September 21, 2012

It's Friday! (Sep2112)

Ola all,

It’s a rainy Friday and the long weekend lies ahead. The Boks aren’t playing – again. They haven’t played for a while. The Bulls did however… against the All Blacks (lost), against Griquas (lost) and against the Sharks (although in jumpers resembling those of Western Province)… and yip, they lost there too.

Apart from that, nothing much happened this week so I had to read the news. There are some really good bits going around: like Princess Kate’s bits. The ones she let hang out in public. Gotta love that! Not the bits – I’ve seen better – but the fact that any other girl who goes to the beach (or the South of France) and drops her top, does so voluntarily. Some people may stare and others may take pictures, but the girl does it out of her own free will, so I’m sure she doesn’t complain… or ask for compensation.

However, if you’re Princess Kate’s husband (or mother-in-law), you expect anyone who looks or takes pictures to pay… where’s the logic? (I wonder whether they were taxed on that…)

I sent the Royal Hindnesses my suggestion: “keep your top on, or stop complaining!”
I haven’t heard from them but there’s been a suspicious car and men in dark suits following me since…

Closer to home, judogirl complained that I didn’t do anything to take her breath away…..
so I binned her asthma pump. I think that might do it.

This week we look at surgery. There’s a few shorts and Little Larry is back after a successful debut last week. My mother, not one easily to be mistaken for a tech-junkie, is often confused by anything relating to the internet. In order to assist, we take a historic view on where the internet came from… I’m sure she’d love it – probably knew some of the okes who started it all. There's a comic of something that actually happened in my house this week... and my Pick of the Week comes from some old Chinese bloke.

Thanks to this week’s contributors from far and wide: Sharkbait, FisioFred, friend Moonstone, and the Law Man.

Have a good one!

Surgery by the book:
Five surgeons were discussing who the best patients were to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think Librarians are the best - everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”
The fifth surgeon observed dryly, “You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no balls, no brains, no heart, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they are interchangeable.”

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that - 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Och, NO!" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid....... then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero. The other an instruction.

I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
He said "I would like to come back as a pig."
I said "You're obviously not listening."

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”

The History of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com took unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land, and indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as Geek's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

So there you have it Mom.


Pick of the Week:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

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