June 29, 2012

It's Friday! (Jun2912)

Ola all,

Well judogirl’s gone – left me with two kids, a mortgage and a sick dog…

I got this pain in my shoulder and knew I had to see the doctor. He asked me what I did, so I told him:
"Well, I almost through myself off a cliff, waded across the edge of a lake, almost stepped on a snake in the heavy bush, marched up and down hills and valleys, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of mud, sand, and creeks, and jumped away from an aggressive crocodile."
Inspired by my story, the doctor said.... "You must be an awesome outdoors man?"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a terrible golfer."

However, my health and happiness shouldn’t stand in the way of you receiving your giggles. Judogirl will probably be back Sunday… noonish. If the flight’s not delayed – we’re picking her up from the airport then.
This week it’s about how you get to Heaven from Scotland, drinking in Scotland, and being lucky.... very, very lucky.

Oh, pick of the week is actually a pic of the week…… babydoll – best ever!! Thanks as always!

Scottish Sunday School
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
“NO!” the children answered again.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Yu got tae be f*%in' dead"

Happy Hour
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Edinburgh. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 pence'.
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old barman says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour you a drink! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ordered a pint of bitter. In short order, the bartender serves up four pints of bitter and says, 'That'll be 10 pence each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 pence, finish their pints, and order another round.
Again, four excellent pints are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 pence, please.' They pay the 40 pence, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two pints and so far they have spent less than a pound.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve pints as good as these for 10 pence each?'
'Well, I'm a retired tailor from Nottingham,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for £125million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 pence ......wine, spirits, beer, it's all the same.'
'Wow! That's quite a story', says one of the men.
The four of them guzzled at their pints and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the barman, 'What's the story with those blokes?"
The barman says, 'Oh, those guys, they're all retired coalminers from Manchester. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.”

Luck of the Irish:
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed...

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

And my pic of the week:

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