September 21, 2012

It's Friday! (Sep2112)

Ola all,

It’s a rainy Friday and the long weekend lies ahead. The Boks aren’t playing – again. They haven’t played for a while. The Bulls did however… against the All Blacks (lost), against Griquas (lost) and against the Sharks (although in jumpers resembling those of Western Province)… and yip, they lost there too.

Apart from that, nothing much happened this week so I had to read the news. There are some really good bits going around: like Princess Kate’s bits. The ones she let hang out in public. Gotta love that! Not the bits – I’ve seen better – but the fact that any other girl who goes to the beach (or the South of France) and drops her top, does so voluntarily. Some people may stare and others may take pictures, but the girl does it out of her own free will, so I’m sure she doesn’t complain… or ask for compensation.

However, if you’re Princess Kate’s husband (or mother-in-law), you expect anyone who looks or takes pictures to pay… where’s the logic? (I wonder whether they were taxed on that…)

I sent the Royal Hindnesses my suggestion: “keep your top on, or stop complaining!”
I haven’t heard from them but there’s been a suspicious car and men in dark suits following me since…

Closer to home, judogirl complained that I didn’t do anything to take her breath away…..
so I binned her asthma pump. I think that might do it.

This week we look at surgery. There’s a few shorts and Little Larry is back after a successful debut last week. My mother, not one easily to be mistaken for a tech-junkie, is often confused by anything relating to the internet. In order to assist, we take a historic view on where the internet came from… I’m sure she’d love it – probably knew some of the okes who started it all. There's a comic of something that actually happened in my house this week... and my Pick of the Week comes from some old Chinese bloke.

Thanks to this week’s contributors from far and wide: Sharkbait, FisioFred, friend Moonstone, and the Law Man.

Have a good one!

Surgery by the book:
Five surgeons were discussing who the best patients were to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think Librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
The fifth surgeon observed dryly, “You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no balls, no brains, no heart, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable.”

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that - 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Och, NO!" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero. The other an instruction.

I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
He said "I would like to come back as a pig."
I said "You're obviously not listening."

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

The History of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com took unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land, and indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as Geek's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

So there you have it Mom.


Pick of the Week:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

September 14, 2012

It's Friday! (Sep1412)

Ola all,

The past weekend was not such a good one: wee man landed himself in hospital, I broke a nail, and the Boks got whipped by the Aussies!

Worst of all, the Boks now face the might of the All Blacks – in Dunedin!

However, the coach has seen the light and decided that our man Pat Lambie will get a chance……. to yet again have no influence on the game apart from warming the bench. Apparently he has also indicated that he didn’t expect the Boks to win this game and therefore told his players to just enjoy themselves….: “O.K. boys, we’re gonna go out there, without a hope in hell, get pummelled and beaten senseless – but remember to enjoy it!”

This might seem a peculiar tactic… however, there seems to be a strange familiarity about this approach: our good friend P'Divvie (ex-Bok coach Pieter de Villiers) had a very similar approach to the same match a few years ago and pulled off a stunning win against all odds! In saying that, we have to remind ourselves that anything P'Divvie said could really be interpreted any which way you wanted… I recently read some quotes of a baseball legend called Yogi Barr who played for the New York Yankees. Had I not been informed of this fact I would easily have believed these phrases were uttered by P'Divvie himself… these follow shortly.

Bokke, we’re behind you guys 100% - give ‘em horns!!!

Other than that there’s something about a duck, and I am happy to report the Irish are back. Little Larry makes his debut: I hope to have him here most weeks.
The shorts involve teachers and exams and the Pick of the Week is in hieroglyphics……….. (that pause is real – I was waiting for spell checker to melt down, but seems I got it right first time – WOW!)

Thanks to this week’s contributors: friend Moonstone, Sharkbait, the Angel Lady, and the Cameraman.

Have a good one!!

Who REALLY said this…:
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore."
"If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
"The future isn’t what it used to be."
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"We have deep depth."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"I don't know if they were men or women running without clothes across the field – they had bags over their heads."
"It gets late early out there."
"If you don't know where you're going, you might end up some place else."

Duck you sucker
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck!"
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich - please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says…
"What on earth would they want with a plasterer?"

Little Larry
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”

Why teachers drink:
Stressed teachers submitted the below questions and answers as reasons why drink forms such an integral part of their dietary habits (personally I would have given bonus points for originality… but that could explain why I never got accepted to Teachers’ College…)

Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom

Q: What is the meaning of “varicose”?
A: Close by

Q: Name 6 animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two Polar Bears and three four Penguins

Q: Explain the phrase “free press”.
A: When your mum irons trousers for you

Q: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin

Q: Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?
A: Around Hadrian’s garden

Q: Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second. The speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?
A: Steve could find out by checking his speedometer

Q: Find x


Up the Irish!!
A customer asks a clerk: “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
“Are you Irish?” the clerk asks.
“Yes, I am” the guy says, clearly offended. “But let me ask you something:
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if was Polish, had I asked for Pierogi?”
“Well…” the clerk started, but was cut short by our friend, now highly irate and in full swing.
“Would you have asked if I was Mexican had I asked for a Taco?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”
The clerk says “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
“Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausage?!”
The clerk replies: “Because you’re in Builders Warehouse.”

Pick of the Week:
Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:

This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left... It says:

"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass on That Chick."

September 07, 2012

It's Friday! (Sep0712)

Ola all,

Another week has come and gone and I sit, yet again… no that’s it – I sit yet again. Desk job.

