It's Friday! (Jul2712)

Ola all,

Sorry this came out so late, but I was on the phone with the mother-in-law: she was very excited about a special offer she read about – seems the local Bargain Shoppe is having a SALE…

I have asked her to apply to Google Maps for a job, because if there’s a special offer ANYWHERE, she’ll find it!

Anyhoo, it’s been an absolutely spectacular sporting week for us South Africans (unless you’re a Barbie Bulls supporter): the Sharks played one of their best games of the season to beat the Reds in Brisbane to make it to the Super Semi-final. Ernie Els took the British Open 10 years after his previous Open victory at Muirfield (judogirl and I were very fortunate to walk the course with him that day, although the only thing judogirl can remember is that her bum froze off – girls, sjeesh!), and then the Proteas go crown it by walloping the English by an innings….. and 12 runs!! What a week.

And now the Olympics are in town (if you live in London)!

It’s going to be in the news for days and weeks to come, and in that spirit today’s edition contains other newsworthy articles from newspapers across the globe...

There’s the customary shorts, something about ugly babies, the Scots (of course), and the pick of the week from the Law Man (with reference to the Medicine Man).

Hope you enjoy!

In the news…

The Star (Johannesburg)

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."

Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere.

At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

San Francisco Chronicle (and various other UK publications):

“Mitt Romney is perhaps the only politician who could start a trip that was supposed to be a charm offensive by being utterly devoid of charm and mildly offensive,” wrote the London Telegraph in a commentary.

Romney backers said the wave of negative press didn’t concern the campaign. “We’re not worried about overseas headlines.”

Romney intended to show voters at home that though he has little diplomatic experience, he could be a credible commander in chief. He volunteered to reporters that he had met with officials from MI6. His admission broke with the traditional British protocol of keeping meetings with the Secret Intelligence Service secret.

waynnesworld

US Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, visiting the UK on a carefully choreographed campaign to boost his foreign-policy credentials, turned on the charm by putting his foot in his mouth – a feat worthy of Olympic glory!

The Herald (Harare, Zimbabwe)

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers.

It was three days later when suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

Shorts:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

''I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.''

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

I tried water polo, but my horse drowned.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Paternoster, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

Just a wee bit…

Big Jimmy, an extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. *

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

Jimmy dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said Jimmy, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested Jimmy date one of the other girls; so Jimmy went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," Jimmy replied, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did and the next morning Jimmy rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away and months later the bairn was born.

When Jimmy visited the nursery he was horrified: the bairn was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

*I have a friend who had a similar quest – please read “Friends”

My Pick of the Week:

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example: the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxe, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen, etc.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer also announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.