The beggar and the benefactor
October 12, 2012
It's Friday! (11 years on...)
It’s Friday yet again – can you believe they come around every week? As you’re reading this, I’m possibly sunning my buns or sipping cocktails under a summery Cape sky…
Two things, if you believe the above you have absolutely no idea where the Cape is – it’s in the middle of winter, that’s where it. Every other South African is already complaining about the heat and we’re wearing jumpers and wellingtons…
OK, that’s only one thing, but counting was never my strong suit – remember, I used to be a Trainer.
However, it’s a weekend of celebrations and I am taking the family to the farm… read into that what you like.
Celebration one: 11 short years ago judogirl and I tied the knot. A bit hasty, some murmured, as we’d only been attached to each other for five years at that stage. It feels like just the other day though… (probably because I only managed to put the wedding photos into an album two weeks ago…)
Celebration two: judogirl’s first EVER contribution to “spit happens”!!
Other than that, nothing much has changed: we’re still not sleeping because the wee man doesn’t like it when we do – he’s afraid he’ll miss out (I still have to figure out on what…)
The other night, particularly tired of the wee man’s nonsense, judogirl and I lay there side by side, eyes wide, waiting for sweet-sweet-sleep, which never comes as this is but the quiet before the storm… like every other night…:
"Daaaaad!" (that’s the wee man shouting).
"What?" (that’s me shouting back).
"I’m thirsty. Will you bring me some water? In a cup. A blue cup. The blue cup I like." (between you and me, doesn’t matter which blue cup I’ll take, it’ll be the wrong blue cup)
"No, you had your chance. Now go to sleep."
Judogril and I lie there – wide eyed… we know it’s not even close to being over. It’s but a matter of time... so after a matter of time...
"I’m thirsty! Will you bring me some water? In a blue cup."
"I said NO, and if you ask me again I’m coming over there to smack your bottom!"
judogirl smiled at me softly – I could tell what she was thinking: “you really told him!” I felt all warm and fuzzy: the silence was an indication of a very rare victory. And victory was sweet…
“WHAT?!!” (I was gonna add $%^*#!!, but didn’t)
“When you come to smack my bottom, will you bring me some water? In a blue cup.”
My mother says things will get better.
My mother said things would get better two years ago.
My mother has absolutely no idea what she’s talking about…
And the way the world is going, I can’t see how things are going to get better. Think about it:
People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation… (you know them)
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers… (pre-TV)
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X… (yip – mirror, mirror...)
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y…
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
I think you can see where I’m going with this: wee man and the peanut were born after that… what generation will they become?
Can’t be, ‘cause “ZzzzZ” would resemble sleep – AND WE ALL KNOW HE HATES THAT!!!
Anyhoo, enough about my troubles, I’m off to the farm. Thanks to the contributors: Medicine man, Phil Philharmonic (yip, another new contributor), Insta’Gran, friend Moonstone, babydoll, and of course…. (drumroll) ….JUDOGIRL (you almost forgot, didn’t you?).
It’s all about sirens, working late, some IT support shorts, charity, Little Larry, reincarnation and my Pick of the Week.
One for the road...
An ambulance comes hurtling by, sirens blaring. A drunk bloke is running after it at full speed, stumbles and crashes heavily to the road.
He gets up groggily, bleeding lightly. Dusting himself off he shakes a fist at the speeding ambulance and shouts: “STUFF YOUR @*##$% ICE CREAM UP YOUR $&#*@, MAN!!!”
Mom phoned this week because they couldn’t access their email: “Stupid computer thingy keeps saying it is an incorrect password or something…”
After a few short questions I realised they were trying to access their hotmail account via the gmail website… honest mistake for the Silent Generation.
You may have had similar conversations…:
Son: What kind of computer did you get Mom?
Mom: A white one.
Mom: I don’t know where to find the letter typing programme. Can you help?
Son: OK Mom, click on 'START' for me and….
Mom: Listen Mr Smartypants, don't get all technical on me. I'm not Bill Gates!!!
Mom: The thing won’t print. Every time I try, it says “CAN'T FIND PRINTER”. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!
Mom: I have problems printing in red.
Son: Wow, did you guys get a colour printer?
Mom: Aaaah . . . . . . . . .thanks.
Son: What's on your monitor now, mom?
Mom: That teddy bear your dad bought me for Valentine’s day.
Mom: I can't get on the internet.
Son: Are you sure you used the correct password?
Mom: Yes, I'm sure. I saw your sister type it in last week.
Son: That’s odd. Can you tell me what the password was?
Mom: Yip, five dots.
Son: What anti-virus program do you use?
Son: That's not an anti-virus program.
Mom: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
Mom: I have a huge problem! My friend placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Son: Hi Mom, how can I help you?
Mom: I'm writing my first email.
Son: Well done! What seems to be the problem?
Mom: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
Mom: We bought a new printer for your dad’s photos but we can’t get it to work…
Son: Are you running it under Windows?
Mom: No, our desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point – our neighbour’s printer is next to his window and it works fine! Who knew?!
Son: Okay Dad, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Son: Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Dad: I don't have a 'P'.
Son: On your keyboard, Dad.
Dad: What do you mean?
Son: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Dad.
Dad: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
The beggar and the benefactor
Every day a man walks past a beggar and hands him R10. He does this for an entire year – so much so that the beggar even budgets around it.
One day though the contributions are reduced to R7.50….
"Well," the beggar concludes, “it’s still better than nothing. And it’s regular.”
Another year passes.
Then suddenly the daily contributions are reduced to R5…
The beggar accepts this for about two days before he pipes up.
“Tell me now, whatever happened here? First you give me R10 every day, then you reduce it to R7.50 and now you’ve cut me to R5 a day…. Inflation hits me too you know. So what’s the story?”
"Well," answers his benefactor, "Last year my eldest son went to university. That costs a lot of money so I had to cut my expenses. Then at the start of this year my daughter also went to university and I had to budget accordingly, cutting more expenses."
"And how many kids do you have?" the beggar wants to know.
"Four beautiful children," the man answers proudly.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you’re not planning on educating them all at my expense!"
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Little Larry, the liquor-store owner's son, brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," replied Little Larry.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”
"No," said Little Larry.
“What is in the box?” she smiled.
"It's a puppy!"
Pick of the Week:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you're the father of one of my kids.”
He almost faints as his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I'm your son's teacher.”
Judogirl… gotta love her! (no seriously, legally I have to love her – said I would in front of all those witnesses…)
Judogirl and I have never discussed reincarnation (probably because she thought it was a city in Peru), but somehow she knew...