August 08, 2012

It's (almost) Friday!

Ola all,

Not quite Friday just yet. It’s actually only a couple of minutes after midnight on a cold and wet Wednesday morning. Yes, I'm up. Kids woke up – as they tend to do more often than is required of them – and I am now the gold medal winner of an alertness spell that makes sleep a mere dream...

However, I may not be able to send you this on Friday (as I may not BE here on Friday), so the kids waking me up in the middle of the night is actually your good fortune, or this edition may never have seen the light of (Fri)day!

In celebration of another truly South African pastime – wonderful and wacky ways to come up with national holidays – I bring you the National Woman’s Day It’s Friday! Edition… on a Wednesday.

And wouldn’t it be fitting if our own Caster Semenya could bring South Africa another Olympic Gold Medal right before Women’s Day? She’s running in the 800m and I don’t want to hear any lame jokes about it – that girl has worked her balls off to get where she is today!

So to all women out there, big and small, near or far, related or not - we love you ALL!! We don't understand you - we never could - but we love you nevertheless! *

This edition is for you – women everywhere – it just wouldn’t be right anyway else:

Marital Bliss
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

The husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room: "Please come fast! I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel!"
Manager: "Sir that's a personal matter.”
Husband: "Idiot, the window won't open! That’s a maintenance matter!"

Of hobbies and pastimes
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on decoys for duck hunting instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

Guts and Balls
This may have been around for a while, but a lot of us guys tend to forget the distinction between the two concepts:
GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife holding a broom, looking her over and asking: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?”
BALLS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt saying: “You're next, Chubby!”

(the distinction might be fuzzy, but there is absolutely no confusion about the exact outcome…)

Woman's revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the lady wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

Understanding women
We know that’s impossible because we’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...'
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?!'

A (very brave) man said to his wife one day, “I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
“Allow me to explain,” the wife responded. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

(oh, judogirl’s so gonna use that one…!)

Who does what
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'What?! I don't believe that. Show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages...
And indeed it says: ‘HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed...
It read: 'It's 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Manly tasks
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies!" he responded.
"Oh... killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
"How can you tell them apart?" she enquired, intrigued.
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded.

* Please read my personal contribution to women everywhere (and to every man who has any sense):  “The Venus thing

And my Pic of the Week…
Thanks to babydoll and Pastor Bob for this - you both submitted the same contribution!! However, in the spirit of things, we’re gonna give this one to babydoll – because it’s Women’s Day an’ all that jazz... and she's much prettier!!

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