December 28, 2012

It's (a final) Friday!

Ola all,

OK, so nothing happened last Friday – no Apocalyptic catastrophe… well, at least not from where I’m standing… which is still here. I can but hope that that holds true for you too – and if you’re reading this, it probably does. Congratulations.

So, life goes on as per usual. We work, we live, we love, we thank our lucky stars that we are happy and healthy…and that we’ve made it through another year.

2013 was just like a Pick-n-Pay steak: lekker and juicy, with really tough bits throughout!

And now it’s the holiday season. Most of you are blissfully unaware of us minions keeping the gears moving as you sun your buns, sip your sauce, and generally care less about anything else. Enjoy, you deserve it!

And then there’s the Scots – eish, you guys can never catch a break, can you? Here we are: sun, sand, sea, shorts, and slipslops (and this is at work) while you freeze your proverbials off… again!

Sorry about that. But enjoy, nevertheless.

It’s the end of 2012 and this is the final instalment of this specific publication for the year: I’ve enjoyed bringing you these weekly updates and hope to do so again next year (when you’re all back and start contributing again)!

It's a quieter time of year so I'm keeping it short and sweet (much like judogril) - a gem, generously supplied by babydoll. Thanks for that - you've been an insiration!

Thanks to all the contributors throughout the year, and to all the readers who’ve made this endeavour such a pleasurable one – “spit happens” has now been read far and wide, and in the East.

Have a grand 2013, from all the citizens of waynnesworld!!

Pick of the Week
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed then visibly shuddered for about ten seconds. She took out a tissue and gently wiped her nose.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later the woman sneezed again, shuddered violently once more, took a tissue and wiped her nose.
Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. This time the shudder continued for about 15 seconds before she took a tissue and gently wiped her nose as before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity the man turned to the woman and said, "My apologies for being nosy, but I am a behaviourist and couldn't help but notice the strange shudders every time you sneezed… are you OK?"
"I’m sorry,” she sniffled. “I hope I didn’t disturb you. I have a very rare medical condition: whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, couldn't help but stammer "I have never heard of that condition before, are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

December 21, 2012

It's (Apocalypse) Friday!

Ola all,

The Apocalypse is just about upon me, so I’m writing as fast as I can – have no idea when this event is supposed to happen. There is something going around about 11:11 UK time… which I assume would mean Greenwich Time… oooh, just imagine people’s reaction in Greenwich today if a boiler bursts or a bus backfires at the stroke of 11:11 (GMT)… WOW!
If they’re right, it allows me just enough time to grab lunch!
However, things could already have gone awry without me noticing: it’s Pastor Bob’s birthday today. I’ve phoned – he hasn’t answered……
That got me assuming stuff. I assumed one of two things:
  1. He’s been raptured (remember, that bloke has a direct line upstairs – big red telephone right there in his house. I’ve seen it!);
  2. He knew about the 11:11 GMT thing and went to town on the church’s grape juice; or
  3. He was busy.
Yes, I know I said “one of two things” but I just thought about that third one while writing and I don‘t have the time to go back and correct grammar and stuff – GMT is approaching FAST!!!
Talking of time (and birthdays): it’s the wee man’s birthday tomorrow – jeepers, can you believe it’s been 4 years ALREADY – and he wants a watch. I got a great deal on a Mayan watch at a local shop. However, while wrapping the present this morning the watch suddenly stopped…!
President Putin (yes, of Russia) told his people that the world will definitely not end today. He indicated that he knew exactly when the world would come to an end and it will indeed happen in about 4,5million years from now. That managed to calm the Russians because as every Russian knows: if you can’t believe your politicians, who the heck can you believe?
All I know is that it’ll happen – one day. Any day between now and President Putin’s prediction (gotta love the ‘p’ ‘p’ ‘p’ right there – try saying that three times fast before the world ends). It might even happen while I si
Sorry, car backfired in the street – had to change my shorts.