This does however offer me the opportunity to corrupt your world with others’ experiences, situations, and otherworldly shenanigans…

Apparently it’s Casual Day today. I didn’t get the memo. Thought it a tad strange that judogirl dressed up like a pirate this morning. I was just getting excited when she gave me that “Don’t even think about it!” stare. However, me being me, that only managed to raise my excitement level to DEFCON 1, and I reacted. Unfortunately I quickly came back to Earth…

Now in any normal household like yours, that would mean you saw the little blue Casual Day sticker thingy, you realised what was going on, your hopes were slightly deflated, and that was that.
In my house I literally came back to Earth – with a thud! The thud being the Earth driving the wind from my lungs and every sinus in my body upon impact, after briefly being flung like a wet rag over judogirl’s back, leaving me with the distinct realisation that “Yes indeed, I did see the stare and for some or other reason chose to misinterpret it!” Judogirl was already way over there fixing her headband and doing her nails… pirate style.

Bugger it, I’ll dress up like a golfer… I am indeed playing golf later today, which is strange because I don’t have a horse.
Golf is the one with the horse, isn’t it?
Eish, I’m in more trouble than I thought…..! D*mn tight pants and these silly boots… Anyway, don’t worry about me, I’m sure I’ll figure it out as I go – how hard can it be?

This week it’s all about mental mathematics (not that I understand calculus or anything), birth order of your kids, naked ladies, and shopping… MAN style!


How I learned to mind my own business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, ‘13....13....13…’
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting ‘14....14....14...’

Climbing the Corporate Ladder
We’ve all been asked, at some stage in life, to give more than 100%? It rears its very ugly head at almost every corporate meeting where the boss asks for it!
So two corporate mathematicians pretended to be hard at work, spending valuable corporate time and resources to bring you the following undisputable mathematical algorithm that proves what you probably already know. It goes like this:
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that it’s knowledge and hard work when the boss talks, but it’s really bullshit and ass kissing the boss wants!

Every man’s quest

Birth order
Maternity clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette*
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
*Here I should add: 1st, 2nd, 3rd baby: you have absolutely no *&^%# idea what a “Layette” is…

1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.

Boer maak ‘n plan (a man with a plan)
It was a stifling day on the African savannah – antelopes were panting in the shade, crows were sleeping and even the flies kept a low profile. A farmer was driving home after a trip to town. Driving through his farm’s gate he decided to head for the orchard to collect some fruit for the house. He thought he would maybe take a dip in the dam there to cool off before heading home.
Nearing the orchard he noticed a minivan parked close by.
“#^$*% tourists,” he thought, “Probably helping themselves to my fruit.”
He took a bucket from the bakkie and walked toward the orchard. He looked everywhere but couldn’t see anyone among the trees. Walking further he heard jolly voices coming from beyond. He stalked closer and heard laughing, giggles and splashes coming from the nearby irrigation dam.
“#^$*% tourists,” he thought, “Pooling my resources.”
Being a wily old farmer, he realised there were quite a few voices, so decided to recce the situation before reacting. Using the orchard to camouflage his approach, he stealthily moved closer and closer to the dam... listening from time to time, he realised all the voices were female. Peering through the branches his heart missed a couple of beats and almost stopped: enjoying the cool waters of his humble bushveld farm, among thorn trees and open savannah, were eight gorgeous, naked young ladies – al’fresco au’natural – swimming, splashing, giggling… quite a sight.
Being a man, and a farmer, he formalised a plan while enjoying the sight (for just a few minutes). He then strode out confidently from the trees towards the dam. The naked beauties shrieked and sank under the water to cover up the nitty gritties…
“We’re not coming out until you leave,” shouted one of the girls at the approaching farmer.
“Oh, don’t worry dear. I’m not here to spy on you and your friends,” he said while raising the bucket in the air, “I’ve just come to feed the crocodiles!”

Pick of the Week:
Men don’t like shopping. That’s a given.
If you're one of us, just follow this genius’ antics as documented by the shop’s security department and see if your wife ever asks you to go shopping again....  (use it, don’t use it… you know…)

August 4th
11:33 – 11:38
He took 24 boxes of condoms and dropped them into various customers’ shopping baskets when they weren’t looking.

11:45 – 12:15
He set all the alarm clocks in the House&Home Department to go off within 5 minutes of each other.

He switched the “Cash Office–Staff Only” sign with the “Public Toilet” sign.

August 11th
An assistant approached him and offered assistance where he was standing in front of the tooth paste section, scratching his head. He looked at her and started screaming: “When are you people going to stop following me?”

He ran up to an employee in the Hardware Department and in a very official and urgent voice said: “Code 3, it’s a Code 3!” and then waited to see what happened…

14:12 - 14:20
He erected a tent in the Outdoors Department

14:21 - 14:48
He proceeded to invite other customers to join him in his tent. He would then rush off to the Linen Department to fetch them pillows.

August 25th
He looked straight into a security camera, then picked his nose and… did what… some kids would do…

While handling a hunting rifle in the Outdoor Department, he asked the shop assistant where they kept the anti-depressants.

11:30 - 11:58am
He darted all over the shop, looking very suspicious, hiding behind shelves and shopping trollies, sometimes dropping to the floor, while quite audibly humming the theme song from "Mission Impossible".

September 1st
After an overhead announcement in the Bakery, he fell to the ground, curled up in the fetal position and exclaimed “No! No! The voices are back!”

10:25 – 10:55am
He hid himself among some dresses in the Ladies Wear Department. While customers browsed for items of clothing he would cry out "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

He entered a fitting room in the Ladies Wear Department, stayed there for some time, and then called out “THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”

It’s safe to assume he’s watching ALL the rugby this weekend!!