It's (Apocalypse) Friday!

Ola all,

 

The Apocalypse is just about upon me, so I’m writing as fast as I can – have no idea when this event is supposed to happen. There is something going around about 11:11 UK time… which I assume would mean Greenwich Time… oooh, just imagine people’s reaction in Greenwich today if a boiler bursts or a bus backfires at the stroke of 11:11 (GMT)… WOW!

 

If they’re right, it allows me just enough time to grab lunch!

 

However, things could already have gone awry without me noticing: it’s Pastor Bob’s birthday today. I’ve phoned – he hasn’t answered……

 

That got me assuming stuff. I assumed one of two things:

1. He’s been raptured (remember, that bloke has a direct line upstairs – big red telephone right there in his house. I’ve seen it!);
2. He knew about the 11:11 GMT thing and went to town on the church’s grape juice; or
3. He was busy.

 

Yes, I know I said “one of two things” but I just thought about that third one while writing and I don‘t have the time to go back and correct grammar and stuff – GMT is approaching FAST!!!

 

Talking of time (and birthdays): it’s the wee man’s birthday tomorrow – jeepers, can you believe it’s been 4 years ALREADY – and he wants a watch. I got a great deal on a Mayan watch at a local shop. However, while wrapping the present this morning the watch suddenly stopped…!

 

President Putin (yes, of Russia) told his people that the world will definitely not end today. He indicated that he knew exactly when the world would come to an end and it will indeed happen in about 4,5million years from now. That managed to calm the Russians because as every Russian knows: if you can’t believe your politicians, who the heck can you believe?

 

All I know is that it’ll happen – one day. Any day between now and President Putin’s prediction (gotta love the ‘p’ ‘p’ ‘p’ right there – try saying that three times fast before the world ends). It might even happen while I si

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, car backfired in the street – had to change my shorts.

Apocalypse Now or Apocalypse Not, Nostradamus and my Mayan Calendar chiselling friend could definitely back me up on this: it’s Christmas day on Tuesday! The kids are stoked: the lights are up, the decorations are flying, the dog’s got his Reindeer horns on, and I have yet to get judogirl something nice… any suggestions?

 

Santa got myself.....uhm, me... Santa got me surround sound… 4 years ago! But because the wee man didn’t like the noise while he was feeding – and all through his current, young, developing life – I have never been able to use it. So I’m ripping that box come hell, or high water… or volcanoes, or meteorites, or fire-breathing dragons – oooh, anyone seen the Hobbit movie yet?

 

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of shorts: they’re back! So without further ado, I leave you with this week’s giggles – they could be just that, or conversation starters around a make-shift fire while searching for food and shelter amongst other survivors…

No need to thank me – I aim to serve!

 

This week we’ll look at what to do when the end is near and how to cheat on your wife. Confucius has to be back for the Chinese New Year and leaves us with some parting words. After my recent expose on why parents shouldn’t text, a couple of techno oldies supplied me with texting genius. Then the shorts, and my Pick of the Week.

 

Thanks for reading and good luck with what lies ahead. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas filled with joy, health and happiness, and good cheer. Drive safe and live life to the full – ‘cause you never know when it’ll end (cue violins…)

 

 

Planning the end
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die someday and none of us really know when. But if we did, we would probably all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”
Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”
A gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”
“Very good!” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”
“That”s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house.”
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, trying to fathom the wisdom of his statement. The group leader finally asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”
He answered “Because that’ll make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!”

 

 

And at the end…
Four blokes are having a beer, discussing the meaning of life (as blokes often do) and how they would be remembered. So one friend turns to the others and says: “Only in the end, when you’re in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, will you know what the real meaning of life was. What would you want to hear them say about you?”
The other three friends nodded while this profound statement slowly settled upon them.
So the first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of children.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…….LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!!!!!”

 

 

Confucius say…

 

 

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose

 

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time

 

When man bring wife flowers for no reason, there usually reason

 

Confucius say too much

 

Confucius say bye-bye

 

 

 

 

Shorts

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet: 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'

 

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'OK, where is he then?'

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

 

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK, you're ugly as well.'

 

 

When oldies text
The kids all have their little SMS codes...like BFF, WTF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
CBMA - Covered by Medical Aid
CUATMC - See You at the Medical Centre
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing....Can't get Up!
PSU – Please Speak Up
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTP - Where's the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin in!.

 

 

My Mayan friend

 

 

 

 

Wednesday afternoon…
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can't lie to you,” he replied, “I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again!”

 

 

Pick of the Week
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said and they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here, have this.” he said to the statue. “I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”