July 27, 2012

It's Friday! (Jul2712)

Ola all,

Sorry this came out so late, but I was on the phone with the mother-in-law: she was very excited about a special offer she read about – seems the local Bargain Shoppe is having a SALE…

I have asked her to apply to Google Maps for a job, because if there’s a special offer ANYWHERE, she’ll find it!

Anyhoo, it’s been an absolutely spectacular sporting week for us South Africans (unless you’re a Barbie Bulls supporter): the Sharks played one of their best games of the season to beat the Reds in Brisbane to make it to the Super Semi-final. Ernie Els took the British Open 10 years after his previous Open victory at Muirfield (judogirl and I were very fortunate to walk the course with him that day, although the only thing judogirl can remember is that her bum froze off – girls, sjeesh!), and then the Proteas go crown it by walloping the English by an innings….. and 12 runs!! What a week.

And now the Olympics are in town (if you live in London)!

It’s going to be in the news for days and weeks to come, and in that spirit today’s edition contains other newsworthy articles from newspapers across the globe...

There’s the customary shorts, something about ugly babies, the Scots (of course), and the pick of the week from the Law Man (with reference to the Medicine Man).

Hope you enjoy!


In the news…
The Star (Johannesburg)
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere.
At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."


San Francisco Chronicle (and various other UK publications):
“Mitt Romney is perhaps the only politician who could start a trip that was supposed to be a charm offensive by being utterly devoid of charm and mildly offensive,” wrote the London Telegraph in a commentary.
Romney backers said the wave of negative press didn’t concern the campaign. “We’re not worried about overseas headlines.”
Romney intended to show voters at home that though he has little diplomatic experience, he could be a credible commander in chief. He volunteered to reporters that he had met with officials from MI6. His admission broke with the traditional British protocol of keeping meetings with the Secret Intelligence Service secret.


waynnesworld
US Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, visiting the UK on a carefully choreographed campaign to boost his foreign-policy credentials, turned on the charm by putting his foot in his mouth – a feat worthy of Olympic glory!


The Herald (Harare, Zimbabwe)
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers.
It was three days later when suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.



Shorts:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


''I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.''


Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.


I tried water polo, but my horse drowned.


Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.


I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Paternoster, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.



Just a wee bit…
Big Jimmy, an extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. *
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
Jimmy dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said Jimmy, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The farmer nodded and suggested Jimmy date one of the other girls; so Jimmy went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," Jimmy replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
So he did and the next morning Jimmy rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away and months later the bairn was born.
When Jimmy visited the nursery he was horrified: the bairn was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."


*I have a friend who had a similar quest – please read “Friends



My Pick of the Week:

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxe, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen, etc.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

July 20, 2012

It's Friday! (Jul2012)

Ola all,

What a night! One of those where the wind was howling big time – it blew the stripes right off my pet Zebra. I can now confirm: male Zebras are indeed black with white stripes!
(waynnesworld….. somewhat humorous, very informative!)

Today it’s about the Olympics, the power of prayer, the customary shorts, and a few childish remarks. I add these snippets because I shared one with the Wee man the other day…

To appreciate the full flavour of the moment, it would really help if you have followed some of the rugby over the past weeks, and even more so if you are familiar with the whiskey advert running alongside these various matches… the one with Dougal the fly-fisherman…

It’s Saturday evening. Dad (that’s me) is watching a particularly do-or-die game where the Wee man’s Sharks need a victory against some Blue cow okes playing in pink (yeah, rugby can be confusing). Dad is sitting in a nervous huddle on the couch, chewing his nails and clutching at scatter cushions, spilling beer every time a decision goes against us. Wee man is equally enthralled in the spectacle… well actually he’s playing with his cars on the carpet, blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding on the big screen above his head.
The game is on a knife’s edge… then suddenly, against the run of play, the Sharks – in a moment of pure brilliance – snuffs the ball from the Bulls, runs the park with ball going hand to hand, ending in a spectacular try – one of the best for the entire season!!!
I’m jumping up and down, shouting at the top of my voice, cheering, wolf-whistling, waving my arms… you get the picture: “Go Shaaaaarks!!”

Wee man looks up lazily from his cars, totally unexcited, sees the close-up of the try scorer’s grass smeared face, and in his flattest, dead-pan voice says: “Give that man a Bells.”

I know, I know, you had to be there, but I was, and it was one of those moments I will cherish for EVER!

Hope you have a good one!!


