August 17, 2012

It's Friday! (Aug1712)

Ola all,

Yes it’s Friday, although to me it kinda feels like a Wednesday, but in a good way. I was the lucky winner of a 3-day working week this week! Yip, I turned 40 and judogirl took it upon herself to surprise me with quite a few surprises. You may know this about me: I hate surprises!

Surprisingly though, most of these surprises were very much like any other surprise judogirl manages to throw at me from time to time – very stressful! (if you think I’m trying to be funny, you’ve obviously never read “All is fair...”)

The one very spectacular surprise though was our first ever night away from the kids… phenomenal! First night I've slept through in years… seriously! There were some other surprises too, but I won’t bore you with the details….

Chatted to my long-time friend, Tin Roof (another story) the other day - seems he ALSO had a surprise: received a call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if he was still around. Apparently they lost track of time as they chatted about the wild, romantic times they used to enjoy together.
He couldn't believe it when she asked if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", he said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure he would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah," he said "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging. My teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told him to stop being so silly. She teased him saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure he would still be a great lover.
“Anyway,” she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So of course he told her to get lost and smashed the phone down.

But enough about our surprises – this week it’s about current financial terminology (to assist in those times when spare cash is abundant and you feel the urge to give it to some blokes in suits…), there's a bit about polls and Poles, two cartoons, something about taking a shower (although Jacob Zuma doesn't feature) and my Pick of the Week.

Have a good weekend!

Of polls and surveys – we all love them…
A recent international survey turned into a miserable debacle as months of work and development was flushed down the tubes due to the developers’ ignorance toward various cultural factors:
The question posed was "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Financial Terms in the current economic Meltdown
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
BROKER -- What my financial advisor made me
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.



JZ’s favourite pastime…

How to shower like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner (enhanced formula).
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed – shoot socks across the room and leave clothes in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her while making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee while scratching your bum, again.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off, or drip dry.
Admire the size of your willy in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound.
Leave wet towel next to pile of clothes on floor. Or on bed – doesn’t matter.

And today’s Pick of the Week:

A Polish immigrant went to the OPTICIAN to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
“Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy!"

No comments:

Post a Comment