Apocalypse Now or Apocalypse Not, Nostradamus and my Mayan Calendar chiselling friend could definitely back me up on this: it’s Christmas day on Tuesday! The kids are stoked: the lights are up, the decorations are flying, the dog’s got his Reindeer horns on, and I have yet to get judogirl something nice… any suggestions?
Santa got myself.....uhm, me... Santa got me surround sound… 4 years ago! But because the wee man didn’t like the noise while he was feeding – and all through his current, young, developing life – I have never been able to use it. So I’m ripping that box come hell, or high water… or volcanoes, or meteorites, or fire-breathing dragons – oooh, anyone seen the Hobbit movie yet?
Oh, and while I’m on the topic of shorts: they’re back! So without further ado, I leave you with this week’s giggles – they could be just that, or conversation starters around a make-shift fire while searching for food and shelter amongst other survivors…

No need to thank me – I aim to serve!
This week we’ll look at what to do when the end is near and how to cheat on your wife. Confucius has to be back for the Chinese New Year and leaves us with some parting words. After my recent expose on why parents shouldn’t text, a couple of techno oldies supplied me with texting genius. Then the shorts, and my Pick of the Week.
Thanks for reading and good luck with what lies ahead. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, health and happiness, and good cheer. Drive safe and live life to the full – ‘cause you never know when it’ll end (cue violins…)
Planning the end
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die someday and none of us really know when. But if we did, we would probably all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”
A gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house.”
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, trying to fathom the wisdom of his statement. The group leader finally asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
He answered “Because that’ll make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!”
And at the end…
Four blokes are having a beer, discussing the meaning of life (as blokes often do) and how they would be remembered. So one friend turns to the others and says: “Only in the end, when you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, will you know what the real meaning of life was. What would you want to hear them say about you?”
The other three friends nodded while this profound statement slowly settled upon them.
So the first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!”
Confucius say…

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time
When man bring wife flowers for no reason, there usually reason
Confucius say too much
Confucius say bye-bye

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet: 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'OK, where is he then?'
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'
When oldies text
The kids all have their little SMS BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBMA - Covered by Medical Aid
CUATMC - See You at the Medical Centre
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing....Can't get Up!
PSU – Please Speak Up
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!.
My Mayan friend


Wednesday afternoon…
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can't lie to you,” he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!”
Pick of the Week
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said and they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here, have this.” he said to the statue. “I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

December 14, 2012

It's (pre-Apocalyptic) Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday, and from what I hear this may have to be the second to last instalment of this particular publication. Or the last. Not sure yet. With the imminent apocalypse in the offing and no clear indication of whether it’ll be a morning or afternoon type event, I’m uncertain whether it’ll allow me enough time to get a final instalment out next week before…uhm…whatever happens. So we’re kinda winging it…

Now for those of you who are not so in tune with what’s what, the Mayans (an ancient developed culture who built phenomenal cities and temples, waterways and shopping malls……. in Mexico) developed a calendar that ended on December 21st, 2012. Yip, that’s next week.

This has sparked world-wide speculation that the end – the real end – may indeed be nigh.

Me, being the eternal realist (the glass is half), I view the possibilities as follows:
1)  The Mayan Calendarer (yes, that is my name for the Mayan bloke who sat with hammer and chisel working on the big black rock calendar thingy) broke his final chisel immediately after completing the date 2012/12/21, and while on his way to Mayan Builders Warehouse was hit by a bus… Nobody else had a clue how to work the calendar but reckoned that some other smart Mayan bloke with a chisel would figure it out before they eventually got to 2012/12/21. The “thing” was therefore shoved behind the shed and then one day, unfortunately, the Mayans disappeared – all of them. So we’re getting very excited about a rock behind a shed and nothing much is going to happen that isn’t possibly going to happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or in May 2013……;


2)  The Mayans were right and we have a week to live it up like there’s no tomorrow!

It’s gonna happen at some stage – yip – but I’m not quite sure when.

There are however publications out there who have it on “good authority” that the prophecies foretell it:
“…residents are preparing for the worst, many saying that the Mayan apocalypse was foretold by Nostradamus, a prophecy which is clearly audible if you play ‘Sugar Man’ by Rodriguez backwards…”

Government has swooped on the opportunity of scoring some points with the public:
“…the Education Department has confirmed that it will announce this year’s Matric results on December 22, the day after the world ends. Spokesman Deemaz Pett added: “It’s going to be so nice not having any whiny DA killjoys around to question why every single learner in the country has achieved 43 distinctions.”

