June 15, 2012

It's Friday! (Jun1512)

Yes it is! And may I say, I think there’s too much rugby on nowadays – it’s starting to rub off on our women and that spoils the fun for me. Last night after watching another match I got a bit carried away: jumped into bed, looked at judogirl in her wondrous frillies and said: "Crouch. Touch. Paaaaause…. Engage!"
She said: “No advantage. Hands off, roll away, stay on your feet!"

At least at work I had an interesting question posed: this guy wanted to know how many times he could use his Life Insurance policy…
“Use it?”
“Yeah, to come back from the dead an’all, you know?”
My answer was obvious: “Well, it all depends on how you structure your policy and what your view is on cows…”

Enough about me – today it’s about Italians, the Irish (of course) and a few short classics – some have been around for a while, but it’s always good to have these when you’re sharing a beer with your mates…before the rugby. Thanks to the lawman and the medicine-man for all their contributions this week – you guys must’ve been on holiday.


Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.

The Irish:
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that &#@% basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she’s really dead?"
Paddy: "Done. What next?”

The shorts:
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think "I'm having that!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest "one" she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

They had a quiz at the pub last night – I lost by one point: The question was “Where do women mostly have curly hair?” Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

My pick of the week:
A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
"Can you tell them apart?" I asked.
"Yeah, it’s easy” he replied “her brother's got a moustache."

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