in a stable condition now. I have to admit: it did give me the trots!

And finally we can end off the week in the company of Burger Kings, hungry bears, a group of shipwrecked islanders and the Irish!! Pick of the Week goes to Farmer John of Aus and the smartest kid in the world!

Thanks also to Sharkbait, friend moonstone, and of course, babydoll.

Have a lekker weekend!

Breaking news
With the Pistorius clan now embroiled in a dispute regarding their guns, I thought an article on responsible gun use would be in order…

Woman thwarts Grizzly Bear attack with .25 caliber pistol

A young woman showed remarkable self-control and superior marksmanship under intense pressure facing an attack by a fierce predator…
In this exclusive interview, the woman shares her story:
“While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend John, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive and was after us. If I had not had my little .25 Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!”
Elaborating on the daring escape she continued: "Just one shot to John's knee cap was all it took. It was quite an ordeal and I am just happy to be unharmed."
Smiling shyly she concluded: "I don't think I'll be hiking in the wilderness again any time soon."

Burger anyone?
I don’t understand people. For years they’ve been saying “I’m so hungry I can eat a horse”. Now everyone’s complaining!

This whole horse meat thing is getting out of hand....I just heard that buffalo wings contain chicken!!

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Durban July.

With all the meat related revelations of the past week, I'm waiting in anticipation to hear the truth about Monkey Gland sauce.
And I am also wonderıng what about Black cat peanut butter.
Not to mention Mrs. Balls Chutney.

Food labels will no longer use "kilojoule content" to describe the energy value, it will now be referred to as "horse power".

To all the ladies waiting for their knight in shining armor, get on with your life, the horse was eaten a long time ago.

Horse meat found in burgers! What are the odds on that?

Burger company investigates reported traces of zebra on their barcodes.

Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted!

Burger King are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

Horsemeat has real flavour – makes a great spaghetti bolo-neighs.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of these burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

To beef, or not to beef? That is the equestrian.

People should stop eating horse and donkey meat. With the 81c increase in fuel prices we’re gonna have to start riding them soon!

Shipwrecked Islanders
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 South African men and 1 South African woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two South African men are contemplating suicide because the South African woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Welcome back Paddy!!
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell over when he saw him – Murphy had never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Covet thy neighbour’s wife ' I remembered where I left me hat."

Pick of the Week
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks said to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'