July 13, 2012

It's Friday the 13th!

Ola all,

It’s Friday the 13th and all is well… unless you’re a Knight Templar.

You ever wonder where all these traditions come from? I was thinking about that right after I had bravely fought off a Polar Bear and seven rabid penguins on my way to the office this morning. This past December the wee man asked a lot of questions about Christmas: snow, Reindeer, big fat bloke with beard in red Speedo… kinda difficult to explain that to a 3 year old when he’s never seen snow, Reindeer, or a big fat bloke in a red Speedo (we count ourselves lucky)!

I did however know how the angel came to be at the top of the Christmas tree (Santa’s in my Sunday school and he told me):
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. However, all was not well at the North Pole. About a third of the elves were affected by a viral strain of stomach bug and production was behind. The trainee elves did all they could but just couldn’t build the toys as fast as the regular elves. Santa felt the pressure.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, two had jumped the fence and Rudolph had a cold. He checked the sleigh but noted a loose bolt which had to be repaired. When he loaded the toys onto the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground scattering the toys among the hay and sh..… everywhere.

Santa needed to calm down so went indoors for a shot of whiskey. Upon opening the eggnog cabinet, he discovered that the elves had “utilised” much of the liquor and there was not a drop left. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor…

Santa was boiling.

Just as the doorbell rang, Mrs. Clause told Santa that her mom was coming to visit for the holidays..…

Fuming, Santa opened the front door, to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
“Hiya Santa,” the little angel beamed “just brought you your tree. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And now you know!

The rest is about archaeology (needed spell checker to get that right), the shorts, something Irish (as is customary) and my pick of the week.


Archaeology (needed spell checker again!)
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, American scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors had a functioning telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Yanks, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the "Daily Mail" newspaper read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Americans."

One week later, "The New Age", a newspaper with close ties to the SA government, reported: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in the rich African soils of the Mother City, archaeologists found absolutely nothing, concluding that over 300 years ago, before the first settlers arrived, South Africa had already gone wireless."

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?''
He said, ''How flexible are you?''
I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays.''

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Of being Paddy
This bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says: "Bejeesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb!"
The operator asks, "Is it tickin’?”
Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef."

And my pick of the week is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and Iarnród Éireann (Irish Rail):

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Irish Railway Company

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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