and while on the subject of Colonoscopies...
November 16, 2012
It's (a Movember) Friday!
Yip, it’s Friday and I’m back from the bush! A wonderful time was had by all the animals and other invertebrates… and a few fish. For me though, one helluva trying time where potential rest and relaxation was replaced by quantity family time – read it again: quantity!! Yes, I love them, but by all that is good and holy, it was waaay too much time spent with the little critters crammed into a confined space for an extended period of time… I can go on, but suffice to say they were a handful… Jeepers! Judogirl and I have decided to run a lottery: anyone who’s interested in babysitting the kung-fu kids for the two weeks whenever next we manage to take a holiday can enter. So far the response hasn’t been overwhelming: apart from Ouma and Oupa (whom we entered against their will) we haven’t had any takers. It’s early days though – let me know if you’re interested: they’re really sweet little terrorists…
While all of this holidaying was going on, very many other things transpired and are in the process of transpiring as we speak – I really don’t know where to start… but I’ll try.
Firstly, my deepest and most sincere apologies – I’ve messed up BIGtime!! The entire October transpired without my mentioning the greatest event of every October:
South Africa’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition!
If you are of female persuasion you may have wondered why I have a shrine dedicated to this publication displayed prominently (and permanently) on this blog (if you are a male, you’ve never wondered nor cared, just appreciated and possibly applauded). There is, however, a very specific reason for this: the SASI Swimsuit Edition is the actual reason for this blog coming into being. I won’t go into it here, but you will find a link after the week’s pick.
Then there was the USA (well, it's still there... but you know what I mean): of storms big and small, political and otherwise.
Our thoughts with all those affected by Superstorm Sandy – wow, what a monster!!
Politics… I won’t go there – got nothing to do with me. However, a thought that I can’t shrug: A candidate’s dedication to serve the people, win or lose, can be directly determined by his efforts to serve said people during the term (4 years) following the election. Therefore, imagine the power and possibilities if both Presidential candidates could combine their efforts, influence and resources and dedicate themselves to a common cause. It will be interesting to see what happens…
And yes, this holds true for any democracy. Viva!
Other than that, it’s the middle of Movember where men from all over grow moustaches to raise awareness about prostate and testicular cancer. We have to! You see, even though testicular and prostate cancer is more common than breast cancer and more men die from the Big C, much more is known about breast cancer and there is more research on the topic. Apparently this is because breasts are discussed more openly and more often than testicles… fancy that!
I would therefore like to thank and congratulate very many of my friends and colleagues who contribute generously in this regard: your selfless sacrifice in (regularly) discussing this topic is very much appreciated.
To our wives and girlfriends: we do it because we care!
Thank you also to all the moustaches out there: male and female alike! It’s taken some effort, but I am proud to say mine is starting to look like Tom Selleck’s (on his 10th birthday)!
In short: I have nuts, balls, dingleberries, nads, Cracker Jacks – call them what you like – and I support any effort and research that’ll help me keep ‘em! (see how you can help by visiting www.movember.com for more on this topic)
There’s always more but I’m running out of space here, so let’s get on with the giggles sent to me by babydoll and friend Moonstone. It's about signs and Confucius is here to inspire with ancient wisdom. A drunk Irishman finds Jesus and, in keeping with the topic of Men’s Health while deviating from my usual shorts, a short story about one of those medical tests we men never discuss supplied by Farmer John from the land of Aus… brilliant!
It's grand to be back. Hope you have a lekker weekend!
Clever Business Signs
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
At an Optometrist’s Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment."
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Vet’s waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to have a leak."
Back of a Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution: this truck is full of Political Promises"
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
Man piss in wind, wind piss back
Pick of the Week:
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The Irishman proceeds into the water, inevitably bumping into the preacher…
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk Irishman shouts, "Yes, oi am!"
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The Irishman, slightly more sober, answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the Irishman, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Of Colonoscopies… and other medical marvels
(generously supplied by Dave Barry: a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald)
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, “HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP YOUR BEHIND!”
I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep...
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, “a loose, watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you haven’t even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, “What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.”
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse, named Eddie, put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.
I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
and while on the subject of Colonoscopies...
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!’
2. 'Found Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
10. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
My contribution to raising awareness about Men's Health - Nuts for the Soul
Also please read SASI SWIMSUIT EDITION – this blog owes it's existence to it!