It's pre-Friday!

Ola all,

Yip, pre-Friday, as in it's actually Thursday, but I can't go about nilly-willy changing the name on a weekly basis just because my timing stinks. However, seeing I’ll be spending most of Friday at 30,000 feet I thought I’d send you this early, therefore pre-Friday! Rather early than late, and rather late than never and all that jazz… or something to that effect. The clan is off to the bushveld: dust at dawn, sunstroke by tea, tick bite for fun, elephant stampede as entertainment, and mosquitoes all through the night… HEAVEN!!

Of course our holiday shouldn’t stand in the way of your weekly gaggle of giggles, but if it does… I don’t think it’ll bother me too much. I will however be thinking of you guys every day... well, I’ll try. But if I don’t manage it, I don’t think it’ll bother me too much… Look, I’ll try and write – honestly – so visit every now and then for an update or follow along on twitter… but if I don’t manage that… you get it, I’m sure.

Unfortunately I have to cut things short as I need to finalise the trip, i.e. go pack! Strange how things change eh? When “us” consisted of judogirl and me, packing for a two week holiday in the bushveld was easy:

2 x standard toothbrush

1 x standard bikini (that's for judogirl)

board shorts (optional)

t-shirts (optional)

flipflops

and we’re off – two minutes flat!!

But since the kung-fu-kids joined the clan, a two week holiday (or a trip to the mall) requires five weeks of planning, fitting, packing, repacking, financing, upgrading, crying, buying, and several trips to the psycholocologist.

So I’m off, leaving in my wake a few snippets sent to me by babydoll, friend moonstone and the Medicine Man (seeya soon, ol’ man). It’s about rugby, old age, and an ugly woman. There are free drinks and a Chinese guy. The Irish feature as this Week’s Pick.

Enjoy, and see you later… much later!!

ps: if you don't know where the bushveld is, the photo below will help...

Rugby down under…

Richie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down.

“What’s up guys?” he asks.

“Well Richie, to be honest we’re having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia. We know it’s important but we’ve just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let’s be honest, it’s only the Aussies this week. They’re crap and we simply can’t be bothered”.

Richie looks at them and says “Okay, I hear what you’re saying. The way I’ve been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don’t you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself”

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree.

So Richie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on. A huge cheer goes up as, 25 minutes into the game, the screen reads:

New Zealand 7 - Australia 0

So the beers keep flowing and the telly goes off - the game temporarily forgotten.

Suddenly someone remembers, “Heck guys, it must be full time now. How do you think Richie got on?”. They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly. There on the screen is the result:

Full-time from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (Try: McCaw, Conversion: McCaw) - Australia 7, (Try: Sharpe, Conversion: Cooper).

They can’t believe it – it’s a draw! Richie McCaw single-handedly managed a draw against the Wallabies!

Delighted, they rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

“I’ve let you down guys,” he mumbles disconsolately. “I’m so sorry, but I’ve really let you down.”

“Don’t be an idiot skipper, you got a draw against Australia, and that all by yourself. And you held them scoreless up to the 79th minute! That’s phenomenal!!”

“No, no, guys, I really let you down,” says Richie. “I hope you can forgive me. My lack of discipline let you all down… Five minutes from full time, I got sent off!”

The lady and the hat

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam… I do not intend to be forward but I think you should know your dress is blowing up in this high wind."

"Yes, I know," said the lady looking out over the waters. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any… um… panties and your… uhm… private bits are um… exposed!" said the gentleman blushing wildly.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”

Without blinking Larry replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network.”

Summer holiday

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Confucius say:

Man who sleep like baby does not have one

He who sleep on bed of nails is holy man

Man who sit on hot stove will rise again

Man who read woman like book prefer braille

The baker man can

Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He answered, "I'd like five loaves please."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! You know that by the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

"I can't believe it,” he replied. “Everybody knows about this shit but me!"

Reincarnation

Every Friday evening after work, Gamat would braai a big, fat juicy steak. But his neighbours, being Catholic and therefore not allowed to eat meat on a Friday, suffered agonies of temptation as the delicious aroma carried on the evening breeze.

They persuaded the priest to try and convert Gamat, and the priest was successful in doing so.

When Gamat attended mass, the priest sprinkled holy water over him and said: "You were born a Protestant. You were raised a Protestant. But now you are a Catholic."

Everybody was delighted, but when Friday night came, the wonderful aroma of grilled steak again wafted over the neighbourhood. The priest rushed into Gamat’s garden just in time to see him clutch a small bottle of holy water, sprinkling it over the grilling meat and chanting:

"Djou was born a cow. Djou was raised a cow. But now djou's a Tuna!"

Pick of the Week:

Sitting in a New York bar, a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Dundee, there's a wee place called The Pillars. The landlord, Big Ed, goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy. "Back home in Ireland there’s a pub where they’ll buy you a drink the moment you set foot in the place. Then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman are amazed although slightly suspicious of his claims. But the Irishman swore every word was true.

"Where exactly is this pub, Paddy?" they asked.

"Och I dunno, never been there meself. But me sister goes there and it’s happened to her quite a few times."