March 04, 2010

A visit to Cairo

Today was like a visit to Cairo – glad to have had it, overwhelmed by the experience of it, and happy to leave it far behind, hopefully never to have it again!

It was scorching, never ending, everlasting, fire and brimstone with absolutely no point to it whatsoever – almost like the second Star Wars movie. The only difference was that the hero in this plot had the endurance of an Alaskan Glacier, the patience of a fire cracker, and the voice of a Basutu pig being slaughtered with a can opener – all of which is quite impressive when the hero wears superabsorbent diapers and stands about two feet tall in his little booties (this is technically incorrect because he has never tolerated a bootie, shoe or sock on his feet for the entire 426 days of his existence on this Death Star, better known to us mere mortals as Earth).

Yes, yes, I’m exaggerating slightly for effect – HA! You’d think! It was dreadful! It was like everything I said above but squashed together, sitting in a tin-can (howzit Major Tom!) with the screams and echoes amplified by Sony Dolby Surround Sound (Live the Experience!). Sjeesh, I more than lived it – I almost #@%^&* killed it!

You might think, what could have been this bad? My answer to you is: did you NOT read what I said above: glacier, fire cracker, Basutu pig, can opener, tin-can, Sony Dolby Surround Sound (Live the Experience!)?

That Obama dude in the fancy big white house wants to fight terrorism. I’ve emailed him my home address! Fear of imprisonment – what, me? I’m harboring a terrorist – I admit it! Now please, Mother of Pearl, take me away, lock me up, give me the peace and quiet of an overcrowded Pollsmoor prison cell!

It was supposed to be a simple trip, about 350km in total – one that this little family has done various times before. A trip that has a certain rhythm and predictability to it: Mom and Dad discuss the past few days while the sweet little angel in the back goo-goo-ga-ga’s until he falls asleep, leaving the loving parents to stare fondly and with pride at the little bundle of wonderfulness they have gifted this world.

But this didn’t happen – the little angel decided to improvise. The little angel decided to run his own show. The little angel turned into a volcano in a tumble drier, contained (restrained more like) only by the straps of his little car seat (which I installed lovingly and with patience on several, separate occasions!)

And of course there’s a reason for all of this… if you know it, please let him know because he has absolutely no idea and he has us stumped, baffled and in despair!

Sleep – HA! That’s for babies. I’m gonna sit here, and I’m gonna scream at the top of my voice – for four hours straight – and there’s not a thing you can do about it! Gimme water – Whaaaa! Gimme toy – Whaaa! Move my chair – Whaaa! Gimme marshmallow egg – yum-yum-yum-yum – Whaaaaaaaaaa!!! Next?

Let’s ignore him…. hee-hee-hee, nice try.

Whaaahaaahaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (remember the glacier thing?)

I would welcome Chinese water torture – seven days a week! It would be a holiday!

But four hours of that non-stop wailing –harsh enough to strip paint – got to me. I realized this when I found myself chewing the steering wheel, foam bubbling out of my flaring nostrils, going 140km/h through a winding mountain pass in dense mist – the little terrorist staring at me in the mirror going whaa-haa-oo-oo-oo-vroom-vroom!

We got home – somehow. The end might just be in sight. HA!!

Because the little angel didn’t sleep, he felt that he’d lost out. How could he compensate? Wha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Shower, dummy, diaper, bottle, soother, blanky!

Sing, bounce, read, play, pat, plead, pray!

Uhm..yum…oom yoom..thp-thp….


I normally drink two beers a day – as I type I am guzzling down my third and there’s no guarantee that it’ll end there.

I haven’t blinked for six hours and my teeth feel cracked. My toenails have curled backwards and I believe I might now be into polka music.

Mom’s done some magic and by grace, luck, foreign deity, indigenous stump of dried wood or clump of wool, and all that is holy, the little monster eventually fell asleep after a marathon that left him dehydrated like a Safari raisin – at half past nine! Precisely an hour after we had stumbled aimlessly through our neighborhood’s darkened streets with the little terror in his stroller and the dog who was happy to be out, but nervously aware of the distinct possibility of being eaten alive by the monster wrapped so tightly in his (much too thin) little blanket!

Three beers can calm one down. I need three more.

Today was rough. Today was epic. Today was a day to compare all other days to. Today is over and gone.

And there he lies asleep… so sweet.

Daddy loves you my boy!

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