June 01, 2012

It's Friday! (01Jun12)

Ola all,

Friday yet again. And June. Jeepers, we must be having fun!
Close call for this week’s pick between a lion tamer and two other okes, but I’ll start with a funny personal story:
I walked into a bar last night, which is strange because it wasn't all that dark out there.....
Then I went to a pub. Inside there were two burly girls drinking at the counter. I noticed that they had strange accents so I asked them: "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?"
One of them screamed at me: "It's Wales you idiot, Wales!"
So I immediately apologised and said: "are you two whales from Scotland?"
(These tourists really get into it, don’t you think? June in Hermanus, after all, IS whale season. Gotta love those Scots!)

A CNN photographer gets a scoop on some raging mountain fires and gets approval to charter a flight. He uses his cell phone to call the local airport to make the hasty arrangements. He’s told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spots a plane warming up outside a hanger, raring to go.
He jumps in with his bag, slams the door shut, and shouts, 'Let's go!!'
The pilot taxies out, swings the plane into the wind and takes off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructs the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asks the pilot.
'Because I'm the photographer for CNN,' he responds, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'
The pilot is strangely silent for a moment, but finally stammers, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment – a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor..
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer stretches his arms, cracks his knuckles, creaks his neck, and replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

And my pick of the week (thanks Pastor Bob):
Two guys in Woolworths bump into each other’s shopping carts by accident.
First guy: “Oh, I’m so sorry mate. I didn’t see you there. I’m so busy looking for my wife.”
Second guy: “What a coincidence, I seem to have lost mine too.”
First guy: “Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”
Second guy: “She’s tall, lean, with long blonde hair, long legs with beautiful calves. Biggish, firm breasts, and the cutest tight little bottom. What does your wife look like?”
First guy: “Never mind, let’s just find yours!!”

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