COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
June 22, 2012
It's Friday! (Jun2212)
Quite peculiar that I start with rugby again, but hey, with so many rugby Internationals all over the place and the Northern hemisphere taking a proper klap left, right and England, it’s only appropriate to relay bits of helpful and uplifting news to their supporters at home. Like the following snippet from the “Daily Telegraph pole”:
Leading up to the third and final test this coming Saturday, suffering from a few rugby lessons at the hands of the Springboks, the England rugby squad took time out on Tuesday to visit an orphanage in Soweto:
"It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces, facing the future with no hope,' said Sipho, aged six.
And of course I mentioned the absolute week of all-things-horrible last week… yeah, well I ran away and applied for another job – much less pressure. I am now the friendly voice on the other end of the Lifeline Crises Centre! After some rigorous training over the first few days I eventually had to “take a call”:
The distressed caller said he was lying on the railway track and a train was rapidly approaching.
I asked him his name (according to the book – full marks).
He said his name was Julius, but his friends called him “JuJu”.
I told him to remain calm and stay on the line....
So I’m looking for a job again…
But don’t worry about me, you enjoy the local wildlife, a few British line adverts and something about a cowboy, and have a good weekend!
A blonde in the bushveld:
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Nelspruit. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3-metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out...
'SH!T, SH!T, SH!T. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!!'
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 neighbour's sneaky dog.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed – got married – wife knows everything.
And at school:
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe to you, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....?
TEACHER: Now Simon, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom’s a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Pick of the week:
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago'
Ag, and just a little bonus for those of you who don’t quite know who JuJu is:
Julius Malema stated yesterday: “I want the people of South Africa to treat me the same way they treated Nelson Mandela”
Evita Bezuidenhout immediately responded: “What a great idea. Let’s start with 27 years in jail."