January 25, 2013

It's (a manic) Friday!

Ola all,

It’s a manic Friday – very apt, because it’s been a very manic week: lots has happened over the past 7 days but a lot more is yet to happen before the day is over...

The nanny search is a difficult task – gut wrenching and heart breaking. When looking for an employee you look for skills and qualities that can fulfil a certain requirement. When looking for someone to look after your entire world – the kung-fu-kids in this instance – the task is heaped with emotion, fear, trust… and lots of chicken Viennas.

And in South Africa the task becomes even harder: there are literally millions of people desperate for any job. You may think this is a global situation – yes, it is – but there are very few economies that need to sustain an unemployment rate of (well over) 25%.
And when it stares you in the face… when I look at the desperation in the eyes of the people whom I interview, I cannot help but shed tears for them, and their children, and my country.

Fortunately though, this little growing democracy of the people for the people in my neck of the woods has cadres of peoples (or poepols, whatever suits best) that are hard at work making promises and exploiting their own. These same peoples (of the peoples) recently got together for their much advertised and debated conference somewhere near a fountain of flowers. They arrived there by truly South African public transport… commonly known here as the Gravy Train. Recorded in the car park at the conference was:
106 BMW X5's
211 BMW series 5 & 7

That was outside. Inside, our public servants, one and all, were hard at work:

Thanks guys – we appreciate the sacrifice!

Madiba, my dear Madiba, how different a place this land would be had you been given to us 20 years earlier.

However, this is not tickling anybody’s short ribs so I shoot the violinist (in a literary sense, of course) and present this week’s contributions. Thanks to babydoll, Insta’Gran, the Abmeister (1st timer), Staminos, and friend moonstone.

I really DO appreciate your efforts in supplying this content.

This week it’s about golf – Granddad is here and I’ve managed my annual quota in the first three weeks of the year, but I’m not complaining – buying milk, and Little Larry. We’re visited by an apparition and my Pick of the Week is an oldie, but an absolute classic.

Have a great weekend!

Perfect logic…
A wife asks her husband: “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have avocados, get 6?"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados.”
(judogirl will NEVER get this one...)

and more perfect logic
Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke:
"Tim darling, now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."
Tim looked horrified.
"What's wrong, darling?" she asked seeing his reaction. 
"Phew, for a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife." Tim replied.
"Ex wife !" she gasped, "you didn't tell me you'd been married before!"
"I haven't!" he replied

Faceless Golf

Scottish surgery
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to obtain blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & a large sum of US dollars.
A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through an emergency corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "What’s become of the generosity, my fine Arab friend?”
The Arab replied: "Och laddie, just remember I have all this Scottish blood in ma veins."

Little Larry (incognito)

Pick of the Week
The Ambidextrous golfer
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One of them transferred to another city and the weekly game was just never the same. One Saturday morning a new woman who joined their club overheard the guys talking about their golf round.
She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this would be fine, but that she may be fifteen minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30. But I could be 15 minutes late…"
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "You’re so good at this game, but how do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married, I started a little habit: my husband always sleeps in the nude, so right before I leave in the morning for golf I pull the covers off him. If his “Jetson” lies to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"
"Then I'm fifteen minutes late," she said.

January 18, 2013

It's (a first) Friday!

Ola all,

It’s well into 2013 already and I’ve been resting my laurels… if I had been Caesar (Julius, that is) I’d probably have rested ON them, but I’m not, so I didn’t – you get it.

It’s not that I was lazy or anything, but while most of you were enjoying your end-of-year-Christmassy-New-Year’s-summer-holiday-break-thingy, or getting married, I had to put on my baggies, t-shirt and flip-flops EVERY day to go to work.

And even if I DID report on any work-related shenanigans, you wouldn’t have cared because you were on your end-of-year-Christmassy-New-Year’s-summer-holiday-break-thingy, or getting married. And it seems that every second holiday-taker decided to take said holiday in my little, sleepy, seaside village: traffic was horrendous, increasing ten-fold, making my daily commute an arduous journey taking three times longer than usual! And who – I ask you with tears in my navy blues – in this time and age has 10 minutes to spend in traffic? So I took the bicycle – front door to office: 4 minutes flat!

