It's (pre-Apocalyptic) Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday, and from what I hear this may have to be the second to last instalment of this particular publication. Or the last. Not sure yet. With the imminent apocalypse in the offing and no clear indication of whether it’ll be a morning or afternoon type event, I’m uncertain whether it’ll allow me enough time to get a final instalment out next week before…uhm…whatever happens. So we’re kinda winging it…

Now for those of you who are not so in tune with what’s what, the Mayans (an ancient developed culture who built phenomenal cities and temples, waterways and shopping malls……. in Mexico) developed a calendar that ended on December 21st, 2012. Yip, that’s next week.

This has sparked world-wide speculation that the end – the real end – may indeed be nigh.

Me, being the eternal realist (the glass is half), I view the possibilities as follows:

1)  The Mayan Calendarer (yes, that is my name for the Mayan bloke who sat with hammer and chisel working on the big black rock calendar thingy) broke his final chisel immediately after completing the date 2012/12/21, and while on his way to Mayan Builders Warehouse was hit by a bus… Nobody else had a clue how to work the calendar but reckoned that some other smart Mayan bloke with a chisel would figure it out before they eventually got to 2012/12/21. The “thing” was therefore shoved behind the shed and then one day, unfortunately, the Mayans disappeared – all of them. So we’re getting very excited about a rock behind a shed and nothing much is going to happen that isn’t possibly going to happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or in May 2013……;

OR

2)  The Mayans were right and we have a week to live it up like there’s no tomorrow!

It’s gonna happen at some stage – yip – but I’m not quite sure when.

There are however publications out there who have it on “good authority” that the prophecies foretell it:

“…residents are preparing for the worst, many saying that the Mayan apocalypse was foretold by Nostradamus, a prophecy which is clearly audible if you play ‘Sugar Man’ by Rodriguez backwards…”

Government has swooped on the opportunity of scoring some points with the public:

“…the Education Department has confirmed that it will announce this year’s Matric results on December 22, the day after the world ends. Spokesman Deemaz Pett added: “It’s going to be so nice not having any whiny DA killjoys around to question why every single learner in the country has achieved 43 distinctions.”

On the economic front, the Apocalypse could just be the solution to the global economic crises everybody's been waiting for:

“… this morning, consumer advisor Tata Shabinga van Rooyen urged shoppers to be on the lookout for pre-apocalypse bargains: “Just because a giant demigod with the head of a snake and the feet of an eagle is going to rise up out of the sea and obliterate us all, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get the best deals,” she said, adding that sales of 2013 diaries were currently “sluggish” and that shoppers should try to haggle prices down…”

Even our beloved Pres is getting involved:

“The ANC has confirmed that Jacob Zuma is looking forward to the apocalypse. An aide for the President commented: “He’s going to be riding it out in his bunker at Nkandla. We’re under strict instructions to keep him limber and hydrated in case he needs to repopulate the planet afterwards. He’s been practicing these last few years, and he’s pretty stoked!”

Another, more local, publication ran the following comments:

“…with only 8 shopping days left before the world ends in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar, many holidaymakers are leaving Gauteng early to beat the pre-apocalypse rush to Cape Town…” (I saw them! And they caused traffic!! It was horrible!!!)

“Cape Town residents however say they are not particularly worried about the end of the world, as they experience an apocalypse every December when visitors from Gauteng start arriving: “It’s pretty much straight out of a Mayan prophecy,” said resident K.P. Oake. “These creatures arrive and start stomping around our city: boiled red like lobsters, gigantically fat, with nasty pork-sausage toes bursting out of crocs, wearing Springbok jerseys and board-shorts instead of real clothes. Utter obliteration will be kind of a blessing, really.”

International publications have headlines prepared for December 22nd, in anticipation of the event:

-USA Today:    WE'RE DEAD

-The Wall Street Journal:    DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

-Microsoft Systems Journal:    APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

-Victoria's Secret Catalog:    OUR FINAL SALE

-Sports Illustrated:    GAME OVER

-Wired:    THE LAST NEW THING

-Rolling Stone:    THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

-National Enquirer:    O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

-Playboy:    GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

-Readers Digest:    BYE

-Discover Magazine:    HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT

THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

-Lady's Home Journal:    LOSE 10 LBS BY NEW YEAR’S EVE WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

-America Online:    SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

-Inc. magazine:    TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

-Microsoft's Web Site:    IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Other than that I suppose it’s business as usual. Thank you to the contributors (including Hayibo – first contribution), and to you the reader for bearing with this.

With a view on the end, this week features a view from the past and something about a real live pilot. Confucius is a wise… man and says parents shouldn’t text. The millionaires are gone but we investigate when it's appropriate to use the f-word. And finally, I am happy to announce that the Irish, once again, feature as my Pick of the Week. Thanks for that one Sharkbait!

Hope you have a grand week… it could be your last!

Good luck and ENJOY!

The way it was…

Pilots wing it

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, and all kinds of planes. Flew a B-29 in WWII and a Sabre later in the Korean conflict. Taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes, I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Confucius say…

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

Don't eat snow where huskies go

Why parents shouldn’t text

Even the big names used it (some appropriate uses of the F-word):

"Any f***ing idiot could understand that."    - Einstein

"What the f*** was that bang?"    - Mayor Of Hiroshima

"Where the f*** are we?"    - Amelia Earhart

"It does so f***ing look like her!"    - Leonardo da Vinci

"How the f*** did you work that out?"    - Pythagoras

"Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?"    - General Custer

"Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!"    - Noah

Pick of the Week

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women were entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'