July 06, 2012

It's Friday! (Jul0612)

Ola all,

Today it’s mostly about golf – probably because I haven’t played any in about 3 months and I need a fix. Other than that, there’s not much to report. The contributions have dried up though, which makes me think most of you need to get out and golf too….. or does it mean you are? You lucky sods!

As a new feature I will be including a few one-liners for a few weeks: they’re taken from a list voted the 50 funniest jokes ever – the list was compiled by researchers and then voted for by very many people… apparently. I do believe beer may have been involved. Therefore, if (like me) you are going to have to spend some time explaining these to jud…… anyone, have a beer or two beforehand – I’m SURE that’ll help.

Thanks to the Lawman for his several contributions.


We’re all getting there…
An irate customer called the newspaper office, loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone before the caller muttered: "Well, that explains why no one was at church either…"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed… I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Gotta love the caddies:
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course sir . . . we left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Pick of the week:
The golfer finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy, "Can you see any obvious problems…?"
“Yip,” replied the caddy "there's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face.
"No sir,” the caddie quips “it's at the other end."

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