November 30, 2012

It's (a final Movember) Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, it’s Friday (well it is while I’m typing – when you read this, time could actually, and inexplicably, have moved on) and I’ve been quite busy. I’m still busy. It’s been a busy week. Full of busyness, so to speak. However, while efficiently utilising time relative to the results achieved while utilising lots of time in doing it, a natural realisation dawned upon me that I may have bent the truth just a wee tad last week when I said “nothing really exciting actually happened…”

Quite a few things actually happened that I never lighted upon…

If you’re wondering where this language is coming from, wonder no more: I recently renewed my poetic licence! Worth every penny.

Back to things happening:
Firstly, the Reserve Bank threw me a curveball by releasing new bank notes into circulation while I was sunning my buns in the bushveld. The first I knew about them was when a new R20-bill was propped in my hand as change at a toll gate… (thing about toll gates: no time to argue!). I drove off feeling slightly cheated and totally confused – distinctly uncomfortable with the “foreign 20” in my possession and thinking of ways to get rid of it while staying out of Pollsmoor Prison.
At the first fuel station I used it to purchase a couple of litres – adding a little something to the attendant to sweeten the deal.
Short note: in considering my options to test the “blatant counterfeit”, my obvious choices for expert cash handlers fell between petrol pump attendant and traffic official… I chose the petrol attendant – no need to upset a traffic official during a “delicate negotiation”, eh?.... we do live in South Africa after all!

As I handed him a fistfull of do.... fistfull of notes, I waited, breath bated (question: does that mean my breath smells of anchovies, or I’m gonna catch something with it?), while closely monitoring his expression… My plan proved prudent when I saw his face contort as he noticed the “alien” among its older (and more familiar) friends. I was about to turn and run when a wide grin broke over his face as he exclaimed: “Eish, this new Madiba money catches me out – every time!”
So, we have new money – that’s something.

Oh, and even before that something else happened: while still IN the bushveld, Peanut, our wee gal, got bit by a snake (this is South Africa, after all… or did I say that already somewhere?) – right on the foot! In a bit of a panic I picked up the little one and we rushed off to the doctor… how fortunate that it happened in the ONLY camp where a medical practitioner has rooms… They dropped everything when they heard our news, rushing our bewildered party through reception, past the waiting throngs of two individuals, and immediately started an examination: they looked, palpated, and listened. They mouth-to-mouthed, listened, resuscitated, and listened again… A push here, a prod there, a few injections and we were told to wait… and watch… and hope…
But alas, they just couldn’t save that poor snake!
That’s gotta count for something, don’t you think?

Africa’s a tough country – definitely NOT for sissies! And that little girl is proving to be a carbon copy of her mother – tough and true! A mini-judogirl!

And then…
Wanting to feature somehow, I thought judogirl would appreciate a manly gesture - akin to Kingsley Holgate conquering the great Sahara - on foot! So I organised to collect a bakkie-load of the best Rooikrans braai wood the Western Cape has to offer. At a VERY reasonable price. Extremely reasonable. My "connection" "connected" me with a "supplier" (this licence thing is magic - how else can you get away with using so many of those "" thingies?). They led the way into the sandy wilderness with an instruction to meet them "at the top of the hill" – that statement was as broad as a politician’s promise. But I wasn’t concerned – I was driving "The Beast"! A 3.5litre rough-n-tough, go-where-you-want, beast of a bakkie with BF Goodridges allround. They pitched up with battered and broken rust-buckets running on 3 cylinders slowly drifting over the sandy terrain.

I’m not going to bore you with details…... No, I’m not..... Stop asking….!

OK, in short: I got stuck. Tried digging myself out. Got stuck more. They dragged me out. The end. See? Nothing happened.

And later that day the Springboks, against all odds and logic,  managed to trounce the English… by a single point. A trouncing nevertheless.

And while we’re talking about the Poms, it’s a very closely-guarded secret that I don’t have much gumption for the monarchy and what they actually do… or don’t do… or what they… eish, who again? Anyhoo, this week, I happened upon a recent correspondence which I thought quite impressive, thoughtful, and generous. It coming from the top Royal Hindness herself made it even more spectacular. It was a recent communication sent to the USA after their most recent elections. Fascinating reading:

To the citizens of the United States of America

from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (Please look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side of the road with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed, not with catsup, but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen! *

*from this face I think that's more of an instruction than a request...

And then Movember has all but run its course: 30 days of stubble accumulated on my upper lip, and I am VERY glad to report that “Wilkinson Sword” does indeed NOT refer to a child’s birthday party. If you do not know what I’m talking about, it is blatantly obvious you didn’t read last week’s blog, or you have the memory of a carrot…. and with the world’s population currently in excess of 6 gazillion-trillion-million and the blog not receiving that many hits I can safely assume you didn’t……… go read it.

Tomorrow the Mo’s gonna go! It’s been fun and for a very good cause – one close to my heart… well, about 30-40cm due south from my heart actually. However… it is time! It itches, it irritates, it irks… it MOVES!!!

One last look…

OK, so I’ve talked much and said nothing. For the rest it’s about a very scary 4 year old, a minx of a 16 year old, and a Chinese bloke who’s very old. A final look at brand power and the millionaires share a chuckle, and my Pick of the Week graciously supplied by Insta’Gran. Thanks also to friend moonstone, the Lawman, and of course babydoll. Pastor Bob had a very later entry, but it made it - thanks!

Hope you all have a grand week!

Kids… ‘nuf said
Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same. Forget about it, it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “but it’s far worse than that. The little *&#$%*# has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour, who babysits him every now and then, pregnant.”
"Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.
“It’s not,” said the man. "The little sod stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

Brand power (if big brands made condoms…)

Brand power ignored!
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." (title making sense now?)
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie's pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!

Confucius says...

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone

Man wrapped up in himself make very small package

Man who wear g-string high on crack

It's different when uber-millionaires joke…

Pick of the Week
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

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