First Olympic jokes:
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A guy walks towards the Olympic village carrying a long pole in a bag over his shoulder.
A typical inquisitive Limey taps him on the shoulder and says:
“Excuse me, but are you a pole vaulter?”
“No, I am hactually a Russian, but ghow did dju know my name vas Walter?”
(judogirl will NEVER get this one – I’m not even going to try…)


And of course there is a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman who want to get in to watch the Games, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate: “MacGregor, Scotland, Discus" he says and walks in.
The Englishman picks up a length of thin pipe and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smith, England" he says, "Javelin" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."



Of prayer and faith:
In a recent church service in Bronkhorstspruit the other Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come to the front of the church."
With that, Dietmus got in line and when it was his turn the preacher asked, "Dietmus, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Dietmus replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Dietmus's ear, placed his other hand on top of Dietmus's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Dietmus how is your hearing now?"
Dietmus answered, "I don't know. My hearing is only next Thursday."



The shorts:
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

The other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite. There it is… one jar.

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions.''

The other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''



Kids – gotta love them:





















And my Pic(k) of the week:

July 13, 2012

It's Friday the 13th!

Ola all,

It’s Friday the 13th and all is well… unless you’re a Knight Templar.

You ever wonder where all these traditions come from? I was thinking about that right after I had bravely fought off a Polar Bear and seven rabid penguins on my way to the office this morning. This past December the wee man asked a lot of questions about Christmas: snow, Reindeer, big fat bloke with beard in red Speedo… kinda difficult to explain that to a 3 year old when he’s never seen snow, Reindeer, or a big fat bloke in a red Speedo (we count ourselves lucky)!

I did however know how the angel came to be at the top of the Christmas tree (Santa’s in my Sunday school and he told me):
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. However, all was not well at the North Pole. About a third of the elves were affected by a viral strain of stomach bug and production was behind. The trainee elves did all they could but just couldn’t build the toys as fast as the regular elves. Santa felt the pressure.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped the fence and Rudolph had a cold. He checked the sleigh but noted a loose bolt which had to be repaired. When he loaded the toys onto the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys among the hay and sh..… everywhere.

Santa needed to calm down so went indoors for a shot of whiskey. Upon opening the eggnog cabinet, he discovered that the elves had “utilised” much of the liquor and there was not a drop left. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor…

Santa was boiling.

Just as the doorbell rang, Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit for the holidays..…

Fuming, Santa opened the front door, to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
“Hiya Santa,” the little angel beamed “just brought you your tree. Where would you like me to stick it?”


And now you know!


The rest is about archaeology (needed spell checker to get that right), the shorts, something Irish (as is customary) and my pick of the week.

Enjoy!


Archaeology (needed spell checker again!)
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, American scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a functioning telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Yanks, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the "Daily Mail" newspaper read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Americans."

One week later, "The New Age", a newspaper with close ties to the SA government, reported: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in the rich African soils of the Mother City, archaeologists found absolutely nothing, concluding that over 300 years ago, before the first settlers arrived, South Africa had already gone wireless."



Shorts:
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?''
He said, ''How flexible are you?''
I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays.''

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



Of being Paddy
This bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."


Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says: "Bejeesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb!"
The operator asks, "Is it tickin’?”
Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef."




And my pick of the week is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and Iarnr√≥d √Čireann (Irish Rail):

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan


Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company


Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

July 06, 2012

It's Friday! (Jul0612)

Ola all,

Today it’s mostly about golf – probably because I haven’t played any in about 3 months and I need a fix. Other than that, there’s not much to report. The contributions have dried up though, which makes me think most of you need to get out and golf too….. or does it mean you are? You lucky sods!

As a new feature I will be including a few one-liners for a few weeks: they’re taken from a list voted the 50 funniest jokes ever – the list was compiled by researchers and then voted for by very many people… apparently. I do believe beer may have been involved. Therefore, if (like me) you are going to have to spend some time explaining these to jud…… anyone, have a beer or two beforehand – I’m SURE that’ll help.

Thanks to the Lawman for his several contributions.

Adieu,


We’re all getting there…
An irate customer called the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone before the caller muttered: "Well, that explains why no one was at church either…"


Shorts:
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed… I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.


Gotta love the caddies:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course sir . . . we left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."



Pick of the week:
The golfer finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy, "Can you see any obvious problems…?"
“Yip,” replied the caddy "there's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face.
"No sir,” the caddie quips “it's at the other end."