September 14, 2012
It's Friday! (Sep1412)
The past weekend was not such a good one: wee man landed himself in hospital, I broke a nail, and the Boks got whipped by the Aussies!
Worst of all, the Boks now face the might of the All Blacks – in Dunedin!
However, the coach has seen the light and decided that our man Pat Lambie will get a chance……. to yet again have no influence on the game apart from warming the bench. Apparently he has also indicated that he didn’t expect the Boks to win this game and therefore told his players to just enjoy themselves….: “O.K. boys, we’re gonna go out there, without a hope in hell, get pummelled and beaten senseless – but remember to enjoy it!”
This might seem a peculiar tactic… however, there seems to be a strange familiarity about this approach: our good friend P'Divvie (ex-Bok coach Pieter de Villiers) had a very similar approach to the same match a few years ago and pulled off a stunning win against all odds! In saying that, we have to remind ourselves that anything P'Divvie said could really be interpreted any which way you wanted… I recently read some quotes of a baseball legend called Yogi Barr who played for the New York Yankees. Had I not been informed of this fact I would easily have believed these phrases were uttered by P'Divvie himself… these follow shortly.
Bokke, we’re behind you guys 100% - give ‘em horns!!!
Other than that there’s something about a duck, and I am happy to report the Irish are back. Little Larry makes his debut: I hope to have him here most weeks.
The shorts involve teachers and exams and the Pick of the Week is in hieroglyphics……….. (that pause is real – I was waiting for spell checker to melt down, but seems I got it right first time – WOW!)
Thanks to this week’s contributors: friend Moonstone, Sharkbait, the Angel Lady, and the Cameraman.
Have a good one!!
Who REALLY said this…:
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore."
"If the world was perfect, it wouldn't be."
"I really didn't say everything I said."
"The future isn’t what it used to be."
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"We have deep depth."
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
"90% of the game is half mental."
"I don't know if they were men or women running without clothes across the field – they had bags over their heads."
"It gets late early out there."
"If you don't know where you're going, you might end up some place else."
Duck you sucker
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck!"
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich - please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. “With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says…
"What on earth would they want with a plasterer?"
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What's the matter”, asked Larry “Giving up?”
Why teachers drink:
Stressed teachers submitted the below questions and answers as reasons why drink forms such an integral part of their dietary habits (personally I would have given bonus points for originality… but that could explain why I never got accepted to Teachers’ College…)
Q: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom
Q: What is the meaning of “varicose”?
A: Close by
Q: Name 6 animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
A: Two Polar Bears and
three four Penguins
Q: Explain the phrase “free press”.
A: When your mum irons trousers for you
Q: Name one of the early Romans’ greatest achievements.
A: Learning to speak Latin
Q: Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?
A: Around Hadrian’s garden
Q: Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet/second. The speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?
A: Steve could find out by checking his speedometer
Q: Find x
Up the Irish!!
A customer asks a clerk: “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?”
“Are you Irish?” the clerk asks.
“Yes, I am” the guy says, clearly offended. “But let me ask you something:
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if was Polish, had I asked for Pierogi?”
“Well…” the clerk started, but was cut short by our friend, now highly irate and in full swing.
“Would you have asked if I was Mexican had I asked for a Taco?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”
The clerk says “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
“Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausage?!”
The clerk replies: “Because you’re in Builders Warehouse.”
Pick of the Week:
Found written across the wall of a cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said:
This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine hit the earth, and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left... It says:
"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass on That Chick."