Eish, Africa is a tough country!

However, from the slow trickle of communications that are starting to rustle through the cobwebs and traffic jams of the cyber network to my collective inbox, I have to assume that some of you are also now back in your baggies, t’s and flip-flops contributing towards the stagnant economy. Welcome back – we missed you! Hope you have a very grand year!!

So far, it’s been quite an eventful year for the clan:
Mother-in-law and her coven left just before Christmas and the kung-fu-kids’ nanny had her holiday booked. She decided to take a break to Malawi – the nanny, not the Mother-in-Law – and left us with the little terrorists for a while. The wee man turned 4 and is adamant he wants his first Mercedes by age 5. And so, having to work (while everyone else wasn’t) we needed volunteers to play nanny to the kids.

And as no-one did, the grandparents were commandeered.

Flights were purchased and unceremoniously the airline went bust. So more flights were purchased with an alternate airline (and all held thumbs) and eventually the oldies arrived not quite knowing what they had let us get them into…
We celebrated our house-fire – 5 years of being thankful for everything we are blessed with – and the nanny indicated she was pregnant and possibly not returning. Grandparents were drafted, school started (Peanut’s first days – eish!), and I drove a Landrover over some of the roughest terrain and obstacles I have ever encountered – an advanced 4x4 course to some, a mere highway in our Northern Province to others. Go JuJu!!

So it’s been fun and games, beautifully hot and summery. Here.
It might not have been the same where you were. Ag shame (and of course I mean that in the nicest possible way… with a slight snigger…sincerely)!

The contributions have been kinda sparce – due to the above, I’m sure. However, I hope to bring you this weekly drivel throughout 2013 so I can continue to bore you with trivia and the very many new characters that enrich our lives on a daily basis.

Today there are a few giggles PLUS I endeavour to further educate on the ongoing global economic situation to which we all contribute so diligently. There’s something on cellphones, Dirty Dancing, a visit to the doctor, and my Pick of the Week. Thank you to babydoll, Sharkbait and friend moonstone.
Have a grand weekend!

Hello, Vodacom…
After a really tiring day, a young lady commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes, trying to recharge and while away the day’s stress as best she could. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric - I'm on the train….
Yes, I know it's the six-thirty and not the four-thirty, but I had a long meeting…….
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office - with the boss….
Of course not…….
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life…. Yes, I'm sure…. Cross my heart!"
Our young lady friend tried to shut herself off from the conversation, but Eric kept it up. Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, annoying everyone around him when the young woman had had enough.
She leaned over and in a begging voice said into the phone, "Eric, turn off that phone and come back to bed."
(Eric is looking for a new girlfriend and doesn't use his cell phone in public anymore.)

You should be dancing…yeah!
A husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband: “Looks like he's still celebrating.”

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
A doctor is attending to a lady patient.
“Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all looking fine,” he says. “Now please let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”
He turns to his desk, puts down his charts, his pen, and picks up his stethoscope that has just dropped to the floor. When he turns back to his patient, she has stripped down completely and is sitting “strategically positioned” on the examination table.
“No, no, NO, miss! Please put back your clothes... just show me your tongue!”

Economy 101 (in the 21st Century)
An understandable explanation of the Fiscal Cliff – not so much funny as hilarious fact:

Lesson #1:
US tax revenue:           $2,170,000,000,000
Federal budget:           $3,820,000,000,000
New debt:                  $1,650,000,000,000
National debt:             $14,271,000,000,000
Recent budget cuts:     $38,500,000,000

Let’s now remove eight zeros and pretend it is a household budget:
Annual family income:              $21,700
Money the family spent:           $38,200
New debt on the credit card:   $16,500
Outstanding credit card balance: $142,710
Total household budget cut:     $385

Makes sense, doesn't it?

Lesson #2
Here’s how to look at the Debt Ceiling
Let’s say you’ve come home from work and you find there has been a sewer back-up in your neighbourhood. And you know this because your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do?
a) Raise the ceilings
b) Remove the sh*t

Makes you wonder, I hope...

Pick of the Week
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own! After settling in, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled nervously at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.”
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears?!?!? Look at these breasts – they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.”