Ola all,
Another week has come and gone and I sit, yet again… no that’s it – I sit yet again. Desk job.
This does however offer me the opportunity to corrupt your world with others’ experiences, situations, and otherworldly shenanigans…
Apparently it’s Casual Day today. I didn’t get the memo. Thought it a tad strange that judogirl dressed up like a pirate this morning. I was just getting excited when she gave me that “Don’t even think about it!” stare. However, me being me, that only managed to raise my excitement level to DEFCON 1, and I reacted. Unfortunately I quickly came back to Earth…
Now in any normal household like yours, that would mean you saw the little blue Casual Day sticker thingy, you realised what was going on, your hopes were slightly deflated, and that was that.
In my house I literally came back to Earth – with a thud! The thud being the Earth driving the wind from my lungs and every sinus in my body upon impact, after briefly being flung like a wet rag over judogirl’s back, leaving me with the distinct realisation that “Yes indeed, I did see the stare and for some or other reason chose to misinterpret it!” Judogirl was already way over there fixing her headband and doing her nails… pirate style.
Bugger it, I’ll dress up like a golfer… I am indeed playing golf later today, which is strange because I don’t have a horse.
Golf is the one with the horse, isn’t it?
Not?
Eish, I’m in more trouble than I thought…..! D*mn tight pants and these silly boots… Anyway, don’t worry about me, I’m sure I’ll figure it out as I go – how hard can it be?
This week it’s all about mental mathematics (not that I understand calculus or anything), birth order of your kids, naked ladies, and shopping… MAN style!
Enjoy!!
How I learned to mind my own business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, ‘13....13....13…’
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting ‘14....14....14...’
Climbing the Corporate Ladder
We’ve all been asked, at some stage in life, to give more than 100%? It rears its very ugly head at almost every corporate meeting where the boss asks for it!
So two corporate mathematicians pretended to be hard at work, spending valuable corporate time and resources to bring you the following undisputable mathematical algorithm that proves what you probably already know. It goes like this:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
while
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that it’s knowledge and hard work when the boss talks, but it’s really bullshit and ass kissing the boss wants!
Every man’s quest
Birth order
Maternity clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette*
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
*Here I should add: 1st, 2nd, 3rd baby: you have absolutely no *&^%# idea what a “Layette” is…
Nappies:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached...
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.
Boer maak ‘n plan (a man with a plan)
It was a stifling day on the African savannah – antelopes were panting in the shade, crows were sleeping and even the flies kept a low profile. A farmer was driving home after a trip to town. Driving through his farm’s gate he decided to head for the orchard to collect some fruit for the house. He thought he would maybe take a dip in the dam there to cool off before heading home.
Nearing the orchard he noticed a minivan parked close by.
“#^$*% tourists,” he thought, “Probably helping themselves to my fruit.”
He took a bucket from the bakkie and walked toward the orchard. He looked everywhere but couldn’t see anyone among the trees. Walking further he heard jolly voices coming from beyond. He stalked closer and heard laughing, giggles and splashes coming from the nearby irrigation dam.
“#^$*% tourists,” he thought, “Pooling my resources.”
Being a wily old farmer, he realised there were quite a few voices, so decided to recce the situation before reacting. Using the orchard to camouflage his approach, he stealthily moved closer and closer to the dam... listening from time to time, he realised all the voices were female. Peering through the branches his heart missed a couple of beats and almost stopped: enjoying the cool waters of his humble bushveld farm, among thorn trees and open savannah, were eight gorgeous, naked young ladies – al’fresco au’natural – swimming, splashing, giggling… quite a sight.
Being a man, and a farmer, he formalised a plan while enjoying the sight (for just a few minutes). He then strode out confidently from the trees towards the dam. The naked beauties shrieked and sank under the water to cover up the nitty gritties…
“We’re not coming out until you leave,” shouted one of the girls at the approaching farmer.
“Oh, don’t worry dear. I’m not here to spy on you and your friends,” he said while raising the bucket in the air, “I’ve just come to feed the crocodiles!”
Pick of the Week:
Men don’t like shopping. That’s a given.
If you're one of us, just follow this genius’ antics as documented by the shop’s security department and see if your wife ever asks you to go shopping again.... (use it, don’t use it… you know…)
August 4th
11:33 – 11:38
He took 24 boxes of condoms and dropped them into various customers’ shopping baskets when they weren’t looking.
11:45 – 12:15
He set all the alarm clocks in the House&Home Department to go off within 5 minutes of each other.
12:23
He switched the “Cash Office–Staff Only” sign with the “Public Toilet” sign.
August 11th
13:48pm
An assistant approached him and offered assistance where he was standing in front of the tooth paste section, scratching his head. He looked at her and started screaming: “When are you people going to stop following me?”
13:58pm
He ran up to an employee in the Hardware Department and in a very official and urgent voice said: “Code 3, it’s a Code 3!” and then waited to see what happened…
14:12 - 14:20
He erected a tent in the Outdoors Department
14:21 - 14:48
He proceeded to invite other customers to join him in his tent. He would then rush off to the Linen Department to fetch them pillows.
August 25th
11:15am
He looked straight into a security camera, then picked his nose and… did what… some kids would do…
11:23am
While handling a hunting rifle in the Outdoor Department, he asked the shop assistant where they kept the anti-depressants.
11:30 - 11:58am
He darted all over the shop, looking very suspicious, hiding behind shelves and shopping trollies, sometimes dropping to the floor, while quite audibly humming the theme song from "Mission Impossible".
September 1st
10:12am
After an overhead announcement in the Bakery, he fell to the ground, curled up in the fetal position and exclaimed “No! No! The voices are back!”
10:25 – 10:55am
He hid himself among some dresses in the Ladies Wear Department. While customers browsed for items of clothing he would cry out "PICK ME, PICK ME!"
11:03am
He entered a fitting room in the Ladies Wear Department, stayed there for some time, and then called out “THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!”
It’s safe to assume he’s watching ALL the rugby this weekend!!
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