August 31, 2012

It's Friday! (Aug3112)

Ola all,

Eish, it's almost Spring and I’m typing as fast as I can because this week’s edition is almost late – and what would your weekend be without a couple of new jokes to share with your friends/family/pet hamster around an open fire?

Yes, an open fire because it’s fairly wintry here… but knowing where this email gets too, it’s pretty wintry where you are too – even you Scots, because it’s kinda ALWAYS wintry where you are (some bloke bet me I couldn’t fit in a word like “wintry” three times in one sentence, but technically I nailed it 4 times because the full stop is only coming up…. now). There it is!

You might think that intro a tad odd. However, I am a tad knackered: judogirl and I have two sick kids and an allergic dog. This means they colonise our bed and I am exiled to every other bed in the house. The nanny is nervous......
No, she doesn't stay in our house, but she is convinced we are having marital problems. And now I can’t even sleep in the guest bedroom… well, technically I could, but it would be awkward… my mother-in-law is staying with us… and that would just be weird!

If it was only the flu I could probably handle it, but the wee man wakes up in the middle of the night (in the middle of MY bed) and starts wailing. For no obvious reason. And because I don’t have the ability, at 02:30 in the morning, to put it to him in plain toddler language that normal working class men who sleep on the couch every night needs their sleep, he gets upset and howls at the moon.

You giggle – that can only mean ONE thing: you’ve never met the young man. Do yourself a favour – meet the Glacier.

Fortunately I received some excellent advice from someone at work, utilising some very effective parenting techniques and have posted it for your benefit….

Apart from parenting advice, I have also taken it upon myself to return balance to the Universe: recently I twit…. I tweet…. I wrote about Mitt Romney’s Olympic feat (you gotta admit, he just made it o-so-easy), so this week some inside info from the other side of the political spectrum. The shorts are actually pearls of wisdom and the Irish are painting nudes. There’s something about matrimonial finances (so to speak) and my Pick of the Week.


Behind every great man…
One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you?”
She replied that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.
President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant?”
To which Michelle responded, "No Dear, if I had married him, he would now be President!"

Paddy the Painter
A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the “au naturel”.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euros.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says 'tis okay. I'll paint ya in da au naturel alright, but can I at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes?"

Father & Son
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boys testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a doctor?"
"No," replied the woman. "Divorce attorney."

Tough Love vs Spanking
Most people nowadays think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the car, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPad, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

Apparently this technique also works well with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

“Use it – don’t use it” Shorts
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman - neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back.
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation - the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Pick of the Week:
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. I love the game and recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read. This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my many years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
• A Kate Winslett:      a bit flat but otherwise perfect
• A Kate Moss:          bit thin
• A Gerry Adams:      playing a Provisional
• An O.J. Simpson:    got away with it
• A sister-in-law:        up there but I know that I shouldn't be
• A Paris Hilton:         an expensive hole
• A Diego Maradona:  a very nasty 5 footer
• A Salman Rushdie:   an impossible read
• A Rock Hudson:      thought it was straight, but it wasn't
• A Cuban:                 needs one more revolution
• An Elton John:         a big bender that lips the rim
• A Yasser Arafat:      in the sand and ugly
• An Adolf Hitler:       two shots in the bunker

1 comment:

  1. Enjoyable as always, Mr Meintjes! Hope you guys all recover soon.