- He’s been raptured (remember, that bloke has a direct line upstairs – big red telephone right there in his house. I’ve seen it!);
- He knew about the 11:11 GMT thing and went to town on the church’s grape juice; or
- He was busy.
Apocalypse Now or Apocalypse Not, Nostradamus and my Mayan Calendar chiselling friend could definitely back me up on this: it’s Christmas day on Tuesday! The kids are stoked: the lights are up, the decorations are flying, the dog’s got his Reindeer horns on, and I have yet to get judogirl something nice… any suggestions?
No need to thank me – I aim to serve!
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die someday and none of us really know when. But if we did, we would probably all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”
A gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house.”
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, trying to fathom the wisdom of his statement. The group leader finally asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
He answered “Because that’ll make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!”
Four blokes are having a beer, discussing the meaning of life (as blokes often do) and how they would be remembered. So one friend turns to the others and says: “Only in the end, when you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, will you know what the real meaning of life was. What would you want to hear them say about you?”
The other three friends nodded while this profound statement slowly settled upon them.
So the first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!”
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
The kids all have their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBMA - Covered by Medical Aid
CUATMC - See You at the Medical Centre
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing....Can't get Up!
PSU – Please Speak Up
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can't lie to you,” he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said and they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here, have this.” he said to the statue. “I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”