On the economic front, the Apocalypse could just be the solution to the global economic crises everybody's been waiting for:
“… this morning, consumer advisor Tata Shabinga van Rooyen urged shoppers to be on the lookout for pre-apocalypse bargains: “Just because a giant demigod with the head of a snake and the feet of an eagle is going to rise up out of the sea and obliterate us all, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the best deals,” she said, adding that sales of 2013 diaries were currently “sluggish” and that shoppers should try to haggle prices down…

Even our beloved Pres is getting involved:
“The ANC has confirmed that Jacob Zuma is looking forward to the apocalypse. An aide for the President commented: “He’s going to be riding it out in his bunker at Nkandla. We’re under strict instructions to keep him limber and hydrated in case he needs to repopulate the planet afterwards. He’s been practicing these last few years, and he’s pretty stoked!”

Another, more local, publication ran the following comments:
“…with only 8 shopping days left before the world ends in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar, many holidaymakers are leaving Gauteng early to beat the pre-apocalypse rush to Cape Town…” (I saw them! And they caused traffic!! It was horrible!!!)
“Cape Town residents however say they are not particularly worried about the end of the world, as they experience an apocalypse every December when visitors from Gauteng start arriving: “It’s pretty much straight out of a Mayan prophecy,” said resident K.P. Oake. “These creatures arrive and start stomping around our city: boiled red like lobsters, gigantically fat, with nasty pork-sausage toes bursting out of crocs, wearing Springbok jerseys and board-shorts instead of real clothes. Utter obliteration will be kind of a blessing, really.”

International publications have headlines prepared for December 22nd, in anticipation of the event:
-USA Today:    WE'RE DEAD
-Microsoft Systems Journal:    APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
-Victoria's Secret Catalog:    OUR FINAL SALE
-Sports Illustrated:    GAME OVER
-National Enquirer:    O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
-Readers Digest:    BYE

Other than that I suppose it’s business as usual. Thank you to the contributors (including Hayibo – first contribution), and to you the reader for bearing with this.

With a view on the end, this week features a view from the past and something about a real live pilot. Confucius is a wise… man and says parents shouldn’t text. The millionaires are gone but we investigate when it's appropriate to use the f-word. And finally, I am happy to announce that the Irish, once again, feature as my Pick of the Week. Thanks for that one Sharkbait!

Hope you have a grand week… it could be your last!

Good luck and ENJOY!

The way it was…

Pilots wing it
An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, and all kinds of planes. Flew a B-29 in WWII and a Sabre later in the Korean conflict. Taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Confucius say…

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

Don't eat snow where huskies go

Why parents shouldn’t text

Even the big names used it (some appropriate uses of the F-word):
"Any f***ing idiot could understand that."    - Einstein
"What the f*** was that bang?"    - Mayor Of Hiroshima
"Where the f*** are we?"    - Amelia Earhart
"It does so f***ing look like her!"    - Leonardo da Vinci
"How the f*** did you work that out?"    - Pythagoras
"Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?"    - General Custer
"Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!"    - Noah

Pick of the Week
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women were entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

December 07, 2012

It's Friday!

Ola all,

OK, it’s Friday and by the time you read this I’ve probably got my shoes off, drinking beer, waiting for the barefoot cook to bring me my lunch. No, that is not another name for judogirl or my mother, although…. yeah, let’s not go there: judogirl reads this stuff nowadays and she’s faster than me.

It’s silly season and I’m breaking bread with the rest of the office. The cook is really barefoot. Cool.

Well, the biggest thing you may have missed last week was the last view of the moustache… well, technically you could check out last week’s post and miraculously it’ll still be there… (the picture, not the moustache… but you knew that… ). Yip, the mo was officially retired for the year. It was quite the ceremony. Clippers buzzing, hair flying, judogirl dancing… and hey, we found both Jimmy Hoffa AND Amelia Earhart in the process - jackpot!!

