October 19, 2012
It's Friday! (and we're feeling perky...)
Yip, it’s Friday and it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!! I support it!
In saying that, it's been a beautiful week full of perks, laced with support (that right there is what I have newly invented: a pre-pun! It’s a pun, but because you have no idea why, I have to explain it... and then you’ll probably have to reread it… and then... ag, don't worry about it - it's a work in progress!)
However, it was a great week: judogirl forced me to think about women’s breasts much more than any other week! I also had to look at various wonderful pictures depicting some of the most gloriously beautiful lingerie and lingerie models that possibly anyone could imagine. And all of that in the name of science…
You see, judogirl and I both have a very keen interest in bras and we’re both passionate about educating women about the right choice and the right fit… bit of a boob-man, me… so while judogirl elects to speak to 600 girls packed into a hall about the subject, I favour a personal touch – the one-2-one approach… (if you spotted the pun there, well done. If not, you have an overactive mind… shame on you!).
Judogirl delivers these talks and workshops in an effort to educate ladies about the importance and manner of selecting the correct fit and size. Our various views compliment each other and I gladly assist where I can, offering advice and first-hand experience… She would say things like “I love the support in that” and “the straps are perfectly aligned with the shoulders” or “perfect cup for her morphology, wouldn’t you agree?” while I comment “yip, the intricate 57 panel design in that cup fits her curve perfectly” and “the lace in that should create a soft yet firm feel”. That’s what I say out loud. Internally the language is reduced to “wagawaga whoolahoola woopedy doodadaye…!!” and stuff like that.
It’s a grand passion we share and we try to keep abreast of any new developments in an effort to support, assist and educate. It’s a tough job, but I do it because I care. It’s a project that’s very close to my heart!
In keeping with this theme, this week’s contributions are predominantly from babydoll... and the Royal Hindness Princess Kate who single-handedly managed to substantially and immediately increase the value of the Great British Pound in an otherwise depreciating global economic environment. It’s pure GENIUS!
The Pound perks…
Apart from the above I tried to focus on other things, but it wasn’t easy.
Thank you also to the other lady contributors including the Angel Lady, and Insta’Gran! This week it’s about blondes, bras (of course), dead ducks, Little Larry, and best friends. I've also decided to branch into other markets and have contracted with an old Chinese bloke in an effort to draw an Oriental audience – one can but learn from other civilisations! And of course there's my Pick of the Week.
Hope you enjoy!
I walked into the post office and saw a blonde yelling into an envelope.
“What are you doing?” I asked bewildered.
“Sending a voicemail,” she said.
A visit to the Vet
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman…
"R1,000?!" she cried, "R1,000 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"
The vet replied, "No dear madam, don’t be silly, that only costs R100. The additional R900 is for the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.”
9 Months later…
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained. “I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don't worry,” John said. “We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
Nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. He almost fainted as he read the letter. It took a few minutes to sink in, but he finally determined that the letter was from the attorney of that attractive widow they had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?”
“Yes, I do! Wow, that was a grand weekend. What was that... about 9 months ago? How time flies,” said Keith.
“Yeah, well. Did you… er… happen to… uhm… get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house to... uhm… pay her a… visit?”
“Er,… well… um… yes I did,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her yours?”
Keith's face turned beet red and he stammered, “Well , you see… um, it’s like this…. Yeah look, I'm sorry about that buddy, but you know if it came out and… you know the wife and… uhm, why do you ask?”
“Well, seems she just died and left me everything.”
Man walking naked through automatic airport door going to Bangkok.
Marriage like game of poker: start with pair – end with full house.
He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
An older guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a cute girl across the floor. So he asked the trainer standing next to him: "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."
Little Larry and his Grandpa goes to the mall. Little Larry manages to get lost while Grandpa is checking out the birds…
Little Larry walks up to a security guard and says: “I’ve lost my grandpa.”
“What’s his name?” asks the guard.
“Grandpa” answers Little Larry.
The guard smiles.
“What’s he like?” he asks.
“Johnny Walker Blue Label and women with big breasts.”
The Jewish Bra
A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife. Size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
"She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she meant," he repeated.
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?"
"It’s all really quite simple,” she responded. “The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Oh, the Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills," she replied.
Pick of the Week:
When George Burns turned 97 years old he was interviewed by Tyra Banks.
Tyra asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable."
George Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Tyra said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Tyra said, "I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished, Tyra said, "That was amazing – you are a remarkable man!"
George said, "The second time is even better than the first."
Tyra asked, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Tyra was beside herself with joy, "Oh, Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. And at your age! Oh my, oh my, oh my!!"
George told her that the third time would be even better.
"You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."
Tyra asked, "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"
George replied, "No, but the last time I had sex with a supermodel she stole my wallet.”