The one surprising thing that came out of the whole exercise is the reaction of the ladies to the whole mo shebang…: gents, if you didn’t go mo, you just wouldn’t know! (poet, know it - n’all that jazz)

On the same day the Poms absolutely clobbered the All Blacks in what can only be described as “stunning” fashion. Stunning, not in as a “wow, isn’t that fabulous!” kinda way, but rather a “WTF just happened?” kinda way. I’m sure the Kiwis are still trying to figure that out. Well done England (you have absolutely NO idea how hard that is to say without spitting on the ground)! To New Zealand – what a run! 10 years without a loss in the UK, and 20 matches without a defeat… until Saturday that is. The REALLY good thing though is that the Boks didn’t play the Poms on that Go-Mo-day, ‘cause I fear it could’ve gone very much the same way for us. But it didn’t – we beat them hands down: Go BOKKE!!

And of course I was forced to watch some Aussie sport: cricket actually. And did the Aussies wallop those Proteas? No, they didn’t. They actually got their behinds handed to them on a very dusty plate – exactly the way it should be! Great effort Gary and the Boys – worthy of that #1 spot in the world!!

And then of course there was the kids’ Christmas do at the school the other evening: we were all VERY excited as Santa Clause was visiting!! I thought it strange that he would come this early, but judogirl explained everything to me. Wee man and I just couldn’t contain ourselves; Peanut had no clue, she was just happy because there were swings!

The teachers had the poor kids singing songs but wee man, true to form, just mimed and snapped his fingers while he and I kept our eyes peeled for any signs of the fat man. Judogirl told him he was going to get a present for sleeping in his own bed for a whole week (yeah, I STILL get relegated to the couch or spare room on many nights by the kung-fu kids – yes, even while they sleep!). He managed it! And I am proud to say the logical-reasoning-gene is healthy and strong in that one: “Dad, I think you’re getting a present ‘cause you slept in your own bed too,” he exclaimed.

True as eggnog, Santa eventually arrived…

I must admit I did feel sorry for the bloke – he’s not looking himself this year. Me thinks the global recession has even hit the North pole... Santa’s lost weight. Lots of weight. And he’s shorter somehow. And his laugh is raspy: none of that jolly Ho-Ho-Ho stuff… it was more of a hee-hee-howzit-dude kinda thing… AND he didn’t bring me anything!
I’ve told judogirl we’re leaving a BIG BOX of cookies under our tree when he comes back later this month. And a chocolate. Maybe even a pack of biltong – although the Reindeer could frown upon that... Judogirl patted my hand softly and asked me not to speak to any of the other parents… think she thought the emotion would overcome me… bless her. But the poor bloke…

Anyway, apart from that all I can report is that I need to get to that lunch now. Thanks to the contributors....... the very FEW contributors this week. It's about kids (again), a couple of gals working, lawyers and our millionaires joking. Something of equine nature and why parents shouldn't text. My pick of the week focuses on wisdom and words to live by.

Hope you have a grand week - we'll chat again next week!

Kids and Religion
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Lawyers... we all know one
The two partners from a small law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them looked alarmed.
He announced, "I have to go back to the office right away! I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

Women in construction
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work for a construction crew. One day, they were on their lunch break, sitting on a beam thirty stories high.
“I dread lunch!” said the blonde. “Do you know I’ve had to endure exactly the same lunch every day for the last 6 months? It’s infuriating!”
“Me too!” wailed the redhead. “I can’t stand another day of facing a peanut butter and jam sandwich!”
“Wow, I agree – I just can’t stand facing the same lunch. Aaargh!” exclaimed the brunette.
They agreed if they opened their lunchboxes and found the same lunch, they would all hurl themselves off the beam (as girls do...)
The next day, the police are investigating the scene where the three women fell. When the police told the husbands the reason for their wives throwing themselves to their death, the brunette and the redhead's husbands both said, "If I had known, I would have given her something different."
The blonde's husband said, "Don't look at me, she packed her own lunch."

Horse play


Confucius says…

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

He who put face in punch bowl, get punch in nose.

Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Why parents shouldn’t text


It’s different when uber-millionaires joke…


Pick of the Week

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people – He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.